for Nobody's Buisness2/5/2013 c3 Brillerai
First of all...main OC is a noticeable mary sue. But some mary sue fics can actually do well so I will side this for now.
Second, grammar...I understand if it might be a second or third language or you just suck at proofreading -whatever the case, I won't comment on it- but do try to get a beta-reader who CAN correct this?
Third...chapter 3. This story COULD have gone a good path despite the overly talented character but your idea of having the OC go through torture is just...senselessly off. I felt no sympathy for the character, really. She doesn't grow mentally or emotionally and unlike your other one shot which I somewhat liked, I felt like the character was just an empty shell.
well, just my two cents. I will advise that you study how some other authors write. There are many well written stories out there and while a good OC is hard to design, it's not impossible to find a good one.
First of all...main OC is a noticeable mary sue. But some mary sue fics can actually do well so I will side this for now.
Second, grammar...I understand if it might be a second or third language or you just suck at proofreading -whatever the case, I won't comment on it- but do try to get a beta-reader who CAN correct this?
Third...chapter 3. This story COULD have gone a good path despite the overly talented character but your idea of having the OC go through torture is just...senselessly off. I felt no sympathy for the character, really. She doesn't grow mentally or emotionally and unlike your other one shot which I somewhat liked, I felt like the character was just an empty shell.
well, just my two cents. I will advise that you study how some other authors write. There are many well written stories out there and while a good OC is hard to design, it's not impossible to find a good one.
1/26/2013 c1 XxKhloexX
Woah, cant wait for more. I like the way everything is up here but Kai is totally a different Guy in this story compared the 'Rare Love' or 'Forever aint Forever' were does these ideas come from!?
Great story and you better update! - XxKhloexX
Woah, cant wait for more. I like the way everything is up here but Kai is totally a different Guy in this story compared the 'Rare Love' or 'Forever aint Forever' were does these ideas come from!?
Great story and you better update! - XxKhloexX
1/21/2013 c3 Mr.Drizzy
Woah. Woah. WOW! o.O Arilyn coming back to life cause of Kimmi!
And you sure have wrote alot! I dont why some people dont enjoy a story with long chapters it means you get to read more! XD
Cool But Laday! Next time if you need help tell me, i never seen you sleepy in a long time, working your butt off for these stories! True!
Driz
P.S - Nice Chapter Name for No.3
Woah. Woah. WOW! o.O Arilyn coming back to life cause of Kimmi!
And you sure have wrote alot! I dont why some people dont enjoy a story with long chapters it means you get to read more! XD
Cool But Laday! Next time if you need help tell me, i never seen you sleepy in a long time, working your butt off for these stories! True!
Driz
P.S - Nice Chapter Name for No.3
1/21/2013 c1 Mr.Drizzy
Wow laday! You need sleep, no wonder you sleep in class sometimes doing these stories at such a late time! But the story is worth it y'know! #BigGrin :D
I wonder were this is going to go...
Cool Story 8)
Driz
Wow laday! You need sleep, no wonder you sleep in class sometimes doing these stories at such a late time! But the story is worth it y'know! #BigGrin :D
I wonder were this is going to go...
Cool Story 8)
Driz
1/19/2013 c3 xXFaith.22Xx
Agaiin... WOAH! O.O Reading the other chapter's and your other story i can tell this had a little bit of the past in it using some old characters and putting in new ones Great!
You and your stories cant stop cant'cha? But there so Daamn Good! x Cant wait for the next stuff i literally got carried away in this Chapter but how did Arilyn came back thank god she did, i was like is she going to live?!
Kimmi and Hers Relationship was soo cute and adorable hearing arilyn go to the paramedics i was thinking about 'What's going to happen to Kimmi?' But then the end was a Complete twist *sigh in relief*
You had me worried then, lol anyways wishing you the very best and i cant wait!
x Faith Perfection x
Agaiin... WOAH! O.O Reading the other chapter's and your other story i can tell this had a little bit of the past in it using some old characters and putting in new ones Great!
You and your stories cant stop cant'cha? But there so Daamn Good! x Cant wait for the next stuff i literally got carried away in this Chapter but how did Arilyn came back thank god she did, i was like is she going to live?!
Kimmi and Hers Relationship was soo cute and adorable hearing arilyn go to the paramedics i was thinking about 'What's going to happen to Kimmi?' But then the end was a Complete twist *sigh in relief*
You had me worried then, lol anyways wishing you the very best and i cant wait!
x Faith Perfection x
1/8/2013 c3 
1akin 'to38
So that was the twist you're talking about huh? Hmmm... Seems fine to me. Er, I just got a few questions. Is Voltaire as bad as Boris and Ari's grandfather (forgot his name, sorry... Heh heh)? And where is the baby Teppei(?) all this time? And also Gel, is she Kai's fiancee? Eh, sorry for asking too many questions, it was a part of my reading habit. Oh, and I laughed out when I saw my name involved, heh heh heh... Guess I was just not used to it...
1akin 'to38So that was the twist you're talking about huh? Hmmm... Seems fine to me. Er, I just got a few questions. Is Voltaire as bad as Boris and Ari's grandfather (forgot his name, sorry... Heh heh)? And where is the baby Teppei(?) all this time? And also Gel, is she Kai's fiancee? Eh, sorry for asking too many questions, it was a part of my reading habit. Oh, and I laughed out when I saw my name involved, heh heh heh... Guess I was just not used to it...
1/7/2013 c3 1xyasminx2
I NEVER EXPECTED THAT lol
What a twist!
Iv got a feeling you might use the guilt card for Kai and Arilyn to get married seen as how she's moved in with them now and has no other family lol
Or will they fall in love before they get married ooo
I just carnt seem to predict what your going to write now after this chapter lol
Xx
1xyasminx2I NEVER EXPECTED THAT lol
What a twist!
Iv got a feeling you might use the guilt card for Kai and Arilyn to get married seen as how she's moved in with them now and has no other family lol
Or will they fall in love before they get married ooo
I just carnt seem to predict what your going to write now after this chapter lol
Xx
1/3/2013 c1 1akin 'to38
""Atleast i still kept my virginity than you" I replied as i got her tempered she shut up" -HAHAHA TAKE THAT BITCH!
ehem *cough* sorry, just got carried...
anyway, i like this story, only...I think some parts of this I read somewhere else ( I won't mention the title or the author but does she knew about this? I mean some are so sensitive about their works and I don't want you to be in any trouble...but if she does know and it's ok with her, then it's good) that's all for now.. ;p
1akin 'to38""Atleast i still kept my virginity than you" I replied as i got her tempered she shut up" -HAHAHA TAKE THAT BITCH!
ehem *cough* sorry, just got carried...
anyway, i like this story, only...I think some parts of this I read somewhere else ( I won't mention the title or the author but does she knew about this? I mean some are so sensitive about their works and I don't want you to be in any trouble...but if she does know and it's ok with her, then it's good) that's all for now.. ;p