for KT's Story Surprise3/11/2014 c4 
19ONNMT has moved
Hm.
Super sweet, but more typos and grammar errors. You needn't re-act the scene from Luke's POV, either; just say they were talking, then kissing. I skipped it myself; other's will probably do the say.
Again, suspense was lacking. She didn't express any remorse over leaving her home. Not realistic. Also, the whole kissing thing was romanticized; no one acts like that after 'dating' for less than a day - they aren't even dating; they kissed, and that was it. For some reason, KT doesn't need to think over becoming an item with him, either.
Additionally, it's best not to mention who she'll fall for; it's a major spoiler, and it kills the anticipation. Also, no one thinks like that about a stranger. Luke is just a romance-book hero; not realistic.
Otherwise, it was pretty fab. However, I still recommend a Beta reader; not just your friend. If I was more familiar with the series, then I would volunteer to do this potential justice, lol.
-ONNMT
19ONNMT has movedHm.
Super sweet, but more typos and grammar errors. You needn't re-act the scene from Luke's POV, either; just say they were talking, then kissing. I skipped it myself; other's will probably do the say.
Again, suspense was lacking. She didn't express any remorse over leaving her home. Not realistic. Also, the whole kissing thing was romanticized; no one acts like that after 'dating' for less than a day - they aren't even dating; they kissed, and that was it. For some reason, KT doesn't need to think over becoming an item with him, either.
Additionally, it's best not to mention who she'll fall for; it's a major spoiler, and it kills the anticipation. Also, no one thinks like that about a stranger. Luke is just a romance-book hero; not realistic.
Otherwise, it was pretty fab. However, I still recommend a Beta reader; not just your friend. If I was more familiar with the series, then I would volunteer to do this potential justice, lol.
-ONNMT
3/11/2014 c3 ONNMT has moved
Hm. A bit disappointing.
The Dave thing was a bit predictable, I'm sorry. It was also very sudden. It's just like, "Let's talk" (Ooh, is he going to confess?), "I love you" (I was right. A shame.), and then "KISSING". He grabbed her hips, and they kissed. She somehow didn't expect this from the hip-grabbing, and returned the kiss. Then, lack of anything except "We kissed for a long time; I don't know how long".
Yawn.
Also, the choosing of Dauntless could have been described better. It was, again, abrupt. There was no suspense. The formatting could have made it so, but it didn't. New speakers need a new line, the text should be separated into paragraphs, and things like 'Dauntless' and 'Divergent' need capital letters at the start; they are locations and titles.
Otherwise, good.
Hm. A bit disappointing.
The Dave thing was a bit predictable, I'm sorry. It was also very sudden. It's just like, "Let's talk" (Ooh, is he going to confess?), "I love you" (I was right. A shame.), and then "KISSING". He grabbed her hips, and they kissed. She somehow didn't expect this from the hip-grabbing, and returned the kiss. Then, lack of anything except "We kissed for a long time; I don't know how long".
Yawn.
Also, the choosing of Dauntless could have been described better. It was, again, abrupt. There was no suspense. The formatting could have made it so, but it didn't. New speakers need a new line, the text should be separated into paragraphs, and things like 'Dauntless' and 'Divergent' need capital letters at the start; they are locations and titles.
Otherwise, good.
3/11/2014 c2 ONNMT has moved
Hm, short, and it misses some key punctuation. Again, new speakers need a new line.
It's alright.
Hm, short, and it misses some key punctuation. Again, new speakers need a new line.
It's alright.
3/11/2014 c1 ONNMT has moved
Hey there.
First of all, I'd like to say, that I really like this so far! However, the format is less-than-inviting; basically, it's a big wall of text. I don't think this was intentional, but new paragraphs and speakers need a new line. Also, there were a few typos, and there were a couple of different tenses at the beginning. Otherwise, brilliant! :)
I recommend re-doing this chapter; just have it structured properly.
Hey there.
First of all, I'd like to say, that I really like this so far! However, the format is less-than-inviting; basically, it's a big wall of text. I don't think this was intentional, but new paragraphs and speakers need a new line. Also, there were a few typos, and there were a couple of different tenses at the beginning. Otherwise, brilliant! :)
I recommend re-doing this chapter; just have it structured properly.
4/11/2013 c1 Jc
Are u working on the next chapter, katelin?
Are u working on the next chapter, katelin?
4/11/2013 c1 Jc
This is good katelin! :) ha people my best friend wrote this, yayy :) katelin also it's factions not fractions. Although i gotta admit that was funny, now continue on and don't drop this story
This is good katelin! :) ha people my best friend wrote this, yayy :) katelin also it's factions not fractions. Although i gotta admit that was funny, now continue on and don't drop this story