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for The fish that cried Zim

9/13/2015 c2 Insert name here
So Dib becomes Darwin from TAWOG. Cool.
5/30/2013 c1 23chibiqueen01
*gives tacos*
5/30/2013 c3 13TallestCora
*Laughs* Weird story and funny end!
5/28/2013 c3 2Gillsandsundry
That was a whole lot better! I actually chuckled a few times in this, you did a great job with Zim's dialogue. The idea of him making a list was hilarious, totally something Zim would do :D This actually felt a lot like an episode of the show!

If you wanted to eventually go back and rewrite the first two chapters in this style, I'm sure more people would read this and enjoy it :)

I would give you an idea for a new story, but the only one I can think of is for a story that I plan on writing myself in the future, sorry.
5/26/2013 c2 13TallestCora
*Laughs* I love this! So much funny stuff going on! *Snickers* And the Tallest had a turkey-burger! LITERALLY!
5/26/2013 c2 35ZoologyKaM
You spelled squeedleyspooch wrong. Also you're not supposed to write in script format. I've done it so it's not really a complaint. I'm just a bit disappointed to see that your idea from the goldfish didn't really end in some per-canon chaos like it could have.
5/26/2013 c1 ZoologyKaM
Okay here's the thing. What you have here is a very creative idea but your writing needs major work. First issue you should fix is that whenever a new character begins talking, you need to start a new paragraph.

"Sleep while you can DIB! Today shall be the last day anybody saw you! Mwahaha…hahaha…haaahaaahaa huhaauhaa!" Zim yelled at the sleeping Dib.

"Zim…is that you? Yes it is…why are you here huh? Huh? HUH? Security camera save this footage now!" yelled the Dib-human as he stood up from his bed.

"You saw NOTHING!" yelled Zim as he poured the same liquid he had poured over the fish. He brought out his spider legs and broke the camera and Dibs' computers for fun. Then yelled in his microphone that Gir should save him, save his master!

See? New paragraphs.
My next comment is that your story moves very fast. Which is okay for now since Zim dumping the liquid is setting up for the rest of the story but it makes your chapter very short. Short chapters often have people take one look then leave before reading it. I know I'm guilty of that and almost didn't read this.
I'd be happy to help if you need a beta reader. I think this idea you have could make a really awesome story... if it's done right.
5/26/2013 c2 2Gillsandsundry
Ok, doing better with the typos, but now you have some new issues.

When the other reviewer and I suggested you should create a new paragraph for when a different character starts talking, we (or at least I) did not mean to write the story in script format (which is different than this anyway).
What we meant was to write it in the format of storytelling used by novel and short story writers everywhere.
Example using a segment of this chapter:

Zim had tried everything to destroy that Dib-stink! He had boiled the water, crushed the fish, bored a hole through him and then GIR ate it as well. The fish-Dib just kept going on and on and on about how he will destroy Zim. How they will name his organs after him and how he will eat soup.

"Urrggaaa! GIR, try eating him again or throw it into the fire!" Zim yelled.

"Yes sir!" Gir replied, taking Dib-fish and munching on it, "Sir! The fish taste like fishy taco's!...WEENIE!"

"Haahaahaaa! Your stupid liquid has made me invincible! And visible… Your plans will be turned over to the authority! Haahaaha…." Dib exclaimed.

"What plans…I don't have any more plans…" Zim scratched his head.

Dib blew bubbles in exasperation.

See? It's really easy. Just try to write like an author from one of your favorite books or something. Also, you still need to work on your descriptive language (I took the liberty of putting some examples in my formatting example).
5/26/2013 c1 Gillsandsundry
I see you finally got the uploading to work :)

Fun ideas, and I think you did a good job capturing the outbursty, almost-random way Zim talks, but there are a ton of small mistakes in here as well as a small issue with pacing.

I know that no author can self-edit all the little typos out (I certainly can't), but you should make a good effort at trying. I found five typos in the second paragraph. Something I find useful to do is to read through your whole work at least three times super slowly, tracing with your finger or cursor, to better catch those little errors and anything that sounds a bit grammatically off or worded funny.

Something I saw repeatedly is you spelling " Dibs' " (or similar use of s' with other names) instead of " Dib's ". Essentially, instead of saying something belongs to Dib, you are saying that something belongs to multiple Dibs. Kinda amusing the first time, but it got a little disrupting to the flow of reading after a while.

Just a note to improve the overall readability of your story: try putting in a bit more descriptive language and clearer transitions between scenes. More descriptions helps to pace the story, drawing it out a bit to make it easier for the reader to follow actions and scene changes. Just small things can make a big difference. For example, instead of "they tried to shove the burger, with no success" you could say "they tried to violently shove the greasy burger, with no success."

The tip the previous reviewer gave for starting a new paragraph with each change in who's talking is also a good idea :)

Well, I hope that was helpful to you! And I look forward to seeing more stories from you in the near future :)
5/24/2013 c1 13TallestCora
*Laughs* Interesting! I'd like to see where this is going!

As for mistakes, just make sure to make a new paragraph each time a different person speaks. Otherwise it gets confusing. Other than that, this chapter uploaded well! I look forward to the next!

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