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for The Dependent Twin

6/1/2013 c3 Belle'Masque
Cant Wait for the next chapters!
6/1/2013 c1 10xoverlover
Hello there, just dropping by to give a little suggestion regarding your choice of summary for this story.

You should consider taking out the whole "unlike any fanfic I've read." It's something that sounds intriguing when a reader of the fic in question says it, but coming from the author themselves, it kind of loses credibility. Sort of when the author adds on things like "better than it sounds!", "not like other fics with this same concept!", "with OCs, but no Mary Sues!", and the like. It stops being a summary, and it becomes the author haggling with the potential readers about why they should read their story.

I think a better focus would be to mention a bit of Tsuna and Ienari's relationship from the get-go. Something like "Tsunayoshi and Ienari have always had a close sibling relationship. They were always there for each other, but things began to change the day a certain hitman arrived with shocking news. As Tsuna struggles with the weight of creating his own Family as the heir of a powerful mafia family, how will Ienari respond to the sudden absence of his cherished twin?"

Or something like that. It sorta depends on who you want to focus on, Ienari or Tsunayoshi (or both equally). But yeah. Personally, when I'm reading fics, I prefer the summary and the writing to contain as little input from the author as possible: in a summary, I don't want the author to tell me why I should read their story, I want them to show me by painting a tiny picture of what the fic will be like. Fail that, some hook in the shape of the tone the fic will have (lots of authors use a single sentence that hints at the tone). Within the story itself, the author also shouldn't pipe in with author notes in parentheses, because it breaks the immersion. It's weird when the author breaks the story to add their little excited comments, but it's a bit worse if they have to explain anything: if the scene itself doesn't explain it, or is likely to be misinterpreted, you can always add the little note at the bottom of the chapter.

Anyhow, these are little tips I thought I might type for you, and I'm sorry if it's completely unwanted - feel free to ignore it if that's the case. I'm definitely not trying to bash you or anything, these are just things I wish other authors would have told me during my first years of fic-writing.

Best of luck with your fic!
5/2/2013 c1 10Angelic Fluffle
This idea is really good, and I like the idea. I hope you make this a longer story instead of just a short one-shot. It has taken FOREVER to find a story where Tsuna has a twin that actually likes him, so I really want to see the development of this story.
Fluffle out!

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