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for You Never Cared

1/20/2014 c1 35SophiaOfSlytherin
This was excellent. Vulnerable, young Albus is so vital to the Headmaster/man he grows up to be. You portrayed the Dumbledore family very well. Also, you have an excellent way of phrasing things. I particularly enjoyed, "...the anger stilled pounded through his veins like acid." Your language provided a stunning image of the action as well, so great job!

However, I hope you don't mind some constructive criticism. I liked the denseness of the paragraphs in the beginning, but as the story went on, the paragraphs thinned out. I think the last three (which were all one or two sentences) could have been better if just put into one paragraph; you probably separated them for effect, but it did not carry terribly well. For more descriptions for paragraphs with dialogue, consider the following: Who is speaking? What is their tone? Are they fidget-y? What is their body language like? How do they view the listener? Additionally, I think the capital letters for Aberforth's shouting is a bit overdone; the exclamation suggests the volume by itself, or if it isn't enough, you could italicize or bold.

On that note, I'd like to recommend you to the creative writing website Rocky Mountain International (www. rmimagic .com), a text-based Harry Potter roleplay where we act as though Harry, Voldemort, and even the Dumbledores never existed. It's a lot of fun, and judging from this piece, I think you'd be a great addition to our community. I hope to see you around the site! :)
9/13/2013 c1 1rain-and-smiles
Oh my gosh. This was pretty much just like id imagine this moment. So touching and heart wrenching. 3
3/29/2013 c1 514yellow 14
Beautifully real. Keep writing
2/25/2013 c1 44TheFifthCharmedOne
Very emotional and very well done! Loved it!

-Charmy

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