for The Ero-Game5/6/2013 c1 
4the.PRESENT.pheasant
It's interesting, and original, I've never seen anything like it. I'll be waiting for the next chapter.
4the.PRESENT.pheasantIt's interesting, and original, I've never seen anything like it. I'll be waiting for the next chapter.
5/3/2013 c1 10000 Fists
Solid first chapter, and I am happy that someone is picking up the burden of the Ero-Game.
That being said, a few things you could have done better.
1. Spelling: Lot of mistakes in there, like wright instead of write. Read through it once aloud and get someone else to read it through before you post it next time, it cuts down on these kinds of mistakes.
2. Started in with the multiverse. This often isn't a mistake, but where you are just starting out and this is your first fic, you might want to concentrate on just Nartuo-verse for now. It's a lot easier to track a ripple on a pond than in an ocean.
3. Too much, too soon. Alot of the above is just the game telling Naruto to do things like level up or explaining things. What there is remarkably little of is what Naruto is saying/thinking. You might want to explain that next chapter by saying he couldn't talk or something, but pad it out. If he learns everything he wants to at once then there is no challenge, and thus no conflict.
Here with 'Hopefully' helpful suggestions.
10k
Solid first chapter, and I am happy that someone is picking up the burden of the Ero-Game.
That being said, a few things you could have done better.
1. Spelling: Lot of mistakes in there, like wright instead of write. Read through it once aloud and get someone else to read it through before you post it next time, it cuts down on these kinds of mistakes.
2. Started in with the multiverse. This often isn't a mistake, but where you are just starting out and this is your first fic, you might want to concentrate on just Nartuo-verse for now. It's a lot easier to track a ripple on a pond than in an ocean.
3. Too much, too soon. Alot of the above is just the game telling Naruto to do things like level up or explaining things. What there is remarkably little of is what Naruto is saying/thinking. You might want to explain that next chapter by saying he couldn't talk or something, but pad it out. If he learns everything he wants to at once then there is no challenge, and thus no conflict.
Here with 'Hopefully' helpful suggestions.
10k
5/5/2013 c1 8Lord Blood
wtf do your stats even mean? his intelligence is "1000", he sets his intelligence to "15", and next thing you know, it becomes "1005"? he places 15 more points into it and it is now "1020"? what is the point of setting stats in the thousands, when he only gets only a few points? putting 20 points into intelligence literally means nothing because the increases are so tiny. same with all the other increased stats.
also, keki genki / kekkai genkai. look things up if you don't know how to spell them. it takes only a few seconds to do so.
while you certainly have put in a lot of effort into creating the skills, perks, bonuses, etc., the confusing stats make all that mean nothing. i suggest doing a quick edit of the chapter to better clarify, otherwise it seems pretty meaningless to me.
8Lord Bloodwtf do your stats even mean? his intelligence is "1000", he sets his intelligence to "15", and next thing you know, it becomes "1005"? he places 15 more points into it and it is now "1020"? what is the point of setting stats in the thousands, when he only gets only a few points? putting 20 points into intelligence literally means nothing because the increases are so tiny. same with all the other increased stats.
also, keki genki / kekkai genkai. look things up if you don't know how to spell them. it takes only a few seconds to do so.
while you certainly have put in a lot of effort into creating the skills, perks, bonuses, etc., the confusing stats make all that mean nothing. i suggest doing a quick edit of the chapter to better clarify, otherwise it seems pretty meaningless to me.
5/3/2013 c1 Guest
supert history
supert history
5/4/2013 c1 2superhyoga
Hi:
The chapter is very good and but, in my opinion the character page is a bit difficult to read.
Please add the max of all the options, for a better read.
: Speed: 6091/20000
2superhyogaHi:
The chapter is very good and but, in my opinion the character page is a bit difficult to read.
Please add the max of all the options, for a better read.
: Speed: 6091/20000
5/3/2013 c1 1dbzsotrum9
hmm can you hold off adding Hinata/Sakura/Ino/Tenten from the harem (cause at the time, they are still kids, when they are like 16, they are much better (if it's a mass harem, might as well add them, cause even if I don't like them paired with Naruto, they are hot)
can you avoid bashing though
and will he be a good guy or will the power go to his head and he'll be more like a master with loyal slaves rather than their lover (besides, the only girl that treated him nice before he became a genin was Ayame -so maybe she gets affection, but maybe have some of Naruto's resentment take control of him)
also, if your gonna add Lemons or something overly violent, maybe you should put something like:
*insert lemon/violent scene here*
and put that lemon or violent scene on another site (with a link to you profile page on that other site on your fanfiction profile page -maybe use adult fanfiction-); that way, you aren't breaking a rule and you won't have to worry about their being a purge or something that effects you
1dbzsotrum9hmm can you hold off adding Hinata/Sakura/Ino/Tenten from the harem (cause at the time, they are still kids, when they are like 16, they are much better (if it's a mass harem, might as well add them, cause even if I don't like them paired with Naruto, they are hot)
can you avoid bashing though
and will he be a good guy or will the power go to his head and he'll be more like a master with loyal slaves rather than their lover (besides, the only girl that treated him nice before he became a genin was Ayame -so maybe she gets affection, but maybe have some of Naruto's resentment take control of him)
also, if your gonna add Lemons or something overly violent, maybe you should put something like:
*insert lemon/violent scene here*
and put that lemon or violent scene on another site (with a link to you profile page on that other site on your fanfiction profile page -maybe use adult fanfiction-); that way, you aren't breaking a rule and you won't have to worry about their being a purge or something that effects you
5/3/2013 c1 2hflp
Impressive. I enjoy the names given to the achievements. "Gah it's eating my face," gotta love it.
2hflpImpressive. I enjoy the names given to the achievements. "Gah it's eating my face," gotta love it.
5/3/2013 c1 4jabbarulez
uzumaki imperial jutsu and gun kata? interesting! might i suggest showing someone elses stats so we can see how naruto compares? just an idea.
4jabbarulezuzumaki imperial jutsu and gun kata? interesting! might i suggest showing someone elses stats so we can see how naruto compares? just an idea.
4/15/2013 c1 Lanzador
Need to go back and do some editing of the grammar and a little spelling here and there, otherwise okay I guess.
Need to go back and do some editing of the grammar and a little spelling here and there, otherwise okay I guess.
4/4/2013 c1 3The Immortal Doctor Reid
Please, just don't use Sakura or Hinata, please. Can't wait to read the next chapter
3The Immortal Doctor ReidPlease, just don't use Sakura or Hinata, please. Can't wait to read the next chapter
3/30/2013 c1 Ash0601
Just a question... Could you maybe have general levels for ninja types? Still have the stat points but have like where he is in terms to other ninjas?
110 strength equates to Chunin or something like that?
Just a question... Could you maybe have general levels for ninja types? Still have the stat points but have like where he is in terms to other ninjas?
110 strength equates to Chunin or something like that?