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for The Zerg Swarm - Neo

4/28/2013 c2 27Abyssal Angel
I like the new start very much. I kinda miss the build up of the Swarm though. Any chance you could do a flashback chapter or two following Night's tale starting with him becoming the Overmind? After all I have to wonder how exactly you got the Swarm to this point. Building? Sewing? I can understand the Zerg Queen's being humanoid and so could pull off something like that, but you have hundreds if not thousands of humanoid servants in the Zerg now. Who/What are they?
4/28/2013 c2 syed
Yay, I always enjoyed your stories. Using the zerg, will you plan to farm the hellites to get the cores you want.

Why not build your own city as the basis of your power?
4/28/2013 c1 Nokanomi
"Eve," Night said, unable to keep from smiling himself.

Last time I checked, Zerg queens are in fact not M.M.O.s about space and markets.
4/28/2013 c1 3USCG CCT
An overlord going ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND MPH? that thing would rip itself apart going at less than one thousand. And it seemed that you are breaking the Zerg down from what they truly are. I don't think that Eve should have a human form, she should look like she would rip you in half for looking directly at her.
4/28/2013 c2 5daniel.ong.37
an amazing story
4/28/2013 c2 The-killer-of-007
Well there goes one of the best story's I've read here on FF this new ones first two chaps are not as good as the old ones but its your story I'm just the reader:3
4/28/2013 c1 2FoggyHunter
Uh.. whu.. what? What the hell is this? Ok, I have to talk about this, and I'm sorry if this sounds like a rant, because it probably is.
This is supposed to be a reboot of a story you already wrote, and thus is inherently supposed to be an improvement of that story. This... this is no where near an improvement. The original of this story was absolute GOLD. It was interesting, it had me enthralled, it made me care about the characters. The story about how a boy turns into a man while at the same time trying to keep his humanity in check in the face of overwhelming power was absolutely brilliant, and the reason that it was brilliant is because you SHOWED us the story. You showed us how he grew, how he learned, how he adapted. You showed us that he wasn't perfect, that he made mistakes and that he learned from them. You showed us his struggles, both externally and internally. I loved that story. To me, it was a shining gem that we all strive to find on this site.
Then... then you decide to just sweep that all away and give us this, and even have the audacity to tell us that THIS is an improvement from the original. That, frankly, is just insulting, to both us as readers and you as a writer. What was great about the original is that you SHOWED us the story through action, drama, dialogue. And what really pisses me off the most, as a reader, is that in this, this so called "improvement", you replaced all that with a boring, narrative-like exposition for half of the entire first chapter. Gone is the road of character development that we saw in the original. Gone is the action and drama that we readers came to love. Gone are the elements that you used to make this story into the masterpiece that it was. Instead, the entirety of the original story is replaced by half a chapter of exposition that does absolutely no justice to the original story.
You have flushed down an excellent story that showed us what was happening in the story, and replaced it with narrative that instead TELLS us what is happening in the story, and that is just plain, lazy writing.
I don't know what happened that caused this. All I know is that you have soiled a good, interesting story, and for that I am severely disappointed.
4/28/2013 c2 1Trialkiller34
Good overall start, but I'm curious, how did Night get all those servants? are they human? or are they all a part of the swarm?
4/28/2013 c2 Pwnbot
good characters i like them
4/28/2013 c2 4Relvain Jenafuse
Good to see your story again. I like your intro this time more than the other. I will be resuming my story in 4 months when I finally graduate from College after 5 years.

I have an idea for an enemy to rival the swarm in my story so I would like to communicate with you in the future so that it doesn't seem like I am stealing any ideas off of you other than the original concept behind it.
4/28/2013 c2 25Guardian54
Not as down-to-earth as the old character backgrounds were, but much more epic and much more appropriate in terms of the scales involved of relative power. After all, it's like modern warfare and industries compared to the stone age... looking forward to future updates.

1000 mph for overlords is a bit up there though, there would be a sonic boom...
4/28/2013 c2 Syutian
Amazing. A little odd, starting a little ways in, but I like it a lot! Thanks so much for the redone version of this story, and I hope you continue it!
4/28/2013 c1 Pwnbot
I still think 1000mph is too fast. maybe in space where no friction lets slow acceleration reach such speeds maybe but for a middle aged world 1000mph grants Night unstoppable options in troop deployment since overlords could deploy nearly anywhere. He has troop transports and aerial spies that go twice the speed of commercial airplanes in a place that has little antiair. Why? Why do the need to go so fast
4/28/2013 c2 7DaLintyMan
So, how does this all work? Mainly the servants and the whole "massive underground fortress" thing.

Small grammar issues, but nothing truly serious. Also, could you break up the updates to one chapter twice as fast?
4/28/2013 c1 DaLintyMan
So, you have skipped the first half, and went straight to diplomacy. Well, it's still interesting.
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