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for She Never Knew

2/16/2013 c1 2OLI in the TARDIS
Long review because I have no life:

The biggest problem will have to be the grammar. Such as missing commas and certain things like that.

At the beginning it is mentioned that her dogs were being poisoned. I just don't see how this information is relevant to the story. I understand that it is adding damage to the tragedy surrounding her, but it doesn't seem to affect her much, and seems like random thrown information.

"Later they found 19 pills missing from his bottle at home." Why don't you try, " Later they found nineteen pills missing from his bottle at home." My AP composition teacher taught me to write numbers like that. Unless its something huge like 3,569,179,156 (three billion five hundred sixty nine million one hundred seventy nine thousand one hundred fifty six).

This is more of my personal writing style, not much of a critique. Why don't you give the characters names. Personally I get more attached to a character if I remember their name. Even though in this certain story the characters being nameless allows the readers to associate the little girl with themselves or any other little girl. It all depends what you're going for.

Another suggestion, I think it would be pretty amazing if you have the little girl narrating the story in first person. Maybe as an adult recalling everything. "When I was seven years old, I thought I had the best life."

Last suggestion, I believe the story would have much more intensity if the roles of the father and uncle are reversed. If the father is the one that dies, and the mom kills him and runs of with another man, imagine what that would do to the little girl. I would hate to be her.

Overall, your biggest issue is grammar. But listen to your teacher's suggestions above mine. Such as the number issue. I only pointed it out because I learned it from my teacher.

P.S. Is this for AP literature? I'm taking it next year.

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