for Louise's cursed souls2/28/2013 c1 Moonstone Spider
This was pretty funny and you got a few snickers out of me at the humor, I enjoyed it. But you move way too fast and don't put enough words into details and buildup. I think you've got a great handle on idea and if you slow down and put more effort into punctuation, capitalization, and those other boring fundamentals you have the makings of a great writer, which is really good because it's much easier to pick up the fundamentals than learn creativity.
This was pretty funny and you got a few snickers out of me at the humor, I enjoyed it. But you move way too fast and don't put enough words into details and buildup. I think you've got a great handle on idea and if you slow down and put more effort into punctuation, capitalization, and those other boring fundamentals you have the makings of a great writer, which is really good because it's much easier to pick up the fundamentals than learn creativity.
1/13/2013 c2 
17AlxkendBlader
I agree with renegadeofficer89! You need more punctuation in this story!
17AlxkendBladerI agree with renegadeofficer89! You need more punctuation in this story!
1/13/2013 c1 3renegadeofficer89
I'd have to say, use more punctuations! You lacked quotes/double quotes/whatever for dialogues, a lack of description as well! One of the reasons why my stories took a while to come is that I tried to imagine a scene as vividly as possible so that the reader can picture it in their heads, bringing them there in your story. My lack of vocabulary hampered this sometimes, but I always tried my best! You need to read more novels. Some great fics that can absorb you in their world are Shinji and Warhammer 40k, Evangelion Gear, NGE: Nobody Dies, Hope of the Senju Clan among others. These are the fics that I strive (and so far, failed) to be. Read these, and be awed. These are the examples that you should follow. You can improve, I'm sure. Try again.
3renegadeofficer89I'd have to say, use more punctuations! You lacked quotes/double quotes/whatever for dialogues, a lack of description as well! One of the reasons why my stories took a while to come is that I tried to imagine a scene as vividly as possible so that the reader can picture it in their heads, bringing them there in your story. My lack of vocabulary hampered this sometimes, but I always tried my best! You need to read more novels. Some great fics that can absorb you in their world are Shinji and Warhammer 40k, Evangelion Gear, NGE: Nobody Dies, Hope of the Senju Clan among others. These are the fics that I strive (and so far, failed) to be. Read these, and be awed. These are the examples that you should follow. You can improve, I'm sure. Try again.