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for The Zerg Swarm - Neo

5/7/2013 c1 dont know
you changed the zerg so much that they are not zerg anynmore. :) but i still liked some of it
5/9/2013 c3 Spies Everywhere
East bridge, I know you probably won't see this, but please, KEEP WRITING! Your storys are magnificent, and have grasped my attention, and I don't mind waiting for another. Peace
-Spies Everywhere
5/8/2013 c1 3drw543
Hey man I know story writing is tuff so u should try to bulid the next Zerg neo around the Zerg swarm a bit more and do it at your lesier or make a schedule to manage your time better ... ZERG RUSH!
5/8/2013 c3 17izwan
your strive for perfection is commendable, but i'm sure you could do better than rewriting the whole story.
Its only two chapters so i think you have lots of space to fill up what you intend to fill.
It would be another matter if your fic already reached 20 or 30 chapters.

People will think that while you are a good writer, you lack the drive to finish what you have started.
5/8/2013 c3 Nokanomi
I hope I'm not the only person who says this, because I kind of feel like a jerk, and would rather be in a band of jerks than one crazy guy shouting "worship me or die" to a bunch of ants while holding a magnifying glass, but I think this could be a good idea for you.

When I say that, I think you should be careful about how you start this time, and take a few things into account. First of all, while I may be unique, I think that you shouldn't make the "antagonists" and jerks as hate-able as you make them. While it may make for a good moral-aligned character, it makes for bad story telling excluding the pathologically insane characters that the Dungeons and Dragons players seem to like so very much. In leui of that, I have no problem with you making dislikable characters, but you should point out things that really make us think about their morals an drives in live, such as noting that the person was really just trying to survive in a hostile world, and that the choices they made reflect that. Moral absolutes don't work in stories.

Another thing to take into account is that your first version of "The Zerg Swarm" was made popular and enjoyable because of the expansion and progression that you showed, and the balancing that occurred in the numbers game. So with that in mind, I think that you shouldn't make any individual Zerg with the exception of game-enders such as Ultralisks capable of taking down anything higher than a grade two anything. When reading that, it may seem like a limitation, it will help your story as it keeps things believable, and it keeps in the horror of being overwhelmed by something you once thought to be a useless husk of a creature through numbers alone in any enemies of your protagonist. I'm not telling you how to write your story, but at least consider it. It also makes for nice stories about the sieges of castles and cities, as our favourite protagonist might lose extremely badly, but end up setting up a base camp outside of said enemy base and constantly swarming them until they give in. It makes for quite a few unique plot devices.

Also, I noticed that the way you introduce the family to the strange new alien (note that I use that as an adjective) things is often weak, or rather, the family's reactions are generally slightly unrealistic. While I liked the whole idea of them having trouble to sleep, or freaking out upon waking up, I think there needs to be more to illustrate that the shock of a parent seeing their children commanding hordes of what could be for all intensive purposes monsters, is great. If you find yourself unsure of that quality of your reactions, you could always have the Overlord hide the fact that he is from his family for a while, or just send it to me. Either one works. Actually, the former could be better. Imagine the antics the great and powerful Overlord could get up to, including quite possibly stuffing Zerg queens into cupboards to hide them from an unexpected encounter with his family. Stuff like that is great.

An extra little tid-bit to keep in mind is pacing. It doesn't matter what trick you use to do that, from examining how long you want the story to be, and making set milestone every chapter, or every other chapter, and so on, or if you just go by feel, as long as you keep in mind that the new commander of the Zerg Swarm from sieging the capital in the first ten chapters. Some people even use math for this, but I'll never understand them. If you'd like, I could even make up a nice and tidy timeline for you in terms of keeping the milestones and accomplishments steady.

I suppose that's all I can think of for now, but if you'd like more advice, I could easily look through your stories and see what you do well and what...Not so much. That said though, please keep in mind that I'm not flaming your, or trying to force you to write your story a certain way, or trying to annoy you. I'm trying to help you write a story that you can look back on and say "Holy crap. I wrote this. I wrote this. I really wrote this.". Still, If you want to write your story a certain way, feel free, but please at least keep what I've said here in mind, but, what do I know. I'm just some random musician who doesn't cut his hair enough.
5/8/2013 c3 alex.rushing.5
Still good.
5/8/2013 c3 kaazmiz
Lets hope 3rd times the charm ay?
5/8/2013 c3 Zeph3r
*facepalm*

WOW . . .

Writing is torture eh?

Perhaps you should take a break and focus on something else, instead of trying to force out ideas for this.
5/8/2013 c3 ManlyMonk
YES! KEEP GOING! I NEED THIS STARCRAFT ZERG SHIZZ. DEVELOPMENT DEVELOPMENT! and a little of bit of zerg queen too plox :D.
5/8/2013 c3 Berserk Kyuubi
-_- again i know you're trying to make it perfect but it doesn't need to be absolutely perfectm, but i admire your dedication to getting the perfect story so good luck on this next one and ill be here to read it when you publish it
5/8/2013 c3 Phoenixbat
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!
5/8/2013 c3 27Abyssal Angel
I know the feeling. My own Zerg Swarm story had to be rebooted as well, and the reboot just panning out as I would like. Wishing you luck and looking forward to seeing the new chapters, and if you're looking for anyone to bounce ideas off of, I bet some of your readers, myself included, would be available.
5/8/2013 c3 jdog1021
Dude, i understand why you are doing another restart. whatever. my recommendation is to take this story and just re-post on it. Also, write a complete outline of you story, along with a fully fleshed out Luminous and the path you intend the zerg to take, and when they are going to upgrade. i enjoy you stories, they are unique, but this is getting ridiculous. only start writing the chapters after you know where you want to go with the whole story. this will also make the story easier to write. Good luck with the re-boot.
5/8/2013 c3 ScarsOfThePast
In the words on my English teacher when he reads a cliff hanger in a book. Stop being such a cock tease god dammit
5/8/2013 c3 25Guardian54
I'm glad you saw your only problem (Note: I am NOT being condescending here, I have a lot more problems writing than you do, particularly my emphasis on how tech superiority or alternatively insane quantity plus reasonable tech parity wins out all the time. It's realistic since war is supposed to be as UNBALANCED as possible, but a lot of readers don't appreciate it.)

The old version of the fic paid more attention to the culture of the planet, you might want to consult it...

Wait, you could consult other fantasy series, you know, like the Dungeons and Dragons novels, for reasonable societies where magic exists (and causes tech to stagnate, resulting in eventual resource depletion and extinction)...
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