for The Return of Ahsoka4/22/2013 c14 Cushypins8899
This story is very interesting. You have an amazing plot line and I can't wait for the rest!
This story is very interesting. You have an amazing plot line and I can't wait for the rest!
3/27/2013 c12 Guest
ok, so I can't wait to know if there's going to be Ahsoka/Han or if its staying relatively Cannon.
ok, so I can't wait to know if there's going to be Ahsoka/Han or if its staying relatively Cannon.
3/27/2013 c12 
267gunman
Wow.
Nice. You summed up the last of the 'New Hope' movie in this one chapter.
And since it's mostly from Ahsoka's POV it makes sense why you didn't have alot of extra scenes and dialogue.
And Obi-Wan's message to Ahsoka about Vader killing Anakin was the same as he told Luke.
However, I did see alot of grammer errors and a few places that could be improved on.
For one thing, the conversations seemed to flow exactly the same as they did in the movie, just Ahsoka adding her two-cents into it. Although almost no one seemed to be listening or responding to her.
It's like she's not even there.
This wasn't bad, though... there is room for improvement.
If I can get you some examples of this, I will.
Good work, keep up the good work, and talk to you later.
Write on!
267gunmanWow.
Nice. You summed up the last of the 'New Hope' movie in this one chapter.
And since it's mostly from Ahsoka's POV it makes sense why you didn't have alot of extra scenes and dialogue.
And Obi-Wan's message to Ahsoka about Vader killing Anakin was the same as he told Luke.
However, I did see alot of grammer errors and a few places that could be improved on.
For one thing, the conversations seemed to flow exactly the same as they did in the movie, just Ahsoka adding her two-cents into it. Although almost no one seemed to be listening or responding to her.
It's like she's not even there.
This wasn't bad, though... there is room for improvement.
If I can get you some examples of this, I will.
Good work, keep up the good work, and talk to you later.
Write on!
3/23/2013 c1 184EsmeAmelia
The summary looked really promising, but this first chapter didn't really get me excited about reading more. The jarring POV switching and the overuse of italics threw me out of the story.
184EsmeAmeliaThe summary looked really promising, but this first chapter didn't really get me excited about reading more. The jarring POV switching and the overuse of italics threw me out of the story.
3/13/2013 c1 Annara Ren
I clicked on the story because the summary looked somewhat interesting. Never have I been so wrong.
The story, as it is, is unreadable.
- the story has very short, rushed, disjointed scenes
- you use very annoying scene breaks; Ω§Ѫ¥ѱΦΦѱ¥Ѫ§Ω; I mean, wtf are these? and you used bold as well for them; /facepalm
- the dialog needs tons of work; to say the least.
- run on sentences are bad
- you need to learn English grammar; if you don't want to learn it, hire someone to do beta work for you
- learn when to use commas and when to use dots
- and so on, and so forth...
The internet is filled with resources and guides to help writers improve their art. Used them. Google is your friend for this!
I clicked on the story because the summary looked somewhat interesting. Never have I been so wrong.
The story, as it is, is unreadable.
- the story has very short, rushed, disjointed scenes
- you use very annoying scene breaks; Ω§Ѫ¥ѱΦΦѱ¥Ѫ§Ω; I mean, wtf are these? and you used bold as well for them; /facepalm
- the dialog needs tons of work; to say the least.
- run on sentences are bad
- you need to learn English grammar; if you don't want to learn it, hire someone to do beta work for you
- learn when to use commas and when to use dots
- and so on, and so forth...
The internet is filled with resources and guides to help writers improve their art. Used them. Google is your friend for this!
3/13/2013 c11 267gunman
I'm not sure what I was expecting when I read this. However, I'll just point out a few things.
1 - It was very quick in some places. Like you skipped over a few things just to get this chapter out. My advice: slow down and write everything out as best you can.
2 - Your grammer needs correcting in some places. Like when Luke says 'She's rick', it's supposed to be 'She's rich'.
3 - Not sure if you need the quotes around the words where people are not talking.
For example: 'Han then said,' "I just hope the old man got the tractor beam out of commission."
Do you really need the single quotes around "Han Then Said".
Probably not.
4 - Lastly, as for Ashoka's POV thoughts, maybe they should be in Italics or Bold, or something to distinguish them from the normal speech of the characters?
Again, I'm just trying to help, so PM me when you get the chance.
Other than that, the direction you were taking this story is good.
And I love the sarcastic wit that Ahsoka is employing through all this.
Very in-character for her, at least in my opinion.
So, over all, good work on this and look forward to more.
Write on!
267gunmanI'm not sure what I was expecting when I read this. However, I'll just point out a few things.
1 - It was very quick in some places. Like you skipped over a few things just to get this chapter out. My advice: slow down and write everything out as best you can.
2 - Your grammer needs correcting in some places. Like when Luke says 'She's rick', it's supposed to be 'She's rich'.
3 - Not sure if you need the quotes around the words where people are not talking.
For example: 'Han then said,' "I just hope the old man got the tractor beam out of commission."
Do you really need the single quotes around "Han Then Said".
Probably not.
4 - Lastly, as for Ashoka's POV thoughts, maybe they should be in Italics or Bold, or something to distinguish them from the normal speech of the characters?
Again, I'm just trying to help, so PM me when you get the chance.
Other than that, the direction you were taking this story is good.
And I love the sarcastic wit that Ahsoka is employing through all this.
Very in-character for her, at least in my opinion.
So, over all, good work on this and look forward to more.
Write on!
3/3/2013 c10 gunman
Nice interplay between the group, though, I have to say, it was rather difficult to read. Between Ahsoka's POV-thoughts and everyone talking, it became pretty hard to keep track of who was talking and who was thinking and vice-versa.
Still, the story is progressing nicely, and I look forward to more later on.
And giving Ahsoka some of their best lines was a nice touch.
Though I was both shocked and relived that you were using the original Star Wars movie (where Han shot Greedo first) and then the Special Edition (where Han and Jabba talk in the hanger bay)
Keep going with this.
Nice interplay between the group, though, I have to say, it was rather difficult to read. Between Ahsoka's POV-thoughts and everyone talking, it became pretty hard to keep track of who was talking and who was thinking and vice-versa.
Still, the story is progressing nicely, and I look forward to more later on.
And giving Ahsoka some of their best lines was a nice touch.
Though I was both shocked and relived that you were using the original Star Wars movie (where Han shot Greedo first) and then the Special Edition (where Han and Jabba talk in the hanger bay)
Keep going with this.
2/25/2013 c9 gunman
Good write-up for this chapter.
Though, you probably could have spaced out the sentences and such to make things more clear.
That aside, I also noticed in this story, that you did not say if Obi-Wan recognized Ahsoka, which would have been a good thing to mention in of itself.
Maybe the next chapter, when they are aboard the Falcon.
But that's just my suggestion.
Look forward to more later on.
Write on!
Good write-up for this chapter.
Though, you probably could have spaced out the sentences and such to make things more clear.
That aside, I also noticed in this story, that you did not say if Obi-Wan recognized Ahsoka, which would have been a good thing to mention in of itself.
Maybe the next chapter, when they are aboard the Falcon.
But that's just my suggestion.
Look forward to more later on.
Write on!
2/15/2013 c8 gunman
A little difficult to read, but a good read it was.
Ahsoka met Barris Offee and Aurra Sing, that's good. As is the fact that she has a new family and all.
A nice update. I look forward to more, as well as Barris joining them when they meet Luke and Ben.
Write on.
A little difficult to read, but a good read it was.
Ahsoka met Barris Offee and Aurra Sing, that's good. As is the fact that she has a new family and all.
A nice update. I look forward to more, as well as Barris joining them when they meet Luke and Ben.
Write on.