
1/18/2013 c3 Kiku-Goldenflower
Interesting, and well done. It would have been nice if it where drawn out a little longer.
Interesting, and well done. It would have been nice if it where drawn out a little longer.
1/18/2013 c3
5AppleCrumblePerson
Amazing, really sad but it was still great! Well done I really enjoyed reading..AppleCrumblePerson OUT!

Amazing, really sad but it was still great! Well done I really enjoyed reading..AppleCrumblePerson OUT!
1/18/2013 c3
50StrawberryDuckFeathers
I loved the opening sentence to this chapter. The way he says it makes it sound like he's really spitting his words in anger. :) I also like the 'finally' part, as if he's waiting for this to happen for ages and his time has finally come. I love how, once again, Matsuda isn't taken seriously. :P You write the dialogue so in-character and so realistically. :D
(What would Mello do if he saw his Matt speaking in such a way?") I loved this line, especially how he says 'his Matt' to show that Mello loved him dearly and probably wouldn't have wanted him to say such a thing. That last line was an amazing cliffhanger to end on. :D
I will PM you the critique and suggestions. Keep up the good work! :D

I loved the opening sentence to this chapter. The way he says it makes it sound like he's really spitting his words in anger. :) I also like the 'finally' part, as if he's waiting for this to happen for ages and his time has finally come. I love how, once again, Matsuda isn't taken seriously. :P You write the dialogue so in-character and so realistically. :D
(What would Mello do if he saw his Matt speaking in such a way?") I loved this line, especially how he says 'his Matt' to show that Mello loved him dearly and probably wouldn't have wanted him to say such a thing. That last line was an amazing cliffhanger to end on. :D
I will PM you the critique and suggestions. Keep up the good work! :D
1/7/2013 c2 StrawberryDuckFeathers
I like how short you made Halle's dialogue at the start; it showed her deep fear very well and it seemed realistic, since most would be rendered almost speechless if that happened to them. I also like how short and direct Matt's lines are; all those imperatives give him a terrifying sense of authority. :O
You've captured Near's personality very well, too, like when he spots Matt holding Halle at gun point on the security camera; you can clearly tell he's concerned, but Near isn't one to show his emotions much, and you got that part of his personality spot on. :) I also like how you cut out the dialogue tags occasionally to speed up the conversations- it makes it seem more chaotic, and maybe like Near and Rester are rushing their conversation because they need to act quickly to stop Kira. Ir maybe Near is eager to see what Matt has to say when he requests to see him? :) Near's also got that ' guess everything almost exactly how it is' side that he has in the anime, especially when he's talking about the relationship and the physical fights.
Another thing I like is the dialogue, especially Near's. It's amazingly in-character, even to the point where I can clearly visualise it like it's the anime. :D I like how you describe Matt as 'flinching' at Mello's name; it clearly shows just how struck by sadness and shock he is from Mello's death. Same goes with the short 'Mello's dead' line. :(
I find it quite funny how easily Near shakes off Matt's insult at the end. :P
CRITIQUE AND SUGGESTIONS:
. (Quietly I walked up behind her with my gun in my hand and put it up against her back.) To make this sound slower and more gradual, therefore increasing tension, you could break this down some more.
[ Quietly, I walked up behind her, gun in hand. I put it up against her back.]
. ("Don't move or say a word without my saying so." I whispered in her ear.) When a dialogue tag follows after speech, and that speech ends with a full stop, then change the full stop to a comma.
[ "Don't move. Don't say a word without me saying so." ]
. (No ones in any danger) 'ones' should be ' one's '- you need the contraction apostrophe, since it's a shortened form of 'one is' .
. (comand) spelt 'command'.
. ("Hello Matt, long time no see. I suspect things are going well on your end after successfully kidnapping Takada" Near said) after 'Takada', you need a comma, but keep it inside the speech marks.
[ ...successfully kidnapping Takada," Near said ]
. (making a clean get away ) 'get away' is all one word, rather than two separate ones.
[ making a clean getaway]
. (How's that for knowing nothing." ) This one needs a question mark instead of a full stop, since he is asking a question.
. (You infact correct Matt) Did you mean ' You are, in fact, correct, Matt' here? I'm assuming you meant to say that. :)
. (This is why I can not allow to get involed) There's a typo in 'involved' here. Also, does he mean he can't allow himself to be involved, or Matt?
Cannot allow Matt: [ This is why I can not allow you to get involved]
Cannot allow himself: [ This is why I can not allow myself to get involved]
. (I have promised that all of the SPK attend and how many members was mentioned. you were not apart of that number so I'd be going back on my word.") Could you please reword this sentence? It's a little confusing to me. Maybe you could try this, if my assumption is correct:
[ I have promised to have all of the SPK attend, but you are not a part of them, so I would be going back on my word, if I were to bring you along. ]
. (hes bringing are the taskforce) 'taskforce' should be separated into two words here, and you need the contraction apostrophe on ' hes ' because it's the contracted form of 'he is'.
[ he's bringing are the task force]
. ("Thanks I guess.") To add some awkwardness here, try using an ellipsis:
[ Thanks...I guess." ]
It's awesome how in-character everyone is and the storyline is pretty intriguing! I'm enjoying this so far! Keep up the good work! :D
I like how short you made Halle's dialogue at the start; it showed her deep fear very well and it seemed realistic, since most would be rendered almost speechless if that happened to them. I also like how short and direct Matt's lines are; all those imperatives give him a terrifying sense of authority. :O
You've captured Near's personality very well, too, like when he spots Matt holding Halle at gun point on the security camera; you can clearly tell he's concerned, but Near isn't one to show his emotions much, and you got that part of his personality spot on. :) I also like how you cut out the dialogue tags occasionally to speed up the conversations- it makes it seem more chaotic, and maybe like Near and Rester are rushing their conversation because they need to act quickly to stop Kira. Ir maybe Near is eager to see what Matt has to say when he requests to see him? :) Near's also got that ' guess everything almost exactly how it is' side that he has in the anime, especially when he's talking about the relationship and the physical fights.
Another thing I like is the dialogue, especially Near's. It's amazingly in-character, even to the point where I can clearly visualise it like it's the anime. :D I like how you describe Matt as 'flinching' at Mello's name; it clearly shows just how struck by sadness and shock he is from Mello's death. Same goes with the short 'Mello's dead' line. :(
I find it quite funny how easily Near shakes off Matt's insult at the end. :P
CRITIQUE AND SUGGESTIONS:
. (Quietly I walked up behind her with my gun in my hand and put it up against her back.) To make this sound slower and more gradual, therefore increasing tension, you could break this down some more.
[ Quietly, I walked up behind her, gun in hand. I put it up against her back.]
. ("Don't move or say a word without my saying so." I whispered in her ear.) When a dialogue tag follows after speech, and that speech ends with a full stop, then change the full stop to a comma.
[ "Don't move. Don't say a word without me saying so." ]
. (No ones in any danger) 'ones' should be ' one's '- you need the contraction apostrophe, since it's a shortened form of 'one is' .
. (comand) spelt 'command'.
. ("Hello Matt, long time no see. I suspect things are going well on your end after successfully kidnapping Takada" Near said) after 'Takada', you need a comma, but keep it inside the speech marks.
[ ...successfully kidnapping Takada," Near said ]
. (making a clean get away ) 'get away' is all one word, rather than two separate ones.
[ making a clean getaway]
. (How's that for knowing nothing." ) This one needs a question mark instead of a full stop, since he is asking a question.
. (You infact correct Matt) Did you mean ' You are, in fact, correct, Matt' here? I'm assuming you meant to say that. :)
. (This is why I can not allow to get involed) There's a typo in 'involved' here. Also, does he mean he can't allow himself to be involved, or Matt?
Cannot allow Matt: [ This is why I can not allow you to get involved]
Cannot allow himself: [ This is why I can not allow myself to get involved]
. (I have promised that all of the SPK attend and how many members was mentioned. you were not apart of that number so I'd be going back on my word.") Could you please reword this sentence? It's a little confusing to me. Maybe you could try this, if my assumption is correct:
[ I have promised to have all of the SPK attend, but you are not a part of them, so I would be going back on my word, if I were to bring you along. ]
. (hes bringing are the taskforce) 'taskforce' should be separated into two words here, and you need the contraction apostrophe on ' hes ' because it's the contracted form of 'he is'.
[ he's bringing are the task force]
. ("Thanks I guess.") To add some awkwardness here, try using an ellipsis:
[ Thanks...I guess." ]
It's awesome how in-character everyone is and the storyline is pretty intriguing! I'm enjoying this so far! Keep up the good work! :D
12/22/2012 c1 StrawberryDuckFeathers
' I can't lose Mello, not now, not again and not like this. ' I really like how well you've shown Matt's desperation her. I also like how you've stuck to one P.O.V for this chapter- I don't like it much when there's three or four different P. in one chapter. I found that last sentence to be very effective; thr short sentences make it seem as if it's only a short time until Matt finds the one he need to help him catch Kira. I suppose there's a bit of excitement there, since the short sentences could be breaths of excitement, in a sense. What's interesting, is that some of the sentences have a variety of ways in which one could interpret them. :) You've done well to create a tense and dramatic atmosphere, and you've done 'show, not tell' very well; you haven't had to mention Matt's feelings too much for us to get an idea of them, and it's very talented of you. Well done. :)
CRITIQUE AND SUGGESTIONS:
. ((sp?).) I'm not sure what you meant here.
.{ in the summary } (like a Lover Scorned) 'Lover Scorned' doesn't need to be capitalised. Also, that sentence needs a full stop at the end- or an ellipsis might work too.
. (i don't think they) 'i' needs capitalising.
. (It was her the one who) would be clearer as (It was her...the) The ellipsis makes it seem like he is in disbelief.
. (pov) ' P.O.V. '
. (The building was on fire, the flame consuming the whole thing) could be changed to:
[ Flames consumed the building.] It's shorter, giving more of a tense feel.
. ("Can't you see the buildings on fire." He said.)
When a dialogue tag follows a line of speech, unless you use ! or ? at the end of the speech, you put a comma. Unless the dialogue tag starts with something that would need a capital letter anyway (like a proper noun) then you don't capitalise it.
- 'buildings' would be ' building's '- to show it's the contracted form of ' building is'.
- Should be a question mark at the end.
[ "Can't you see that the building's on fire?" he said.)
. To improve the flow of the story, get rid of some of the dialogue tags. The speech flows better without them in these parts:
"No! Let me go!"
"Can't you see the building's on fire?"
"I don't bloody care! I have to get to him!" I broke free of his grip.
There's a better flow of speech here now the dialogue tags are gone, and it's more dramatic and there's more action.
. (There was Mello just not how I hoped he'd be. He was collapsed over the steering wheel, his eyes open gazing unseeingly at me.) This sentence is a bit jarring and could be improved:
[ I saw Mello, only he was not in the condition I'd hoped to find him in. He was collapsed over the steering wheel. His eyes were wide open, gazing lifelessly into me. ]
. (As soon as I far enough away ) should be 'As soon as I was far enough away' .
Overall, this is a great piece! Keep up the good work! :D
' I can't lose Mello, not now, not again and not like this. ' I really like how well you've shown Matt's desperation her. I also like how you've stuck to one P.O.V for this chapter- I don't like it much when there's three or four different P. in one chapter. I found that last sentence to be very effective; thr short sentences make it seem as if it's only a short time until Matt finds the one he need to help him catch Kira. I suppose there's a bit of excitement there, since the short sentences could be breaths of excitement, in a sense. What's interesting, is that some of the sentences have a variety of ways in which one could interpret them. :) You've done well to create a tense and dramatic atmosphere, and you've done 'show, not tell' very well; you haven't had to mention Matt's feelings too much for us to get an idea of them, and it's very talented of you. Well done. :)
CRITIQUE AND SUGGESTIONS:
. ((sp?).) I'm not sure what you meant here.
.{ in the summary } (like a Lover Scorned) 'Lover Scorned' doesn't need to be capitalised. Also, that sentence needs a full stop at the end- or an ellipsis might work too.
. (i don't think they) 'i' needs capitalising.
. (It was her the one who) would be clearer as (It was her...the) The ellipsis makes it seem like he is in disbelief.
. (pov) ' P.O.V. '
. (The building was on fire, the flame consuming the whole thing) could be changed to:
[ Flames consumed the building.] It's shorter, giving more of a tense feel.
. ("Can't you see the buildings on fire." He said.)
When a dialogue tag follows a line of speech, unless you use ! or ? at the end of the speech, you put a comma. Unless the dialogue tag starts with something that would need a capital letter anyway (like a proper noun) then you don't capitalise it.
- 'buildings' would be ' building's '- to show it's the contracted form of ' building is'.
- Should be a question mark at the end.
[ "Can't you see that the building's on fire?" he said.)
. To improve the flow of the story, get rid of some of the dialogue tags. The speech flows better without them in these parts:
"No! Let me go!"
"Can't you see the building's on fire?"
"I don't bloody care! I have to get to him!" I broke free of his grip.
There's a better flow of speech here now the dialogue tags are gone, and it's more dramatic and there's more action.
. (There was Mello just not how I hoped he'd be. He was collapsed over the steering wheel, his eyes open gazing unseeingly at me.) This sentence is a bit jarring and could be improved:
[ I saw Mello, only he was not in the condition I'd hoped to find him in. He was collapsed over the steering wheel. His eyes were wide open, gazing lifelessly into me. ]
. (As soon as I far enough away ) should be 'As soon as I was far enough away' .
Overall, this is a great piece! Keep up the good work! :D