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for Children of Telara

7/22/2014 c1 1IgnitedTwister
Is this ever going to be completed? It's really good
10/23/2013 c1 2k+Hawki
-“Story start.”

Um, I think we can tell when the story itself starts. Y’know, when the bolded text stops…

-“The first thing I felt was the pain; an excruciating agony that made me feel like my skin was being melted from the inside out.”

Past tense here, stands in contrast to the rest of the story which is in present tense.

-Intro itself is good. Conveys sense and emotion quickly and effectively.

-"How a mage fell in love with you before killing you, I'll never understand…" The rough voice muttered. "Annoying as hell, you are. Buggery bastard…"

Credit where credit is due here in that it has “ye Olde English” feel. Don’t know if that was intentional, but if so, it works.

-It gets a bit weak at the end, how suddenly the story becomes more general, summarizing events over an extended period of time. I guess the technique isn’t erroneous in itself, but you’re telling us about character traits/abilities rather than showing them.

-Chapter itself is okay. Too early to comment much more I’m afraid, but it has a hook…kind of…potential for one at least.
7/17/2013 c1 3Darkwysper
Oo, promising start, but where's the rest?! Waaa, it's been some time since this has seen any love, are you still going to finish, hopefully? :)
6/21/2013 c1 A Friend
Well there's nothing to this story yet, not surprising with only 900 words, and it's really more of a prologue than a chapter, but I think it has a lot of potential so write on!

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