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for WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE!

3/11/2014 c2 19ONNMT has moved
Ah, I see. Very well then.

However, please do not deceive us by titling it 'Chapter 2'; this is an author's note, not the actual work, so please label it more appropriately. Also, I'd hate to be 'that guy', but FF has brought up a rule against chapters that consist of only A/Ns; I'm not going to report it, because I'm just as guilty, but committing the same offense twice in a row - in the same story, no less - is a bit of a bigger issue, so just watch it, ok?

*The reason why I came here originally, was to add an addition to my previous review. I apologize if I offended you, but it is what it is, and I express no remorse. My terms could have been softened a bit, but the idea still stands*

Cheers.
-ONNMT
3/10/2014 c1 ONNMT has moved
. . .
*Sigh*
So many things...

Ok. To be put simply, this needs a lot of work. And I mean, a lot. No offense, but it made me palm my face for a good few seconds.

First, the summary: ["I'm not good with summaries"]. BOOM. That one key line, at the very start. Fact of life: unless they are kind, more often than not, potential readers will skip over stories with this kind of summary, because they assume 'Oh, if they can't write a good summary, they can't write a good story'. Stereotypical, yes, but it is often so. If you can't pitch your idea, you probably can't execute it, either. Also, there is no actual summary. At all. Just, the pairings, genre, rating. If you want us to read your fic, we need to know what's inside, from the outside. Just a tasty gist of the idea, and you'll have us hooked. No spoilers, but enough to have us entranced.

That author's note is too long. It is about one-third of the entire chapter. FanFiction itself says you're only supposed to have SHORT A/Ns at the start and the end. Not massive paragraphs. Also, it's hard to tell where the A/N ends, and the actual writing starts; people usually use bold font to avoid that, but I assume the centered-format was for that purpose. Still, shorten it; no one will stick around to hear you ramble (pair that with the rubbish 'summary', and you have lost too many chances). We don't need to know what happens in the story before we read it; that's to be mentioned to a certain extent in the summary, and the be the actual story.

Hold on. It remains in the centered-format. Just, no. It's hard to read, a giant turn-off, and not to mention that it is just a wall of text. New speakers, need a new line. Basic English. Learn it. Also, you are leaving out vital pieces of punctuation (it should be, ["Ok, students, ready to return home?"]). I spotted 'said' twice in a row, which could have been replaced by countless synonyms, and I saw "me and my mom"; correct English, would be "my mom and I"

Skipping the rest of the atrocity, and you add "desu" on the end of your note. It makes you sound like a weeaboo, which comes with little girls of age 11-13, the former being too young legally to be on the site. I'm sorry, but this is just terrible. Please, re-write it completely, to spare my brain.

I recommend a Beta reader. Very much.

Good: Chapter amount and length of the part, friendly attitude
Bad: Basic English is lacking (punctuation, grammar, formatting), and the fic is not appealing, inside or out (summary and conduction)

NOTE: This is NOT a flame. This is CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. I am telling you this, to improve your work. I am not hurling insults.

Thank you for your time, you're welcome for mine, and I hope dearly that you can learn to grow and improve.
Ciao.
-ONNMT
11/20/2013 c1 15Veredith
Well, so far it's not bad but I think that you should split -for lack of a better word- the paragraphs a bit. Since the paragraphs are rather long, it's not that easy on the eyes.

And maybe you should stop writing the actions like that. (Ie; *GLOMPED*)
Instead, write it as; (I looked around to see who it was when, all of a sudden, I was tackled into a hug). Or, if you don't know what to do, I suggest you get a beta.

Well then that's that. I'm sorry if I offended you somehow. But other than that, the story's pretty good.
7/14/2013 c1 5Syn'phasia
Read my PM.

It's very good. .
6/27/2013 c1 1Caramel-Rose
And a cliffhander The adventure will now begin
4/24/2013 c1 6Assassin-chan
I Love it ! so far that is... I think as a idea or something, that for your OC characters have a catch phase also have a certain word that ticks them off... like princess, cutie, idiot, shortie, dumbo or tsudere. Still keep writing this story, please !

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