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for Flower Child

12/20/2012 c1 10Iridescent Swan
"It's just that, despite her efforts, and the sustained efforts of the cows, Claire's house seemed like it perpetually overflowing with floral volume, and she hadn't seen her dog in three days." - my favorite line xD

Your writing style sounds so cute and innocent! It's sweet and unusual since this time, Gray's the one making the effort; not Claire.
12/16/2012 c1 35Cotton Candy Mareep
I have to agree with Accidentally The Whole Fanfic, in that this may have flown over the heads of some readers. At first glance, this fic may seem silly, but I get the feeling that you know that and did it purposely. It was exaggerated in some aspects, mainly in word choice and plot, and that's what makes it amusing.

I actually liked the ending. The part about her dog wasn't unneccessary by any means- obviously, she hasn't seen her dog in days, because her house is overflowing with so many damn flowers, haha. So while the story wasn't perfect, I didn't find it bad at all, and got a good laugh out of it.

-Cotton Candy Mareep
12/15/2012 c1 75Accidentally The Whole Fanfic
You are a kindred spirit, but let's not pretend Gray isn't Blue who quit his job at the ranch to pursue his true dream (because Saibara wouldn't shut the hell up, and what gives him the right to set up a surveillance shop right near where Blue-Gray lives, anyway?).

I liked that Claire finally learned how it felt to have the shoe walk a mile on her other foot for once. And that this just flew over the heads of some of the other reviewers.
12/14/2012 c1 23TheFreelancerSeal
It turned out sooner than I thought. :P

For a first effort, it's not bad. It's a nice little scene between Claire and Gray. The gift was sweet, and in places, I like your word choice. Case in point, your descriptions of the flower. Your descriptions early on were also done well. The length was acceptable, though I'm partial to longer pieces myself. That's just taste, but still don't be afraid to have some more elaboration.

But, there are some rough patches in this too. I'll highlight some of them:

"You either succeed in farming, or succeed in love."

Typically, when you want to convey that a character is thinking, you would put this in italics. Otherwise, people think that it's spoken out loud.

For some reason, I find describing the house as fully upgraded a little odd. It could be a place where you could have added a little more elaboration, like I said. As someone who's played Harvest Moon, I can understand it, but in a story, maybe you could have found another way to describe it. It just doesn't feel like it meshes in that well.

I also agree with the other reviewer on this:

"Her cows simply didn't need to eat so much, so the established flux rate of gift-flowers through to cow biomass got all misconjuggled."

It does give the impression that you're trying too hard to be descriptive. I also notice that you switch tenses. For instance, up until this point, you've been using past tense, but you switch to present tense here:

"After all, she loooooooves flowers"

And adding all those 'o's to 'love' is something I think most people would avoid as well.

Lastly, don't be afraid to change words around. For instance, when you have Gray give the flower, you use flower three times in the same paragraph. Don't be afraid to use different words, just to add a little variety to the piece.

But all of that aside, I hope you'll keep working at it. I've learned personally that the only way to improve at writing is to keep writting. Like I said, it's not at all bad for someone's first story. With a little polishing, it could be great.
12/14/2012 c1 TobiTheGoodGirl
Ah... I have a few things to say.
For your first fan fiction, it wasn't too bad. It was cute.
But, there are times where it feels like you're trying too hard with the descriptions. Take this sentence, for example:
"Her cows simply didn't need to eat so much, so the established flux rate of gift-flowers through to cow biomass got all misconjuggled."
I thought that was a bit unnecessary, and I had to stop and read it through a couple of times. Writing should be smooth. Sentences that interrupt this flow usually just get in the way. I personally avoid them unless it's a huge event in the story that needs a sentence to stick out.

I like the idea of Gray giving her a flower everyday, but I personally think a rucksack full of flowers is a bit much. :P Especially if he does it more than once.
I thought the ending was a little weak. The part about the dog is unneeded. Also, I would remove the "The End".
But, overall, it wasn't that bad for your first fan fiction. I hope you continue to write and continue to improve! :)

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