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1/15/2021 c2 2acetwolf94
5/31/2014 c2 1sexyTARDIS108
Continue this story. Please... It's so awesome. I love Beetlejuice and i really wanna now what happens next. Make a third chapter.
2/25/2013 c2 Guest
Keep it k its hard to find good stories that keep it in their ratings. love it! By the way you have a good story going
2/25/2013 c2 Guest
Love the story its very interesting I love it u portray them very well please update soon
1/22/2013 c2 Roze
The biggest complaint I have is actually with your writing style and it's a common mistake many writers make. You do more "telling" us of what people are thinking or doing rather than just having them doing it or reacting to things. Most readers want to be shown what's happening, like looking out from the character's eyes.

So instead of telling us that Lydia "decides to push the feeling off..." or that Beetlejuice "started to grow lazy of walking..." just show us the reactions. You could instead use something like "Beetlejuice rose up off his weary feet, levitating towards his bed as a yawn stretches his face." We get that he's tired and lazy, but you didn't have to tell us outright.

There's nothing that disconnects a reader more than being told what a character is always thinking or the way in which they're doing something. It's an insult to the readers because it assumes we're too dumb to come to those conclusions on our own and spoils any ounce of imagination we could bring to the story.

I'm sorry if this review sounds harsh, but as a fellow writer seeking to improve, I would want this kind of concrete and solid feedback too. I do hope to see you improve because you've got a knack for storytelling and I don't want to see it ruined with poor descriptions and lackluster characterization.
1/21/2013 c2 BwichLasagna
I like the second chapter and I understand your want. I've been thinking about that factor, the actor that played Lydia is too old and in interviews it never said she was returning. I usually don't like OC/Beej, but it depends on the quality and how the character acts.

Like if the OC's 14 or 15 or 16 and isn't totally outgoing like a preppy rich girl, but isn't too gullible. (Lydia was so freaking gullible, I mean "are you a ghost" and who trusts a ghost thats on top of a stripper place) I mean what the heck, I would at least consider that not just go "I should go get Barbara."

But its your decision, do whatever :)
1/21/2013 c2 6sm4567
That Guest was me. You can whatever you think its right,at least if its gonna be T rated. But that's your decision. Thank you.
1/21/2013 c2 Guest
Normally,I don't read stories that deal with an OFC/Beej going on,but if you think you want to do it and its that good,then fine. Personally,I would have liked to see you working in the near-future a T,or even better a M,rated tale that details Beetlejuice's return to Lydia Deetz's life after the wedding(Not a lot of people here give credit to give Winona Ryder's characteristics when they embark on writing a new fic,so gongratulations to you.)and have them work out in a realistic way. Even though I rarely look upon K rated tales,yours was an exception. Keep going.
1/5/2013 c1 14ever-A-Nightmare
Nice start, but a couple of things.

"wears an off white yellowish shirt"

Should be...

"wore an off-white shirt, tinted yellow..."

And that highly accurate description of the setting was unnecessary.

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