for Advena3/16/2014 c7 Guest
Please update more of your intriguing, really well written story and I love Daniel and Bellatrix, especially your version of her is original and I hope maybe more chapters soon! Cross my fingers...wand.
Please update more of your intriguing, really well written story and I love Daniel and Bellatrix, especially your version of her is original and I hope maybe more chapters soon! Cross my fingers...wand.
9/8/2013 c7 
1PureAngelEyes
Fantastic story I love what you have so far an I can't wait to read more :)
1PureAngelEyesFantastic story I love what you have so far an I can't wait to read more :)
8/2/2013 c1 Guest
i love this story please continue
i love this story please continue
7/17/2013 c5 21Emerald Ashes
Glad my previous review helped, if only a little. It's nice to see some action in this chapter, although Bellatrix's punishment didn't hit home as much as I'd have liked. It was all a little too quick and detached, more a list than an experience.
I wonder if dear Bella will try going Muggle. That would certainly be interesting...
Looking forward to the next chapter.
21Emerald AshesGlad my previous review helped, if only a little. It's nice to see some action in this chapter, although Bellatrix's punishment didn't hit home as much as I'd have liked. It was all a little too quick and detached, more a list than an experience.
I wonder if dear Bella will try going Muggle. That would certainly be interesting...
Looking forward to the next chapter.
7/17/2013 c4 Emerald Ashes
I'll admit, I'm curious about this story, if only because it's a concept I haven't seen before. I want to know how this will work out, and I'm looking forward to Bellatrix's eventual reconciliation with Andromeda. I believe in honest critiques, so please just think about the following:
There is a lot of "telling" in this story without enough "showing." This improves slightly in this chapter as the main characters interact. Nevertheless, they feel very isolated. I suspect that loneliness is something of a theme, here, but Bellatrix should still be meeting with fellow Death Eaters and Lord Voldemort, occasionally. Was she specifically ordered to attack that area? If so, I expect Voldemort will call her very soon. Even a letter could provide a little spice to break up the long periods of musing. The same thing goes for Daniel. He presumably has coworkers, friends, family, or at least a few graves to visit. He has a life outside of brooding in his living room, but we won't know it until you show us.
Loneliness doesn't mean being the only person in the room. Show us how Bellatrix interacts (or fails to interact) with her allies. If she's cruel, aloof, or quietly judgmental, that could show us more about her character. How does she treat Muggleborns? Muggles who aren't her crush?
Don't be afraid to give your characters flaws. Bellatrix kills people. Don't mention it in passing. Don't brush it off. Show us. Make us flinch, but leave us hope that she will become a better person. A small act of mercy could be momentous and raise the suspicions of her fellow Death Eaters. The same goes for Daniel, maybe even more so. It's really hard to write an OC that people will care about. Is he depressed? Anti-social? Mourning a loved one? What are his quirks? Attractive, confident, and romantically interested in his pretty stalker just isn't going to cut it, if you really want to draw people in.
Also, the general writing is good, but I've got to say "At that moment, she felt lonely, realising how alone she was" seems very redundant.
Honestly, I'm sort of surprised that she ran away rather than apparating. She is a born and raised witch, after all, and I can't imagine she'll be able to hide her magic for long. Maybe she'll end up saving Daniel's life? That could certainly be one heck of scene. "Oh, honey, so I'm a witch...and my boss is trying to murder you. Could you grab my arm? Um, why are you screaming?"
Alright, this is long enough that it's starting to feel like a letter. Good luck!
I'll admit, I'm curious about this story, if only because it's a concept I haven't seen before. I want to know how this will work out, and I'm looking forward to Bellatrix's eventual reconciliation with Andromeda. I believe in honest critiques, so please just think about the following:
There is a lot of "telling" in this story without enough "showing." This improves slightly in this chapter as the main characters interact. Nevertheless, they feel very isolated. I suspect that loneliness is something of a theme, here, but Bellatrix should still be meeting with fellow Death Eaters and Lord Voldemort, occasionally. Was she specifically ordered to attack that area? If so, I expect Voldemort will call her very soon. Even a letter could provide a little spice to break up the long periods of musing. The same thing goes for Daniel. He presumably has coworkers, friends, family, or at least a few graves to visit. He has a life outside of brooding in his living room, but we won't know it until you show us.
Loneliness doesn't mean being the only person in the room. Show us how Bellatrix interacts (or fails to interact) with her allies. If she's cruel, aloof, or quietly judgmental, that could show us more about her character. How does she treat Muggleborns? Muggles who aren't her crush?
Don't be afraid to give your characters flaws. Bellatrix kills people. Don't mention it in passing. Don't brush it off. Show us. Make us flinch, but leave us hope that she will become a better person. A small act of mercy could be momentous and raise the suspicions of her fellow Death Eaters. The same goes for Daniel, maybe even more so. It's really hard to write an OC that people will care about. Is he depressed? Anti-social? Mourning a loved one? What are his quirks? Attractive, confident, and romantically interested in his pretty stalker just isn't going to cut it, if you really want to draw people in.
Also, the general writing is good, but I've got to say "At that moment, she felt lonely, realising how alone she was" seems very redundant.
Honestly, I'm sort of surprised that she ran away rather than apparating. She is a born and raised witch, after all, and I can't imagine she'll be able to hide her magic for long. Maybe she'll end up saving Daniel's life? That could certainly be one heck of scene. "Oh, honey, so I'm a witch...and my boss is trying to murder you. Could you grab my arm? Um, why are you screaming?"
Alright, this is long enough that it's starting to feel like a letter. Good luck!