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3/29/2013 c1 11The Slytherin Songbird
Hey there! I noticed that your story doesn't have reviews on it yet and thought I oughta lend a hand and help out a fellow writer. I'd like to start off by saying that I really hope my feedback helps you - I'm not really the best at reviewing, I'm more of an author myself, but this is just what I thought personally and hopefully it'll give you a little assistance, at least. :)

I can definitely agree with you when you said in your Author's Note that concept was "cool". In the words of the Onceler, "You're darn right it was cool!" ;) Anyways, I really thought that the idea sounded very original and it looks to me like you've put a lot of thought into at least the basic skeleton of your plot. I really, REALLY cannot tell you how much I appreciate that you're writing a story involving canon characters and OCs that doesn't involve romance. Thank you SO much for putting a spin on things. :D The premise of your story is really cute, and Truffs sounds like an adorable character!

And now, on to your prose. The very first suggestion that I can make is that, rather than have the entire prelude in one giant chunky paragraph, try to split it up a little bit more. :) It's a lot easier on the eyes aesthetically, and it'll make your work look more professional - it's just good form. This rule applies especially in the second paragraph, where you have the whole story bunched together. I really loved what you had written, but it'd be so much easier to read it all and the flow would be much smoother if it were spread out a bit.

Most of my issues come from the first paragraph, but I saw a few slip-ups in the second one, too. Remember to keep consistent with your tenses. Sometimes throughout your writing, you'd teeter-totter between present and past tense; pick one and commit to it. ;) And remember, always make a new paragraph when someone is talking. For example, the old Onceler and the Lorax at the beginning. Every time they speak to each other, be sure to make a new paragraph.

Which brings me to another point: show us, don't tell us. :) Your idea is so wonderful, so be more descriptive of what's going on. I really liked how you described The Pallid and your established characters, but don't forget that things that are /happening/, ideas and concepts, need to be explained, too. It'll add to your characters and make them more human and believable if you include little details - be careful not to go too far, it's pretty tricky - about how the situation makes them /feel/. I know you said you were only testing out your idea and that's why it was so short, so this isn't really a HUGE problem or anything. Just a note for future reference if you decide to continue with this idea - and I sincerely hope you do.

Aaaaaaanyways, this is getting to be a SUPER wordy review, so I'll cut it short here. xD All in all, nice concept, just work on the prose a little bit more! ;) I enjoyed it, and wish you the best of luck and happy writing! (And I'd be happy to edit later chapters for you if you'd like - just PM me if you're interested!)

Oncie
3/16/2013 c1 Guest
Hey! This is a great start. I love how your putting the story together and how diffrent you made 'Truffs' from everyone else. Please continue!

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