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for Paul, Percy, and Monsters

8/2/2016 c1 Linkm4
This is awesome. You should continue this.
8/8/2013 c1 12Finwitch1
Love the way Percy doesn't mind his rather severe injuries but srewing up with his mother...
8/7/2013 c1 32Princess Of Flames
One paragraph should consist of at maximum 6 lines.
Please write the dialogues separately that way the context would look neater and more readable
7/1/2013 c1 K.C.R
A few things you need to work on sweetie.

"It came as shocker that he wasn't showing any sign of pain like an average kid would."

You forgot "a" so it would be. "It came as a shocker," also, a comma should have been inserted or else it's a run on sentence. "It came as a shocker that he wasn't showing any sign of pain, like an average kid would."

"He was face pale as if he had just seen a ghost."

It isn't meant to be "He," it's meant to be "His."

Spacing is another problem, rarely does an author after that long of a paragraph, leave the speech inside the paragraph. When someone starts talking, put space between it and a paragraph, don't leave it in the paragraph.

Your missing capitalization in some of the speech marks too.

I would suggest for: He was face pale as if he had just seen a ghost. "-it will just turn into a scar, plus I know first-aid." He continued rambling. "-and the hospital probably can't do anything..." His voice trailed off, as if he was running out of excuses.

He blanched, his face as pale as a ghost's.

"I-It will just turn into a scar, and I know first aid!" Percy quickly stated, and before Paul could comment, Percy hurriedly began speaking. "A-And the hospital probably can't do anything about it..."

(It's better to finish a sentence, even if the character trails off, fragments don't settle well with readers. That, and t-to make a character s-stutter implies nervousness and gives your story more excitement.)

In the last two lines you over-used "probably," but you can replace it with "by now," and other things relating.

Plot idea is okay, but lacks appeal.
4/22/2013 c1 5Supernerdette
great! write more?
4/2/2013 c1 31NamelesslyNightlock
I hope you post more soon, this looks like it could be hilarious! I love it!
4/2/2013 c1 drpend

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