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for The Zerg Swarm - Neo

4/29/2013 c2 General TheDyingTitan
as much as I like your work as an author I must regretfully inform you as with the terran legion you started way too powerful, start weak and grow from there this way its boring and uninteresting due to a lack of a challenge, please rethink this and start again its a good plotline please do not ruin it

4/29/2013 c2 Delta8
Nice start of the re-launch of the original story, even if its bit sudden growth in power. I look forward to where it leads
4/29/2013 c2 a1993
Whoa, thats alot of changes to the story already, they started within a clan this time and in white stone too... wonder what else you will change...
4/29/2013 c2 Phoenixbat
first chappy isn't as good as the second. if you quit this story so help me god ill beat the shit out of you.
4/29/2013 c2 21coincidencless
Lovely reload, I hope you have the motivation to finish this new version. It's looking a lot better than the previous; it's clear you've grown a lot as a writer since starting :-)

Eagerly awaiting the next chapter.
4/29/2013 c2 kaazmiz
For now i shal only say that you could have put this 2 chapters into one.
4/29/2013 c2 karthik9
It is excellent chapter.I look forward to future updates.
4/29/2013 c2 Maben00
words escape me and all I can say is I LOVE IT! I can't wait for more, keep up the great work when you can :-}
4/29/2013 c2 OnyxTemplar
This is an even better piece of writing than the other one. I am supremely interested to see where things go from here, and more than a bit curious about all of the women. Surely they are not queens, but if not, who are they? Also you've done a very good job of portraying Night as something more than human and beyond human concern while also keeping him humane and gentle when possible.
4/29/2013 c2 6Capito Celcior
I like that finaly I can read more about Night. But I'm not sure this one is better yet than the previous one. It feels far too rushed.

Part of the fun was the build up. You started with gathering bio-energy (although the numbers weren't absolutely required, the fact that you needed more or in terms of "as much energy as five zerglings" would be ok too.) and then having five zerglings. And they went out and you built more and more. The ambitions for the future, the fantasy of an empire, the dream for tomorow and the day after...

Mind you, I like this setting. But I can't help but feel that this story would be even better if next chapter has Night telling his mother (Dawn wouldn't get it yet) how this all started. Ideally, the first chapter would have been a prologue and the second chapter would start about the origin. From the moment he became ill for three days. Taking at least a few chapters to explain the build-up, th conquering of the territory, the creation of the queen Eve, the castle, the servants...and Night planning for the time he'll take his mother and sister out.

Then the last chapter before the prologue ends the night before the ritual of the Clan. THEN this chapter follows that, passing over the events of the prologue and beginning right after.

Since that would most likely confuse a lot of the readers, as a chapter went missing for a while, it's probably best if you go with the "Night explaining to his mother" way. Of course, not in a simple dialogue. Night begins to explain but as if time rewinds we start reading the chapter as though the events happen right before us, like these first two chapters do.

Please don't think I don't like these chapters. But I do want to read about the beginnings. Those six months between his three days of sickness and the day he spat on his clan.
4/28/2013 c2 ManlyMonk
Nice, introducing the stars ambition. It probably our own curiosity as humans, but reading about one is also great. The epicness that can ensue is just so great to imagine. I wish more great writers write stuff like this in the Starcraft category but you're the only one, so I'm putting on my hopes on you! Update soon bro!
4/28/2013 c2 GunSmoke2
Awesome rewrite, can't wait for more chapters.
4/28/2013 c1 ManlyMonk
I was hoping for the buildup into power, but this is just the first chapter. I really loved the old story and I hope that you will also do this justice as well as go through till the end :D. No other stories based off of that were good reads. Also, the only thing that I remotely disliked in the other story is the imput of the deities. I feel as if putting in the two gods detract away from the vastness that is the unknown (space) and destroys the audience's want for Night to improve his zerg population and explore more and meeting MUCH greater things in the process. Maybe the safeguard of Night possibly forcing himself on his queens could be something else as well and not a threat for an omnipotent being. I just love it being its usual epic self. Looking forward to more and onward to chapter 2!
4/28/2013 c2 D00rFr4m3
You win.
I didn't think you could top the original.
I admit, I scoffed. I wondered, "Why?"
I don't care anymore.
You did it. You took everything good about the original, and then made it more.
You expanded the back story of the characters, before they felt a little Mary Sue, now they feel real.
You gave them both safety, and torment. That is far better, to me, than the previous story.
I'm definitely going to be following this closely.
-Ak... I forgot what my username is now.. Going with AkuTenshi.
4/28/2013 c1 devo342
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