for My Byakuya-Sama10/12/2013 c1 Benidate86
Well I chose this first obviously because it's the shortest. ;D well, here I go.
The premise is simple enough: A short vignette depicting Byakuya's grief and the appearance of a memento left by his wife.
How d'you do? Not bad, but not good either. The piece, confined only to presenting Byakuya's train o' thought, felt flat—one-dimensional. Exploring emotions gives you a range of opportunities. Few examples;
-Byakuya could visit her old room, go through her wardrobe and feel her old Kimono's. Sound corny? Look deeper. Just by doing this and nothing else, you would have shown just how much he longs to feel her once more. How much he remembers cradling her in his arms. Byakuya is laconic. Words are not his thing, actions are. And with him, you display the facets of his turmoil each with a separate action.
-Another suggestion would be him admiring a portrait of Hisana. Perhaps a maid was about to take it down and he refused, coolly of course.
-As for the elders wanting him to re-marry. A short scene or flashback were he rejects a bride would feel more substantive. He could just ignore the bride rather than outright refusal.
-And then there's her letter. For a motif as crucial as this, weighting should have been given to the act of Byakuya finding the note. The book should have been emphasised on before hand so that the readers pay attention to it. No just 'he picked up a random book', 'he found a note in it'. You will not stir emotion that way.
-Also when grieving we tend to be more aware of our surroundings. The coolness of the air, the scent, the taste of it, the neatness of the room etc.
In a nutshell, give the story more tangible substance, convey meaning that way, and it'll help the readers connect better.
I hope I wasn't mean or anything.
Have a nice day, Ju-chan.
Well I chose this first obviously because it's the shortest. ;D well, here I go.
The premise is simple enough: A short vignette depicting Byakuya's grief and the appearance of a memento left by his wife.
How d'you do? Not bad, but not good either. The piece, confined only to presenting Byakuya's train o' thought, felt flat—one-dimensional. Exploring emotions gives you a range of opportunities. Few examples;
-Byakuya could visit her old room, go through her wardrobe and feel her old Kimono's. Sound corny? Look deeper. Just by doing this and nothing else, you would have shown just how much he longs to feel her once more. How much he remembers cradling her in his arms. Byakuya is laconic. Words are not his thing, actions are. And with him, you display the facets of his turmoil each with a separate action.
-Another suggestion would be him admiring a portrait of Hisana. Perhaps a maid was about to take it down and he refused, coolly of course.
-As for the elders wanting him to re-marry. A short scene or flashback were he rejects a bride would feel more substantive. He could just ignore the bride rather than outright refusal.
-And then there's her letter. For a motif as crucial as this, weighting should have been given to the act of Byakuya finding the note. The book should have been emphasised on before hand so that the readers pay attention to it. No just 'he picked up a random book', 'he found a note in it'. You will not stir emotion that way.
-Also when grieving we tend to be more aware of our surroundings. The coolness of the air, the scent, the taste of it, the neatness of the room etc.
In a nutshell, give the story more tangible substance, convey meaning that way, and it'll help the readers connect better.
I hope I wasn't mean or anything.
Have a nice day, Ju-chan.
10/4/2013 c1 Guest
Great story, it'd be cool if it continued
Great story, it'd be cool if it continued
8/22/2013 c1 Runningtheworld1
YAAAAAY! YAAAAAY! YAAAAAAY! I'M GOING TO DIEEEEE...OUT OF FEEELS! WOOOOT WOOOT! DROWING IN FEELS...I'M DROWNING IN FEEEEEEELS!
Damn it, I'm still crying while reading this! I keep thinking about and I just break down even more :'3 Great job btw!
YAAAAAY! YAAAAAY! YAAAAAAY! I'M GOING TO DIEEEEE...OUT OF FEEELS! WOOOOT WOOOT! DROWING IN FEELS...I'M DROWNING IN FEEEEEEELS!
Damn it, I'm still crying while reading this! I keep thinking about and I just break down even more :'3 Great job btw!
8/2/2013 c1 
3sunev.31
Will continue loving Byakuya, Hisana and Byakuya are a couple that makes me nervous, cheerful, I love your writing.
3sunev.31Will continue loving Byakuya, Hisana and Byakuya are a couple that makes me nervous, cheerful, I love your writing.
7/13/2013 c1 Guest
You killed me...:-P Just kidding, wonderful story! :D
You killed me...:-P Just kidding, wonderful story! :D
7/13/2013 c1 23Makiko-maki maki
I'm not used to saw a distraught Byakuya :( but it made sense and more because of Hisana's death! :( In the end, she can gave him the consolation that he needed! ;) I like the final part :)
Take care :)
23Makiko-maki makiI'm not used to saw a distraught Byakuya :( but it made sense and more because of Hisana's death! :( In the end, she can gave him the consolation that he needed! ;) I like the final part :)
Take care :)
7/12/2013 c1 Karin Hitsugaya
You shoulda seen William's face when he read this story! HE FREAKING STARTED TO JUMP UP AND DOWN ON HIS BED! He got extra happy when he read that Faa-Chan is going to update her story :-P As for me...BYASANA BYASANA BYAAAAAAASAAANAAAAAAA! I WUV THIS STORY! I WUV IT, I WUV IT, I WUV IT! *calms down* Sorry about that! :-'D
You shoulda seen William's face when he read this story! HE FREAKING STARTED TO JUMP UP AND DOWN ON HIS BED! He got extra happy when he read that Faa-Chan is going to update her story :-P As for me...BYASANA BYASANA BYAAAAAAASAAANAAAAAAA! I WUV THIS STORY! I WUV IT, I WUV IT, I WUV IT! *calms down* Sorry about that! :-'D
7/12/2013 c1 Hitsugaya Taicho
*goes running to give you a tight hug* YOUR SUCH AN AWESOME FANFICTION FRIEEEEEND! I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOOOOOVE YOUUUUU! :-'D You did an excellent job, Jaay-Chan! Made the ByaSana feels explode inside of me!
YOU ARE THE BEST, JAAY-CHAN! Kuchiki-Fukotaic, Hisana, and Karin beat me with the stick already. They did not go easy on me...damn it! :-P I'll send ya some cake through the internet! Although I don't know what type they're getting me...eh, it's a surprise! Tell Faa-Chan I can't wait to read her new chappie! :-D Tell her I want KastuRuki...m'kay? ;-P THANK YOU SHOOO SHOOOO MUCH, JAAY-CHAN!
*goes running to give you a tight hug* YOUR SUCH AN AWESOME FANFICTION FRIEEEEEND! I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOOOOOVE YOUUUUU! :-'D You did an excellent job, Jaay-Chan! Made the ByaSana feels explode inside of me!
YOU ARE THE BEST, JAAY-CHAN! Kuchiki-Fukotaic, Hisana, and Karin beat me with the stick already. They did not go easy on me...damn it! :-P I'll send ya some cake through the internet! Although I don't know what type they're getting me...eh, it's a surprise! Tell Faa-Chan I can't wait to read her new chappie! :-D Tell her I want KastuRuki...m'kay? ;-P THANK YOU SHOOO SHOOOO MUCH, JAAY-CHAN!