for A Demon in the Shadows7/24/2013 c4 Guak
It looks like you just used google translate cause alot of sentences are just built wrong. But epic story and wish i could read spanish. GL and hope you get a beta that can help you with the grammat and if that happens i would love to read the rest. No flaming just one random dudes opinion. ;) peaze
It looks like you just used google translate cause alot of sentences are just built wrong. But epic story and wish i could read spanish. GL and hope you get a beta that can help you with the grammat and if that happens i would love to read the rest. No flaming just one random dudes opinion. ;) peaze
7/24/2013 c7 DemonAndAGun
For a translated story, this is very good, better than most American fanfic writers who use English as a first language, so don't go knocking your own skills, yes there are some grammatical errors but considering you used a translator they're easy to ignore, translators never work right, and your grammatical errors are mild at most, this story is very well written. Your plot is unique, Minato's hatred of Naruto wasn't something ridiculous like some devious scheme, it was simply fear, he lost his wife and saw Naruto encompassed in the Nine-Tails chakra, not like he ignored Naruto to focus on the training of a sibling.
I'm glad you're adding Kushina to the harem, but I'm curious, you said the relationship will be slow to develop and she'll be added to the harem in Shippuden, does that mean she'll actually physically come back before Shippuden and start building her relationship with Naruto, or will she not come back until Shippuden? Personally I think you should bring her back before, have her get close to Naruto during the three year time-skip, and then have them a couple in Shippuden, otherwise they won't become a couple until the end of the story at which point they'll be embroiled in war making it impossible to write any real romance between them. While you're at it you should have him resurrect Mikoto, if for nothing more than to piss off Danzo, Minato, and Sasuke.
I love the way Naruto is depicted in this story, you didn't make him broody or evil, more cynical and jaded than anything, and that's unique, as I said before other stories like this they turn Naruto into a murderous psychopath who kills everyone for the actions of one man, or they make him act like an emo like an Uchiha, but your version of Naruto is only targeting those who wronged him and shows enough maturity as well as intelligence to realize not everyone deserves to die, and I like that. I liked the interaction between him and Neji, he's not manipulating anyone with the intentions of stabbing them in the back in the end, instead he is simply swaying them to his side by telling them the truth that the Hokage kept from them, that makes him a good leader and will go far when it comes to him turning on the village, unlike other stories where he does so much backstabbing he ends up fighting everyone, and that's just stupid.
Anyways, I'm enjoying this story a lot and will continue to follow it regularly.
For a translated story, this is very good, better than most American fanfic writers who use English as a first language, so don't go knocking your own skills, yes there are some grammatical errors but considering you used a translator they're easy to ignore, translators never work right, and your grammatical errors are mild at most, this story is very well written. Your plot is unique, Minato's hatred of Naruto wasn't something ridiculous like some devious scheme, it was simply fear, he lost his wife and saw Naruto encompassed in the Nine-Tails chakra, not like he ignored Naruto to focus on the training of a sibling.
I'm glad you're adding Kushina to the harem, but I'm curious, you said the relationship will be slow to develop and she'll be added to the harem in Shippuden, does that mean she'll actually physically come back before Shippuden and start building her relationship with Naruto, or will she not come back until Shippuden? Personally I think you should bring her back before, have her get close to Naruto during the three year time-skip, and then have them a couple in Shippuden, otherwise they won't become a couple until the end of the story at which point they'll be embroiled in war making it impossible to write any real romance between them. While you're at it you should have him resurrect Mikoto, if for nothing more than to piss off Danzo, Minato, and Sasuke.
I love the way Naruto is depicted in this story, you didn't make him broody or evil, more cynical and jaded than anything, and that's unique, as I said before other stories like this they turn Naruto into a murderous psychopath who kills everyone for the actions of one man, or they make him act like an emo like an Uchiha, but your version of Naruto is only targeting those who wronged him and shows enough maturity as well as intelligence to realize not everyone deserves to die, and I like that. I liked the interaction between him and Neji, he's not manipulating anyone with the intentions of stabbing them in the back in the end, instead he is simply swaying them to his side by telling them the truth that the Hokage kept from them, that makes him a good leader and will go far when it comes to him turning on the village, unlike other stories where he does so much backstabbing he ends up fighting everyone, and that's just stupid.
Anyways, I'm enjoying this story a lot and will continue to follow it regularly.
7/24/2013 c4 DemonAndAGun
This is interesting, usually I hate Dark Naruto fics because most authors either make him go emo or turn him into a murderous psychopath, but you seem to have taken a different approach, yes he's dark but he seems to still retain a bit of his personality and humanity which I like, being Dark doesn't mean you have to be an asshole, there's a difference between being a douche and being dark, I'm dark but I care about those who are special to me, and I know plenty of punks who were the "Good All-American Boys" but were the biggest damn douchebags on the planet, the kind of kids that their parents brag about despite the fact the little shits should have rap sheets. I'm disappointed with him killing Mikoto, both because I like Mikoto and think she would have made a good addition to the harem, but also because to me it felt like he was doing Minato's work, you stated Minato and Danzo ordered the Uchiha clan massacre, so for Naruto to go through with it kind of makes me feel like he is their tool, even if he is following orders to avoid suspicion, he could have left her alive and made an excuse while secretly sticking it to both the blonde moron and the one-eyed monkey. I'm also a little put off with so many of the Konoha girls getting in his harem, like I said I'd much rather see Mikoto, Anko, and Yugao than Ino and Tenten, even if I do enjoy the way you've portrayed Ino, I just can't see her siding with him in the future, if she didn't betray Konoha for Sasuke in canon, I doubt she'll do it for Naruto here, Ino has too much loyalty to the village.
I'm also curious about Kushina? Will you be explaining why the Shinigami killed her instead and does Naruto know what happened yet from Kurama? Previously Naruto said he would ask about it later, I'm curious if he learned the truth yet and holds some resentment for Minato, or if Kushina's death will fuel his hatred for Konoha, also did she seal any of her chakra in him or Menma? Personally I wished she'd lived but I'm glad she's not being used in a cliche plot device to make her a piss-poor mother, that really annoys me in stories, and like I said I think she can be used to fuel Naruto's hatred for Minato, technically it's Minato's fault even if he didn't intend for it to happen, he used a seal he basically knew nothing about and sorry but I think trusting any god, more specifically the Shinigami is like trusting and inviting Hannibal Lecter over for dinner... not trustworthy at all!
Either way, I was a bit intrigued but wary of reading this story due to how other Dark Naruto stories portray Naruto, but I'm glad my misconceptions were unfounded, you've depicted Naruto as cynical and jaded as well as a bit sadistic without portraying him as truly evil, whiny, or broody, and that's rare in these fics, I hope to see more.
This is interesting, usually I hate Dark Naruto fics because most authors either make him go emo or turn him into a murderous psychopath, but you seem to have taken a different approach, yes he's dark but he seems to still retain a bit of his personality and humanity which I like, being Dark doesn't mean you have to be an asshole, there's a difference between being a douche and being dark, I'm dark but I care about those who are special to me, and I know plenty of punks who were the "Good All-American Boys" but were the biggest damn douchebags on the planet, the kind of kids that their parents brag about despite the fact the little shits should have rap sheets. I'm disappointed with him killing Mikoto, both because I like Mikoto and think she would have made a good addition to the harem, but also because to me it felt like he was doing Minato's work, you stated Minato and Danzo ordered the Uchiha clan massacre, so for Naruto to go through with it kind of makes me feel like he is their tool, even if he is following orders to avoid suspicion, he could have left her alive and made an excuse while secretly sticking it to both the blonde moron and the one-eyed monkey. I'm also a little put off with so many of the Konoha girls getting in his harem, like I said I'd much rather see Mikoto, Anko, and Yugao than Ino and Tenten, even if I do enjoy the way you've portrayed Ino, I just can't see her siding with him in the future, if she didn't betray Konoha for Sasuke in canon, I doubt she'll do it for Naruto here, Ino has too much loyalty to the village.
I'm also curious about Kushina? Will you be explaining why the Shinigami killed her instead and does Naruto know what happened yet from Kurama? Previously Naruto said he would ask about it later, I'm curious if he learned the truth yet and holds some resentment for Minato, or if Kushina's death will fuel his hatred for Konoha, also did she seal any of her chakra in him or Menma? Personally I wished she'd lived but I'm glad she's not being used in a cliche plot device to make her a piss-poor mother, that really annoys me in stories, and like I said I think she can be used to fuel Naruto's hatred for Minato, technically it's Minato's fault even if he didn't intend for it to happen, he used a seal he basically knew nothing about and sorry but I think trusting any god, more specifically the Shinigami is like trusting and inviting Hannibal Lecter over for dinner... not trustworthy at all!
Either way, I was a bit intrigued but wary of reading this story due to how other Dark Naruto stories portray Naruto, but I'm glad my misconceptions were unfounded, you've depicted Naruto as cynical and jaded as well as a bit sadistic without portraying him as truly evil, whiny, or broody, and that's rare in these fics, I hope to see more.
7/23/2013 c8 Delta3950
Shotaro and Makina Uzumaki:
Shotaro Uzumaki: age 33, bright white hair that stands up in spikes with dark sea green eyes. Light tanned skin, he stands at a modest 5'11"(I think that's right for 5 ft. 11 in.) I don't know much about how to characterize a person but personality is a bit easier. Shotaro is the older brother of Kushina Uzumaki, he is usually calm and intelligent, but will revert to his childhood rage mode if he feels he or someone near him is threatened. He enjoys spending his time reading or training and has not denied that while he does like reading the Icha Icha books he tears out the smut scenes anytime he comes across them preferring the story line more. His hair is white due to a genetic defect that bleached all the pigments in his hair. He along with his younger cousin Makina were instructed by the leader of Uzu to flee the village and head to Hi no Kuni in an attempt to not only escape the war but to start a new.
Makina Uzumaki: age 30 with light creamy skin, she stands at a polite 5'8" with long fiery red hair and bright violet eyes. Her bust is 44 E, and will more than likely punch a guys lights out if she catches them staring at her(perverts beware she has an extrasensory skill for you). Makina is Kushina's cousin, she seems to be an air head, a mask she uses as a cover to get close to people in order to determine if they are a threat to her or not, in actuality Makina is a bright young woman who spends her time pranking, training, and incinerating a certain series of Orange books. If she or Shotaro ever learned that Kushina Uzumaki was taken to Konoha and had a son who was abused she'd more than likely slaughter all who did it while permanently sealing off the chakra of any shinobi that wronged them.
There back ground is the same, the Leader of Uzu escorted them to the Ports of Nami no Kuni where they were to be raised in seclusion as best as possible, making sure that they had original copies of all of their knowledge from Taijutsu, and Kenjutsu styles, to books on Ninjutsu and Fuinjutsu, as well as different chakra control exercises, plus one incomplete book on Ying/Yang release. Once they'd mastered their respective arts they decide to make a special book that responds to a person's chakra signature(a blue wave, a yellow bolt of lightning, a red ball of fire, brown mountain, and green tornado) or if they have dual or multiple elements a combination of them(I'll be the first to admit that this isn't as accurate in terms of elemental potency but it's still a damn good idea nonetheless). Don't know if you want to go into depth for sub and tertiary elements or not my suggestion don't, but it would be a good idea at the same time.
In terms of skills Shotaro is a master in Kenjutsu, Ninjutsu, and high Jounin in Tai and Fuinjutsu. Makina is the opposite being a Master in Taijutsu and Fuinjutsu while being Jounin in Kenjutsu and Ninjutsu. When it comes to speed they are comparable to Maito Gai with his weights off(assuming he uses weights). There Moniker's in the Bingo Books are Crimson Demon, and Bloody Phantom both are High A Rank.
Shotaro and Makina Uzumaki:
Shotaro Uzumaki: age 33, bright white hair that stands up in spikes with dark sea green eyes. Light tanned skin, he stands at a modest 5'11"(I think that's right for 5 ft. 11 in.) I don't know much about how to characterize a person but personality is a bit easier. Shotaro is the older brother of Kushina Uzumaki, he is usually calm and intelligent, but will revert to his childhood rage mode if he feels he or someone near him is threatened. He enjoys spending his time reading or training and has not denied that while he does like reading the Icha Icha books he tears out the smut scenes anytime he comes across them preferring the story line more. His hair is white due to a genetic defect that bleached all the pigments in his hair. He along with his younger cousin Makina were instructed by the leader of Uzu to flee the village and head to Hi no Kuni in an attempt to not only escape the war but to start a new.
Makina Uzumaki: age 30 with light creamy skin, she stands at a polite 5'8" with long fiery red hair and bright violet eyes. Her bust is 44 E, and will more than likely punch a guys lights out if she catches them staring at her(perverts beware she has an extrasensory skill for you). Makina is Kushina's cousin, she seems to be an air head, a mask she uses as a cover to get close to people in order to determine if they are a threat to her or not, in actuality Makina is a bright young woman who spends her time pranking, training, and incinerating a certain series of Orange books. If she or Shotaro ever learned that Kushina Uzumaki was taken to Konoha and had a son who was abused she'd more than likely slaughter all who did it while permanently sealing off the chakra of any shinobi that wronged them.
There back ground is the same, the Leader of Uzu escorted them to the Ports of Nami no Kuni where they were to be raised in seclusion as best as possible, making sure that they had original copies of all of their knowledge from Taijutsu, and Kenjutsu styles, to books on Ninjutsu and Fuinjutsu, as well as different chakra control exercises, plus one incomplete book on Ying/Yang release. Once they'd mastered their respective arts they decide to make a special book that responds to a person's chakra signature(a blue wave, a yellow bolt of lightning, a red ball of fire, brown mountain, and green tornado) or if they have dual or multiple elements a combination of them(I'll be the first to admit that this isn't as accurate in terms of elemental potency but it's still a damn good idea nonetheless). Don't know if you want to go into depth for sub and tertiary elements or not my suggestion don't, but it would be a good idea at the same time.
In terms of skills Shotaro is a master in Kenjutsu, Ninjutsu, and high Jounin in Tai and Fuinjutsu. Makina is the opposite being a Master in Taijutsu and Fuinjutsu while being Jounin in Kenjutsu and Ninjutsu. When it comes to speed they are comparable to Maito Gai with his weights off(assuming he uses weights). There Moniker's in the Bingo Books are Crimson Demon, and Bloody Phantom both are High A Rank.
7/23/2013 c1 
7luffyxrobin-luffyxnami
get rid of that beta reader, he/she obviously doesnt speak the english language and shldnt b beta reading your story.
7luffyxrobin-luffyxnamiget rid of that beta reader, he/she obviously doesnt speak the english language and shldnt b beta reading your story.
7/20/2013 c7 NarutoRikudou16
keep updating!
I like how naruto hate minato and minato's reflection in naruto's life
keep updating!
I like how naruto hate minato and minato's reflection in naruto's life
7/14/2013 c3 LuBu081
I'm gonna be honest. Brutally honest, in fact. Your story is awesome. I love the plot, but your grammar is very inconsistent. Sometimes it's good, but other times it is very disgusting and ruins the whole experience. Please find some way/someone to fix this.
I'm gonna be honest. Brutally honest, in fact. Your story is awesome. I love the plot, but your grammar is very inconsistent. Sometimes it's good, but other times it is very disgusting and ruins the whole experience. Please find some way/someone to fix this.
7/8/2013 c5 1Xnekochix
A good story and i don't mind some three/foursome but i don't like yuri only. So see ya next chapter.
1XnekochixA good story and i don't mind some three/foursome but i don't like yuri only. So see ya next chapter.
7/8/2013 c7 decius23
BAM! IncestNoGo
I'm out!
Good luck with your story!
BAM! IncestNoGo
I'm out!
Good luck with your story!
7/8/2013 c7 boredrandom
thanks for the update its an awesome fic.
also is kurenai going to be in the harem?
thanks for the update its an awesome fic.
also is kurenai going to be in the harem?