Just In
for For Love Of Death OOTI

10/2/2013 c3 2Zhespy
This AWESOME are you going to continue it or does it end there
7/17/2013 c3 1Emolga237
Update please!
6/16/2013 c3 3Artemis Phantomhive
Hey, this story is amazing! SpiritGirl183 had some good points. But I love the very original ideas. I can't wait until the next chapter!
5/15/2013 c3 13SpiritGirl183
This story is pretty cool so far! I like the concept of dancing for the gods, and then some people actually rebelling. In other OOTI stories (even though there's not too many), the villagers all seem to believe in the gods, so it's refreshing to see that some people actually denied that belief.
That is, until they burst into flames. :O

Anyway, I wanted to comment on how you structure your story:
- it's hard to read a chapter that is all condensed in one paragraph. Try splitting it into numerous little paragraphs instead. You can do this by...
- indenting whenever a new person speaks. stories have more flow when the dialogue is well-spaced and separated by detail, such as the environment the people are in, the clothes they're wearing, and what the people around them look and act like.

Here's an example of proper indentation:
"Hey! You stole my sandals!" Said Papa Ge angrily. He glared at Agwe, who was holding a pair of jet-black sandals in his hand and bearing a mischievous expression.
"I don't know what you're talking about! These sandals are clearly mine." Agwe said. He snapped his fingers, and in a flash the black sandals had turned bright blue.
Papa Ge seethed, "Give. Them. Back!" he flew over and snatched the sandals from Agwe's grasp, and they returned to their jet-black color as soon as they touched his hands.

Besides these few things, the story itself is actually quite interesting! I'm looking forward to seeing how you move this story along.

Desktop Mode . Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service