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for Maplestory : Heroes

1/2/2014 c2 NekomimiToree
It took me some time to realize what I feel your story is missing and I think I finally got it.

First, I'll focus on the first half (before you start Aran's back story). The readers are introduced to a Paladin who is looking for a cave, which is awesome except the whole thing is about two paragraphs too long and too descriptive. I feel there's a need to include at least one or two sentence telling the readers why the paladin is there or what he is doing instead of giving a pile of descriptions about some magical lights and some icy throne room.

Some of your figure of speeches are also inappropriate for your atmosphere, but since I'm not sure what kind of tone you're trying to achieve, I can't point out specific places in your story. But obviously, if you're writing a story set in ancient Egypt, you won't use similes such as "as fast as a bullet".

There's also some jargon that I'm lost about. What is a Terror Ward? What is mana soul? If it's not too important, just leaving it as "ward" or "soul" might convey the same thing without creating confusion. This problem also carries on to the back story portion where foreign words are thrown every other sentence. You tried fixing it by having the mother explain to the children the meaning of their names, which is very lazy, and feels a lot like an info-dump.

A much smarter way to do this would be to include the meaning in parenthesis (in books, it'll be included in the footnotes, but since this is online...), so you can skip all the "what's my name mean" fluff and include some explorations of the character's personalities.

As a whole, the beginning of the chapter is a bit shaky, but once things got into the action and drama, I stopped caring much about the flaws. So I wouldn't say the problems are large or immediate, but try to refine your introductions as write new chapters. Sometimes it helps to just have an intro so your can write out the rest, then delete the intro and write a new, more connected one.
12/27/2013 c3 4spida-dwag16
I already forgot about this. But wow, can't wait for the next chappie! :3
9/18/2013 c2 24Correcthorsebatterystaple
Hi. Just wanted to say that I like this story so far. It'll be interesting to see what pasts you come up with for the other heroes.
(By the way, you said that you don't know how to edit the prologue so that you can fix 'Rinne'? Well, you go to the doc manager and click edit on the file that you uploaded as the chapter, fix the mistake, save it, and then go to 'manage stories'. Click on your story, then go to content/chapters. There should be a button that says 'replace/update chapter'. If you click that, you can select the prologue and the edited version of the prologue and replace it. Voila! Hope that helps.)
4/18/2013 c2 3Risaia
For motivation, since it really is demoralising when no one seems to 'read' your story(: Excellent work and I love the backstory that you came up for Aran Waiting to see more for the other heroes as well!
3/14/2013 c2 12JusKIdding
I like it. Do more!
But update a bit faster please... I love it on how you do your story. This is one of the best stories I have ever read. There are pretty good ones but yeah...you have a competition going here.
3/13/2013 c2 4spida-dwag16

I'm not one for reviewing anymore, but... HEY.

Aran's my favorite character. I appreciate stories with Aran, so... TY. XD -runs back to Forever Alone corner-

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