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5/18/2013 c1 15AngeliqueRox
I've read all of your other stories, and they're all really good except for one thing: the characters' dialogue is all smushed together.
This is how two characters speaking should look like:
"Hey Joe, you wanna go to the theaters with me?" asked Sally.
"Nah," he replied. "Maybe next week when I'm not so busy."
"Oh." Sally tried to hide her disappointment. "Yeah, I guess next week will be okay."

You always start a new paragraph when a new person is speaking. Also, whenever the subjec of whatever you're talking about changes.
Example:
Peanut butter and jelly is really good. The thing I like about it is that it has been my favorite sandwich since my childhood, and my mom gave it to me everyday when I came home from school.
The thing I don't like about some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches is they either put too much jelly or too much peanut butter. Only my mom and I can make it perfect, which is why I never eat any other pb&j then my family's.

I bet you ten virtual dollars that if you fix up your paragraph problem that you'll get more reviews. Keep up the good work with choice of words and story content though:)

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