for Covered in Rust10/28/2013 c1 Nyeh
... That was, beautiful...! Please, please write more...! Is she going to meet Smile and Sister...? And, are the two going to be in a relationship...?
The suspense is killing me...!
... That was, beautiful...! Please, please write more...! Is she going to meet Smile and Sister...? And, are the two going to be in a relationship...?
The suspense is killing me...!
8/5/2013 c1 yes
yes
yes
5/25/2013 c1 
10Whimsical Symphony
Hello, this is Whimsical Symphony, here to fulfill your review request made at CU. I like how your sentences and dialogue are very well balanced and you put just enough imagery so that it is not overpowering.
Just a little tidbit here about the dialogue:
"Alright, I understand," Kanoko tried to smile a little brighter,"Sabitsuki, you'll love the city, I promise. The air is actually cleaner there, and I'm sure you'll feel so much better. Oh, and you'll go to a new school, won't that be nice? There's more children in the city, and you'll make wonderful new friends, and I'll treat you like you were my own child, and-"
The second comma after 'brighter' should only be used if the previous quote was still continuing. But you always wrote dialogue like this. Also, for this one, there is an action tag 'smiling'. When it is an action, there is no need for the comma because it works as a sentence alone. Only speech tags need commas. I'll show you an example of each. It should be:
"Alright, I understand." Kanoko tried to smile a little brighter. "..."
If it's a speech tag:
"Alright, I understand," Kanoko said, smiling a little brighter. "..."
If it continues, then you need a second comma:
"Alright," Kanoko said, smiling a little brighter, "I understand..."
But that was it for your errors. Your grammar and punctuation was spot on most of the time.
The first thing I notice about your prologue is that you seem to be telling and not showing. This creates a bit of disinterest for the reader. I'll put down this line here and we can see how we can improve upon it:
"But what Mother couldn't give me, she made up for it with love. Despite being ill, my early childhood was good." - This, and the rest of the paragraph is so matter-of-fact and robotic. If you're writing this entire chapter about her past and you even have dialogue, why not 'show' instead? Such as in the form of memories or a similar device to show that her mother really did love her even though she didn't have that much money.
You tell more here:
"When we didn't leave town and the weather favorable, Mother would wrap my neck in the sunny yellow scarf she made specially for me and take me outside to play in the snow. When I was chilled to the bone, and sick of the rancid smell in the air, we'd go back inside and we'd have hot tea and a piece of her homemade cake." - Instead why not show it here too. Show a memory of her mother, perhaps before this paragraph, wrapping her in a soft yellow scarf and giving her some cake with a soft, caring smile upon her lips. That way, it keeps the story moving and it isn't kept stagnant on just her telling us everything. We want to see it happen. For a suggestion try something like: "She remembered [memory telling goes here]" and then softly bring us into the trance in which we see the memory, dialogue and all so it seems like she's actually remembering it.
Since this is third person perspective, you're dwelling too much into third-person. First person is all about thought process and how a character's mind works. When we think, we don't think of it in words, we think of it in images and we replay it happening like a film. So, as writers, we have to replicate the best we can and mimic that.
"The funeral was short, and not many people were there. Just some of Mother's close friends and co-workers. I wore a black dress, with black lace work gloves complete with a black floral hat. A close friend of my mother's, Kanoko, bought it for me. Apparently the same co-worker who informed me, called Kanoko to tell her the bad news, and she came straight from the city, and took it upon herself to take care of me. When she heard that I had nothing to wear to Mother's funeral, she immediately took me to a clothing shop to buy that dress. At least...that's what I can remember. My memory had been foggy on that damned day, when the co-worker told me that she died at work after I got back from school. Everything for me was blurred from then up until the funeral. When Kanoko took me back home." - This was done well even though it was telling. I can see the way she thinks and it's not just fact after fact. You strategically inserted the clothing and made it have some significance instead of just being an outfit. Quite a few writers make the mistake of putting clothing as an important fact and stopping the entire story for it.
I also enjoy how Kanoko is trying to be a replacement mother but feels very uncomfortable doing so. The dialogue tells it all. Splendidly done. I would have liked to see more of Sabitsuki's feeling here though. Does she feel uncomfortable that Kanoko is taking her to the city? How does she feel about Kanoko? Does she feel comfortable living with her? Is she still confused about her mother's death?
I think that these parts have an overall lack of feeling that you can improve upon. The beginning has more emotion, but she seems pretty blank for someone who had their mother die and now has to have new living arrangements. She also seems find with Kanoko and surprisingly coherent. She doesn't seem nearly as affected, and maybe that's why I wasn't fully engaged in this story.
"Kanoko," I interrupted, "I'm fine, really...you don't need to try to cheer me up. I'll be...fine. Really," I didn't believe myself, but I didn't want to upset Kanoko more than what she already was.
"Okay, dear. Well, let's get ready to go."
How does Sabitsuki feel about this? She says she's not that comfortable and that she didn't believe herself, but why not? Consider something more powerful, less bland like.
"... I didn't believe myself but I didn't want to accept Kanoko who must have felt awkward enough. I could feel my hands still trembling, my eyes still dry and burning from tears which refused to fall. She couldn't be gone. Could she?" - This seems like more of a constant thought process, right? From this we can tell exactly what she is feeling. We want to be let into the very core of her mind and know exactly why she is feeling sad and just how sad she's feeling.
I think this sentence was very well done: "I wore my yellow scarf instead of packing it in the briefcase with everything else. Not only because of the cold, but because I wanted to feel something physical from my mother." - You answered the why here and injected some feeling into it. The ending itself settled into a nice, soft, bittersweet ending because of that where we could feel Sabitsuki's sadness. The rest of your piece should be like that.
I enjoyed this story and can tell you're a writer with a lot of potential. I hope this helped you and good luck on your writing endeavors!
W. Symphony
-Member of Critics United-
10Whimsical SymphonyHello, this is Whimsical Symphony, here to fulfill your review request made at CU. I like how your sentences and dialogue are very well balanced and you put just enough imagery so that it is not overpowering.
Just a little tidbit here about the dialogue:
"Alright, I understand," Kanoko tried to smile a little brighter,"Sabitsuki, you'll love the city, I promise. The air is actually cleaner there, and I'm sure you'll feel so much better. Oh, and you'll go to a new school, won't that be nice? There's more children in the city, and you'll make wonderful new friends, and I'll treat you like you were my own child, and-"
The second comma after 'brighter' should only be used if the previous quote was still continuing. But you always wrote dialogue like this. Also, for this one, there is an action tag 'smiling'. When it is an action, there is no need for the comma because it works as a sentence alone. Only speech tags need commas. I'll show you an example of each. It should be:
"Alright, I understand." Kanoko tried to smile a little brighter. "..."
If it's a speech tag:
"Alright, I understand," Kanoko said, smiling a little brighter. "..."
If it continues, then you need a second comma:
"Alright," Kanoko said, smiling a little brighter, "I understand..."
But that was it for your errors. Your grammar and punctuation was spot on most of the time.
The first thing I notice about your prologue is that you seem to be telling and not showing. This creates a bit of disinterest for the reader. I'll put down this line here and we can see how we can improve upon it:
"But what Mother couldn't give me, she made up for it with love. Despite being ill, my early childhood was good." - This, and the rest of the paragraph is so matter-of-fact and robotic. If you're writing this entire chapter about her past and you even have dialogue, why not 'show' instead? Such as in the form of memories or a similar device to show that her mother really did love her even though she didn't have that much money.
You tell more here:
"When we didn't leave town and the weather favorable, Mother would wrap my neck in the sunny yellow scarf she made specially for me and take me outside to play in the snow. When I was chilled to the bone, and sick of the rancid smell in the air, we'd go back inside and we'd have hot tea and a piece of her homemade cake." - Instead why not show it here too. Show a memory of her mother, perhaps before this paragraph, wrapping her in a soft yellow scarf and giving her some cake with a soft, caring smile upon her lips. That way, it keeps the story moving and it isn't kept stagnant on just her telling us everything. We want to see it happen. For a suggestion try something like: "She remembered [memory telling goes here]" and then softly bring us into the trance in which we see the memory, dialogue and all so it seems like she's actually remembering it.
Since this is third person perspective, you're dwelling too much into third-person. First person is all about thought process and how a character's mind works. When we think, we don't think of it in words, we think of it in images and we replay it happening like a film. So, as writers, we have to replicate the best we can and mimic that.
"The funeral was short, and not many people were there. Just some of Mother's close friends and co-workers. I wore a black dress, with black lace work gloves complete with a black floral hat. A close friend of my mother's, Kanoko, bought it for me. Apparently the same co-worker who informed me, called Kanoko to tell her the bad news, and she came straight from the city, and took it upon herself to take care of me. When she heard that I had nothing to wear to Mother's funeral, she immediately took me to a clothing shop to buy that dress. At least...that's what I can remember. My memory had been foggy on that damned day, when the co-worker told me that she died at work after I got back from school. Everything for me was blurred from then up until the funeral. When Kanoko took me back home." - This was done well even though it was telling. I can see the way she thinks and it's not just fact after fact. You strategically inserted the clothing and made it have some significance instead of just being an outfit. Quite a few writers make the mistake of putting clothing as an important fact and stopping the entire story for it.
I also enjoy how Kanoko is trying to be a replacement mother but feels very uncomfortable doing so. The dialogue tells it all. Splendidly done. I would have liked to see more of Sabitsuki's feeling here though. Does she feel uncomfortable that Kanoko is taking her to the city? How does she feel about Kanoko? Does she feel comfortable living with her? Is she still confused about her mother's death?
I think that these parts have an overall lack of feeling that you can improve upon. The beginning has more emotion, but she seems pretty blank for someone who had their mother die and now has to have new living arrangements. She also seems find with Kanoko and surprisingly coherent. She doesn't seem nearly as affected, and maybe that's why I wasn't fully engaged in this story.
"Kanoko," I interrupted, "I'm fine, really...you don't need to try to cheer me up. I'll be...fine. Really," I didn't believe myself, but I didn't want to upset Kanoko more than what she already was.
"Okay, dear. Well, let's get ready to go."
How does Sabitsuki feel about this? She says she's not that comfortable and that she didn't believe herself, but why not? Consider something more powerful, less bland like.
"... I didn't believe myself but I didn't want to accept Kanoko who must have felt awkward enough. I could feel my hands still trembling, my eyes still dry and burning from tears which refused to fall. She couldn't be gone. Could she?" - This seems like more of a constant thought process, right? From this we can tell exactly what she is feeling. We want to be let into the very core of her mind and know exactly why she is feeling sad and just how sad she's feeling.
I think this sentence was very well done: "I wore my yellow scarf instead of packing it in the briefcase with everything else. Not only because of the cold, but because I wanted to feel something physical from my mother." - You answered the why here and injected some feeling into it. The ending itself settled into a nice, soft, bittersweet ending because of that where we could feel Sabitsuki's sadness. The rest of your piece should be like that.
I enjoyed this story and can tell you're a writer with a lot of potential. I hope this helped you and good luck on your writing endeavors!
W. Symphony
-Member of Critics United-