for Kindergarten Kisses!10/14/2013 c8 Guest
Awesome!
Awesome!
3/28/2013 c8 Anonymous Reader
Haha, this is cute. :3 Anyways, about some advice. When a new person starts speaking, you start a new paragraph. (Ugh, that didn't sound right...ummm...here's an example...)
Instead of:
".. Look at the fish! There very big, aren't they?" I asked. "Yeah... Hey.." Kairi said. "Huh? What is it?" I asked. " Don't you feel a little bad for these fish?" Kairi asked.
You do:
"Look at the fish! They're very big, aren't they?" I asked.
"Yeah...hey..." Kairi said. [I would prefer "Kairi began"]
"Huh? What is it?" I asked.
"Don't you feel a little bad for these fish?" Kairi asked.
Also, I noticed some spelling errors and you're using the wrong form of they're. You put "there" instead of "they're" which means "they are." Also, you capitalized some words that didn't need to be capitalized. Only capitalize the first word of a new sentence and proper nouns. Here's another thing: you should tell the reader more about their facial expressions. It would make it much more clear what his tone is. You should have more different speech tags. For example:
I picked out a Hello Kitty music box, and a plushie of Hello Kitty wearing a tutu! "Are you sure you don't want to get something? Yukari did say you could." I said. Kairi's face turned a little red of embarrassment. "Well.. I guess that panda bear plushie is KIND OF c-cute.." Kairi said, in defeat. "That's the spirit!" I cheered. "I'm going to buy some candy for you guys also. You can share, right?" Yukari asked. "Yeah." Kairi said. Yay! Candy!
This is how I would change it, but you don't have to do it the way I did:
I picked out a Hello Kitty music box and a plushie of Hello Kitty wearing a tutu! "Are you sure you don't want to get something? Yukari did say you could." I told Kairi.
Kairi's face turned a little red from embarrassment. "Well...I guess that panda bear plushie is KIND OF c-cute..." Kairi muttered in defeat.
"That's the spirit!" I cheered.
"I'm going to buy some candy for you guys also. You can share right?" Yukari asked.
"Yeah." Kairi said. Yay! Candy!
Some things about this paragraph...first, why would Yaya call Sanjou-san Yukari? Wouldn't she address her by her last name? Isn't calling someone by their first name in Japan a sign of intimacy? They're not that close... Same goes for Nikaidou. The children wouldn't refer to him as "Yuu", would they? They would call him "Nikaidou-sensei." I added "-sensei" to the end because that's the honorific the Japanese give to their teachers. About Kairi...I don't think he would stutter, but he is pretty young so I'll let that slide. xD
Also, this:
"Kairi? Aren't the fish's pretty and colorful?" I asked.
Fish has no plural form. It is both plural and singular. You didn't need that apostrophe and s after the word "fish." Instead, it should be:
"Kairi? Aren't the fish pretty and colorful?" I asked.
And this:
"Let's go to the car, I've got food for us when we get to my house."
You should have a period after car.
About this:
But I seem a little nervous.
Wouldn't it be better if you said "But I feel a little nervous." Also, I would probably combine that with the previous sentence, but you don't have to. It would look like this:
I'm so happy, but I seem a little nervous!
This:
My mom looked confused...
You don't need an ellipsis after "confused." A period is fine.
Another error:
"Huh.. Were did my mommy go?" I asked.
You should have a question mark after "Huh." If you wanted the tone to sound different and not like a question, I suggest adding another period. I just feel irked by those two periods there. It feels so incomplete to me! Also, for the second sentence...it should be "where", not "were."
Also, I hate these types off errors:
"IT'S.. TO SCARY!" I cried.
It should be:
"IT'S...TOO SCARY!" I cried.
The form of "to" that you're using has another o added to it.
I only just corrected random errors I came across in this chapter ONLY. I'm sure if you proofread your chapters, you can fix the errors, but I'm sure you don't want to do that. I didn't correct ALL of the errors I saw because I'm too lazy...but you know that there are many errors that can easily be fixed, right? Also, I think Rima might be a little OOC (out of character). I don't think she would easily open up to Nagi like that unless he did something amazing like save her from being kidnapped (very cliche though). Since they're much younger, I guess that it's okay. Also, I'm curious about the movie that Nagi and Rima watched. Please don't tell me that I was right about what they were watching... *shudder* Yeah Nagi, kid-friendly... After Rima tells Nagi about everything, what does he mean by "Is that why you were scared when the movie came on?" I'm confused. I thought she was scared because- /shot Eheheh...
I can't wait to read more about this! By the way, any errors I make in this review, ignore them. It's so long and I'm too lazy to reread the whole thing to correct it! I'm glad I came across your story while I was giving Yairi a try! I'm more of a Rimahiko fan, but I thought about trying out Yairi. This story is very interesting so far and the Zensuke thing was interesting as well! Well, I don't want to make this longer than it already is, so I'll be short and sweet. BYE and UPDATE SOON! X3
[Insert awesome signature here] ...Jk! :P
-Anonymous Reader
Haha, this is cute. :3 Anyways, about some advice. When a new person starts speaking, you start a new paragraph. (Ugh, that didn't sound right...ummm...here's an example...)
Instead of:
".. Look at the fish! There very big, aren't they?" I asked. "Yeah... Hey.." Kairi said. "Huh? What is it?" I asked. " Don't you feel a little bad for these fish?" Kairi asked.
You do:
"Look at the fish! They're very big, aren't they?" I asked.
"Yeah...hey..." Kairi said. [I would prefer "Kairi began"]
"Huh? What is it?" I asked.
"Don't you feel a little bad for these fish?" Kairi asked.
Also, I noticed some spelling errors and you're using the wrong form of they're. You put "there" instead of "they're" which means "they are." Also, you capitalized some words that didn't need to be capitalized. Only capitalize the first word of a new sentence and proper nouns. Here's another thing: you should tell the reader more about their facial expressions. It would make it much more clear what his tone is. You should have more different speech tags. For example:
I picked out a Hello Kitty music box, and a plushie of Hello Kitty wearing a tutu! "Are you sure you don't want to get something? Yukari did say you could." I said. Kairi's face turned a little red of embarrassment. "Well.. I guess that panda bear plushie is KIND OF c-cute.." Kairi said, in defeat. "That's the spirit!" I cheered. "I'm going to buy some candy for you guys also. You can share, right?" Yukari asked. "Yeah." Kairi said. Yay! Candy!
This is how I would change it, but you don't have to do it the way I did:
I picked out a Hello Kitty music box and a plushie of Hello Kitty wearing a tutu! "Are you sure you don't want to get something? Yukari did say you could." I told Kairi.
Kairi's face turned a little red from embarrassment. "Well...I guess that panda bear plushie is KIND OF c-cute..." Kairi muttered in defeat.
"That's the spirit!" I cheered.
"I'm going to buy some candy for you guys also. You can share right?" Yukari asked.
"Yeah." Kairi said. Yay! Candy!
Some things about this paragraph...first, why would Yaya call Sanjou-san Yukari? Wouldn't she address her by her last name? Isn't calling someone by their first name in Japan a sign of intimacy? They're not that close... Same goes for Nikaidou. The children wouldn't refer to him as "Yuu", would they? They would call him "Nikaidou-sensei." I added "-sensei" to the end because that's the honorific the Japanese give to their teachers. About Kairi...I don't think he would stutter, but he is pretty young so I'll let that slide. xD
Also, this:
"Kairi? Aren't the fish's pretty and colorful?" I asked.
Fish has no plural form. It is both plural and singular. You didn't need that apostrophe and s after the word "fish." Instead, it should be:
"Kairi? Aren't the fish pretty and colorful?" I asked.
And this:
"Let's go to the car, I've got food for us when we get to my house."
You should have a period after car.
About this:
But I seem a little nervous.
Wouldn't it be better if you said "But I feel a little nervous." Also, I would probably combine that with the previous sentence, but you don't have to. It would look like this:
I'm so happy, but I seem a little nervous!
This:
My mom looked confused...
You don't need an ellipsis after "confused." A period is fine.
Another error:
"Huh.. Were did my mommy go?" I asked.
You should have a question mark after "Huh." If you wanted the tone to sound different and not like a question, I suggest adding another period. I just feel irked by those two periods there. It feels so incomplete to me! Also, for the second sentence...it should be "where", not "were."
Also, I hate these types off errors:
"IT'S.. TO SCARY!" I cried.
It should be:
"IT'S...TOO SCARY!" I cried.
The form of "to" that you're using has another o added to it.
I only just corrected random errors I came across in this chapter ONLY. I'm sure if you proofread your chapters, you can fix the errors, but I'm sure you don't want to do that. I didn't correct ALL of the errors I saw because I'm too lazy...but you know that there are many errors that can easily be fixed, right? Also, I think Rima might be a little OOC (out of character). I don't think she would easily open up to Nagi like that unless he did something amazing like save her from being kidnapped (very cliche though). Since they're much younger, I guess that it's okay. Also, I'm curious about the movie that Nagi and Rima watched. Please don't tell me that I was right about what they were watching... *shudder* Yeah Nagi, kid-friendly... After Rima tells Nagi about everything, what does he mean by "Is that why you were scared when the movie came on?" I'm confused. I thought she was scared because- /shot Eheheh...
I can't wait to read more about this! By the way, any errors I make in this review, ignore them. It's so long and I'm too lazy to reread the whole thing to correct it! I'm glad I came across your story while I was giving Yairi a try! I'm more of a Rimahiko fan, but I thought about trying out Yairi. This story is very interesting so far and the Zensuke thing was interesting as well! Well, I don't want to make this longer than it already is, so I'll be short and sweet. BYE and UPDATE SOON! X3
[Insert awesome signature here] ...Jk! :P
-Anonymous Reader
3/20/2013 c8 
1YumeMiru15sai
Hello i love this story it's rare to see a yaya and kairi fanfic so... When r u gonna updat?
1YumeMiru15saiHello i love this story it's rare to see a yaya and kairi fanfic so... When r u gonna updat?
2/9/2013 c7 Lala Dada sing
Poor OC. aww wells. Update soon!
Poor OC. aww wells. Update soon!
1/24/2013 c6 MOEMURA UPDATE
UPDATE MOEMURA!
UPDATE MOEMURA!
1/24/2013 c6 Guest
I read the story and I was being so critical about it all the time... but: "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it."
But, I'll just say this... If these kids really are kindergarteners, make them act like one... (Yaya of course is acting like Yaya, but that's beside the point) I mean, why would Rima read dirty jokes to her friends at such a young age? If kindergartners of this day and age are already laughing at dirty jokes and maybe even saying curse words, I'd be really, really disappointed and be saying that there's no hope for the next generation.
And why are you making Ikuto seem like a pedophile? To kindergartners? I'm not an Ikuto fan, but I just dislike it when people make anime characters so "out of character"...
...Anyway, like I said, I was critical throughout the whole story, and I'll spare you the rest of it. Don't be so discouraged by my review, but it might be better if you'd make this story a little more kindergarteny.
I read the story and I was being so critical about it all the time... but: "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it."
But, I'll just say this... If these kids really are kindergarteners, make them act like one... (Yaya of course is acting like Yaya, but that's beside the point) I mean, why would Rima read dirty jokes to her friends at such a young age? If kindergartners of this day and age are already laughing at dirty jokes and maybe even saying curse words, I'd be really, really disappointed and be saying that there's no hope for the next generation.
And why are you making Ikuto seem like a pedophile? To kindergartners? I'm not an Ikuto fan, but I just dislike it when people make anime characters so "out of character"...
...Anyway, like I said, I was critical throughout the whole story, and I'll spare you the rest of it. Don't be so discouraged by my review, but it might be better if you'd make this story a little more kindergarteny.