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for Inazuma Eleven rewritten: Season One

3/8/2013 c2 1pHlant
Yesss! New chapter! I like your story so much! :)
Your writing style is so proffesional! It's so ehm.. Magical to read.
I'm sure you can finish this! I'm now going to read the next chapter!
3/8/2013 c3 20Kusanagi Laevateinn
Ahaha, another great chapter! Oof, I was getting anxious waiting. Ahh yeah, it's fine, I like giving reviews in general, haha. Especially when I see people improved because of my reviews, I feel great! Keep up the great work, and a few things, heh:

''That was just a fluke…'' Someoka muttered angry.
("That was just a fluke..." Someoka muttered angrily, glaring at nothing in particular.) - More of a suggestio

-Himeka added gloomy.
(Himeka added gloomily.) - Missing the -ly?

''The school council president, Raimon Natsumi.'' She said surprised.
(-She said in surprise, eyes wide.)

[I noticed that you missed -ly(s)? For example, you wrote 'replied serious', when it should be 'replied seriously'.]

''We only fulfilled our mission, that's all.''
("We're there only to fulfill our mission, afterall.")

Misaki shot a worried glare-
(How about, "Misaki gave a worried glance"? People normally don't glare when they're worried.)

''Girls, legwork!-"
(Shouldn't it be footwork? Correct me if I'm wrong, though.)

Everybody looked wonderingly.
(Everybody looked in wonder and surprise.)

Haruna red out more.
(Haruna continued reading her notes.)

Misaki smiled anime-style.
(How about "smiled sweetly" instead?)

[A little tip, though, when you use words like "Hai!", "Ittai...!" or any other Japanese words, you should give it italics, so it wont be mistaken. I mean, "Hai" could be perceived as "Hi" or "Hello", too.]
3/8/2013 c3 ShadowCyclone
So in this chapter Gouenji tells Himeka about Yuuka.
I just wanted to point out a minor mistake here in this chapter. It was about when you wrote 'legwork'. It doesnt seem very appropriate. It probably would have been better as footwork.
But that's all I wanted to point out. I might PM you my OC either tonight or tomorrow.
3/8/2013 c3 lou-haru
Sorry if I didn't review the last chapter. Busy with school.

Anyway! The last chapter and this one is really nice! And really awesome.

Hey, is it okay if I give another OC? If its alright?

Anyway. Update soon!
3/8/2013 c3 5FluffyLavandelClouds
It looks great, as usual. I got the feeling that I re-watch/re-read the anime again. Keep up the great work!
I'll send a oc for the Ocult captain if you still need one
3/3/2013 c2 Gsjjrurhsjfjdjdjf
Gosh sorry for reviewing soo late but I didn't had anything else to do.
So well OMFG soooo much longer in Word?!
I can see you put a lot of work, and is very hard for u my dear.
And the fact you want to write much more in a week is really make me the happiest person alive.
And sure thank u for everything I will PM you an OC I promise.
And my dear I need to say with all my heart, that even if you may have other dreams in the future
Never stop writing, you have such a wonderful talent my dear.
Look how many reviews you got just with 2 chaps.
You are a raw talent I swear a raw one, so please I love this all your stories.
Some of them even made me laugh even if I was sad and have been through problems.
Even till today I say I'm really lucky to have u as friend.
So well sorry for late respond. Pretty busy today.
But I will tell you now and always. Winns means talent, to repeat means character.
And you Mamera-chan have really both of them.
I will always read this fic with all my pleasure.
And thank you again, for opening my eyes, in life. Arigatou.
I really think that believe me I kinda spent my nights trying to read ur all fics.
And I could admire ur talent. That you put so much hard work in it.
And I just thought at all kind of people I know. That have talent but hard work.
And hard work without talent is a shame.
But talent without hard work is a tragedy. To think they could be like you.
Such a genius, gosh humankind can be so foolish these times.
But I think that's why people like you exist.
To show those idiots with talent and without talent that could have been genius.
I always wondered where talent comes from? Is like something you learn?
Something which is born in our genes and ADN?
Or simply our crazy minds looking to get higher?
But you know people say I am talented at music but I always say that I don't have talent.
I am just passionately curious.
And so are you I think.
Anyways, this fic is pure gold and totally bombatastic.
It will win a... IDK EVERYTHING?!
That's everything... Wish u good luck...
See ya soon!
3/3/2013 c2 6The Liker
Kawaii! This is so sugoi!
YOSH! :))
3/2/2013 c2 20Kusanagi Laevateinn
Kusanagi's long rant time! (I'm not lying, this is VERY long as I have a lot of expectations! This is the only ReWrite story I'm following, since you seemed so happy (and accepting criticism) when writing this)

Endou smiled by hearing the girls' comments.
(Endou smiled after hearing the girls' comments.)

''Hirosaki-san!'' Haruna replied.
Misaki smiled.
''Just call me Misaki. What are you doing here?'' She asked.
Haruna smiled.

(Wouldn't it be better like this:
"Hirosaki-san!" Haruna replied, walking towards the girl. Misaki smiled as she nodded at her.
"Just call me Misaki. What are you doing here?" She asked.
Haruna smiled in reply, and added, ''I was wondering if it was okay for me to sit here during the match.'')

The point is, rather than:
(name) action.

It's prettier to add more description and expressions, as they create more feelings and could be incorporated into the reader's imaginations.

(The same could be said to this one:
''Please somebody, drag him away…'' Nori complained.
Minorin snickered .

Frankly, it's quite... short? How about adding a few lines:
"Please, somebody..." Nori complained, "Drag him away..."
Minorin, who heard Nori's complains, snickered as she glanced at the weird boy from the Shogi Club.)

Looks better, no?

Also, when you're writing about a soccer fight, it's a better option to make a relatively longer paragraphs rather than


For example (This is just an example, so it's purely from imagination, may or may not following canon):

Teikoku's captain, Kidou, quickly stole the ball from Kazemaru. As he dribbled skillfully across the field, he gave his teammate, namely Sakuma, their usual sign. It was Kidou's glance and two nods. Simple as it is, but effective on the field. Sakuma nodded back at him, and started following his lead.

And also, for the Hissatsu Shoots, I'd recommend using bold and exclamation marks. For example (Alright, not a good example because you can't bold here) : "GOD HAND!". If they are quite energetic or hopeless when doing the technique, you may want to use all capitals to create more impact. Or if they're like Kageno, maybe something like this works better : "Dual Strike-!". It's up to you for the '' since they're a little weird.

Other than that, this is a great one. I'd say that this only lacks details and I noticed a few mistakes here and there, but keep writing and improve, I'm sure you'd be a great writer.

Sorry if this review looks too long, and if I sound like an arrogant smart ass by pointing all these out, but your project is quite huge, and, it would be really fun reading it if it is written and executed perfectly.

Thanks for your time reading!
3/2/2013 c2 7Starheartgalaxy
wow 25 pages in word :O that is indeed a lot of work ! Well let me tell you, you have done an amazing job on this chapter ! sweetie but then again you always do so that is nothing new :D well talk to you soon

Byebye xoxo
3/2/2013 c2 5FluffyLavandelClouds
So long, again before you know you can start writing books.
Yes, both teams had won the match! I can't wait to see what happend next.
Save a spot as Oumihara captain for me, ke? (Not really nessensery though, I'll send you an oc as fast a possible.)
3/2/2013 c2 ShadowCyclone
Yay! They won! :D You didn't write the scene where they got Kabeyama out from the locker though but nevermind that.
Maybe I'll submit an OC. If I have time later.
Gambatte! :D
3/2/2013 c2 32Princess Of Flames
You are working hard on this...
I want give an OC too!
You didn't mention OC form is on your profile!
3/2/2013 c2 3Pink Lightspeed Ranger
Awesome Chapter!
2/25/2013 c1 Pink Lightspeed Ranger
Good job on the first chapter.
2/24/2013 c1 15HachimitsuOukan
Uwah! This is sure to be a very, very interesting fic! And is sure is a big project!
Of course I'd like to join! I'll PM you, senpai

Well, I saw a noun that should be written as adjective...
But wow, senpai! This is such a long chap, and I think you did well!
And it also amazes me that you can write about so many OCs! (I haven't tried it myself but I think it would be harder than using canon characters, ehehe)

Anyway, best of luck! XD
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