Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Practical Voodoo: Very useful at times

12/27/2014 c1 Potatoes
A FELLOW POTATO! REJOICE!
(Sorry, lol.)
You've got a nice plot running here, no major blunders in grammar-good job on that. You've got a lot of talent on your hands.
BUT!
You rushed it. The story is lacking in details and description, likely because as you were writing you wanted everything to happen right away. I get that. It used to happen to me all the time. It's easy to fix, really. Just add a few more details. For example, I'll share something I fixed in one of my first stories:

Link ran into the courtyard, calling Zelda's name. She turned around and realized that the boy from her dream had come. But something was different. He was urgent, not at all like the softspoken boy from the nightmare.
"Zelda," he said, now in front of her. "The kingdom's in danger. You've got to help me."

It's kind of fast-paced, especially since it's supposed to be a dramatic turning point. So, add some details:

Link stumbled into the courtyard, barely escaping the careful watch of the guards he had just snuck past. The gardens were a dangerous place for a kid like him, especially when a few seconds' delay could cost all of Hyrule. He managed to call out Zelda's name between irregular breaths.
She turned and gasped. Was this really... him? In her dream, she had seen a boy with a fairy and a green stone. Though she saw no fairy, and he wasn't holding the stone, she could see something in his eyes. Her prophecy had showed her such a young, innocent, and ignorant boy; however, the one in front of her seemed to know as much about the dark forces of evil as she did, and maybe even more. Whoever he was, he had to be important to the cause of stopping Ganondorf.
"Zelda," he repeated, now with a little more air in his lungs. "The kingdom's in danger. You've got to help me."

Ignoring the fact that it's a Legend of Zelda fic and you have no clue what that all was, the point is that it's easy to be descriptive, and often you don't have to change anything at all-just describe it more.
Milk that scene with Lilo and the Doctor. Really push through the emotions that the Doctor feels when he realizes Lilo knows something. Give some sort of explanation, however vague-maybe she has an extremely rare one-way sociotelepathic field or something. One-shots can't start with an unexplained mystery. Follow it through! Give it a bang! Don't take that last sentence the wrong way!
Another thing that could be improved is the TARDIS reveal. I know it seems cliche to have people gape at the TARDIS, but come on! Nani hit Stitch with a frying pan when he talked, even though she knew he was going to talk. She's overly cautious and easily startled. The TARDIS is something that would exploit her character beautifully.
I think that you have a lot of potential, so keep working and never, ever give up!
YREGAFOID
8/20/2014 c1 Guest
hahahahaa
4/20/2014 c1 51Theodore Hawkwood
Nice little idea for an adventure for Dr. Who. Love the Practical Voodoo reference from early in the film Lilo and Stitch.
8/25/2013 c1 3Gir240
Not sure what's happing but I'd like to see we're this goes
7/4/2013 c1 12Princess Unikitty
i LOVED it!

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service