for Seraphina's Helper4/24/2015 c2 
44Puella Pulchra
Continue soon please!
Did Sophie's appearance change like Jack's did when she became a spirit?
I think when Sophie meets up with the rest of the guardians they'll be really shocked but then try to figure out what happened that she died, like help her piece together her finale night as a human.
44Puella PulchraContinue soon please!
Did Sophie's appearance change like Jack's did when she became a spirit?
I think when Sophie meets up with the rest of the guardians they'll be really shocked but then try to figure out what happened that she died, like help her piece together her finale night as a human.
3/12/2014 c2 2OhMyLayla
Aaaaand, done! Okay, great job! Again! Now, just a few tips:
1- At the end of last chapter:
"I'm dead..."
Beginning of the new chapter:
"I'm died..."
So, oops?
2- Really liked the way you worked with Sophie's shock here. I don't know if you know this, but people in shock tend to focus in only one thing at time. Sophie was exactly like that.
"Must find what is going on"; "Must find the Guardians"; "Must find Jack".
Try to keep it, make it clear her mind is still a little short circuited.
3- Something is bothering me in the Wind scene. Sophie is still freaking out and just wants to know what happened with her. Then, when she sees Jack, one of the few that can help her, she stops to play with the Wind? I mean, it's totally cool. But, priorities, you know?
4- This is not a tip, just a comment. When I read "3.0480 meters" I was like: HOW MANY THOUSANDS?! And then: Ah, no, just three meters... Heh...
5- I hope you make more comments about Jamie's book, they could be really useful during the plot, like Sophie reading them secretly because she doesn't remember Pitch and what he did (IF his book is about the Guardians) and also a way for Sophie to remember her brother.
6- Be careful with the type of spirit you're molding Sophie into. Search through the myths, they have many myths that you can use as a base. I'm not saying you should copy one of those spirits, but creating something as complex as a spirit from zero is really hard, because a spirit is supposed to interact with nature and create balance.
7- I don't know if you're trying to make her Jack-a-like, but, again, careful with that. Think like this: Nature wouldn't create two winter spirits, because it would unbalance everything. Of course, if you're planning something different that this, then forget #7
8- I know I said this already, but try to drag the moment when the Guardians find out she's Sophie as much as you can.
9- Please, don't make Sophie suddenly forget all her problems because she meet one (or two, or all) Guardian(s). Of course, knowing Jack, he probably would prank her to distract her from depressing thoughts, like 'I'm dead'. Yeah, that's a depressing one...
Now, your little questions:
1) Sorry, I'm horrible with names.
2) Besides not telling him who she is? (even thought I think you should have a reason better than 'to mess with him' for that) I think it would be funnier if Sophie keeps trying to get back at Jack, but he always throw her pranks back at her. I mean, Jack has been a prankster for 300 years, that gives him the upper hand, right?
3) Oh, anything embarrassing! Like burring them in snow, or maybe putting one of them inside a snowman, with just the head out! Oh, oh! How about freezing one of bunny's tunnels when he's jumping into it?
4) Like I said before, I hope they don't recognize her (if one of them do, not telling the others to respect Sophie's wish or something). It would also be cool if the only Guardian Sophie remembers physically is Jack, because he's always in Burgess, but the others she just know because of Jamie's stories.
One last thing: Awww, you don't need to thank me! But I won't lie, seeing my name in those bold letters made my day!
2OhMyLaylaAaaaand, done! Okay, great job! Again! Now, just a few tips:
1- At the end of last chapter:
"I'm dead..."
Beginning of the new chapter:
"I'm died..."
So, oops?
2- Really liked the way you worked with Sophie's shock here. I don't know if you know this, but people in shock tend to focus in only one thing at time. Sophie was exactly like that.
"Must find what is going on"; "Must find the Guardians"; "Must find Jack".
Try to keep it, make it clear her mind is still a little short circuited.
3- Something is bothering me in the Wind scene. Sophie is still freaking out and just wants to know what happened with her. Then, when she sees Jack, one of the few that can help her, she stops to play with the Wind? I mean, it's totally cool. But, priorities, you know?
4- This is not a tip, just a comment. When I read "3.0480 meters" I was like: HOW MANY THOUSANDS?! And then: Ah, no, just three meters... Heh...
5- I hope you make more comments about Jamie's book, they could be really useful during the plot, like Sophie reading them secretly because she doesn't remember Pitch and what he did (IF his book is about the Guardians) and also a way for Sophie to remember her brother.
6- Be careful with the type of spirit you're molding Sophie into. Search through the myths, they have many myths that you can use as a base. I'm not saying you should copy one of those spirits, but creating something as complex as a spirit from zero is really hard, because a spirit is supposed to interact with nature and create balance.
7- I don't know if you're trying to make her Jack-a-like, but, again, careful with that. Think like this: Nature wouldn't create two winter spirits, because it would unbalance everything. Of course, if you're planning something different that this, then forget #7
8- I know I said this already, but try to drag the moment when the Guardians find out she's Sophie as much as you can.
9- Please, don't make Sophie suddenly forget all her problems because she meet one (or two, or all) Guardian(s). Of course, knowing Jack, he probably would prank her to distract her from depressing thoughts, like 'I'm dead'. Yeah, that's a depressing one...
Now, your little questions:
1) Sorry, I'm horrible with names.
2) Besides not telling him who she is? (even thought I think you should have a reason better than 'to mess with him' for that) I think it would be funnier if Sophie keeps trying to get back at Jack, but he always throw her pranks back at her. I mean, Jack has been a prankster for 300 years, that gives him the upper hand, right?
3) Oh, anything embarrassing! Like burring them in snow, or maybe putting one of them inside a snowman, with just the head out! Oh, oh! How about freezing one of bunny's tunnels when he's jumping into it?
4) Like I said before, I hope they don't recognize her (if one of them do, not telling the others to respect Sophie's wish or something). It would also be cool if the only Guardian Sophie remembers physically is Jack, because he's always in Burgess, but the others she just know because of Jamie's stories.
One last thing: Awww, you don't need to thank me! But I won't lie, seeing my name in those bold letters made my day!
10/14/2013 c1 Gir22459
Oh this is great please continue! .
Oh this is great please continue! .
10/13/2013 c1 8rachealninja10
The town... Milestone, or Midway, or um... Harrisburg, I guess
The gas station... Gear Head Gas
8rachealninja10The town... Milestone, or Midway, or um... Harrisburg, I guess
The gas station... Gear Head Gas
9/26/2013 c1 1Brookewyrm the Strangeling
Amazing story so far (Though it should either be 'I'm dead' or 'I've died' at the end.)! Please update!
1Brookewyrm the StrangelingAmazing story so far (Though it should either be 'I'm dead' or 'I've died' at the end.)! Please update!
9/12/2013 c1 Guest
Dude u dont gave to die to turn into a spirit
Dude u dont gave to die to turn into a spirit
8/14/2013 c1 2OhMyLayla
I like your story, I really do, but be careful with some things:
1- "I'm dead." or "I died." Please edit this. Some times we skip silly mistakes, so it's a good idea to have a grammar corrector or something like that.
2- Don't focus so much in the clothes, if you just said that she woke up in different clothes would have been enough, unless there is a important meaning.
3- " I look around and head in the direction where the sunlight seems the brightest. Because, where there is bright sunlight, there is usually a clearing."
Not really. I camp a lot with my dad and I know sunlight only helps if you want to find East/West and (if you know how to do it) tell the time.
4- While it is fine to write the character's thoughts, be careful. The meaningless things can be expressed in the narration, like:
'How strange…'
('Am I being chased?')
And others things that might run through your mind, it helps to make the reading more fluid, the 'x' should be spared for special thoughts or humor.
'I barrowed that dress from Mimi, if I don't bring her back that dress, she is going to kill me!'
Like this.
5- You don't need to say "Start/End of Flashback", not even a special line break, just use your normal line break, we will understand as long as it's in italic.
6- You should try a little more of description. Tell us about the place, about her thoughts, the people, the weather...
7- You did right in the first line
The first thing I think when I open my eyes is 'Man, that's some bright light! The sun must be up…wait, the sun!'
But then...
('well, today now')
'…wait, where are my shoes!
Can you guess what I'm talking about?
8- The less parenthesis you use, the better.
9- PLEASE don't make the "love at first sight" thing, or the "love at first sight after n years". Before love, there MUST be interaction.
Alas, it's a great idea and you have the talent, you just need the experience. I hope you didn't take the thing I said wrong, this is not a Flame, I really want to read this until it's finished.
Oh, yes, forgive any grammar mistakes, I'm Brazilian.
2OhMyLaylaI like your story, I really do, but be careful with some things:
1- "I'm dead." or "I died." Please edit this. Some times we skip silly mistakes, so it's a good idea to have a grammar corrector or something like that.
2- Don't focus so much in the clothes, if you just said that she woke up in different clothes would have been enough, unless there is a important meaning.
3- " I look around and head in the direction where the sunlight seems the brightest. Because, where there is bright sunlight, there is usually a clearing."
Not really. I camp a lot with my dad and I know sunlight only helps if you want to find East/West and (if you know how to do it) tell the time.
4- While it is fine to write the character's thoughts, be careful. The meaningless things can be expressed in the narration, like:
'How strange…'
('Am I being chased?')
And others things that might run through your mind, it helps to make the reading more fluid, the 'x' should be spared for special thoughts or humor.
'I barrowed that dress from Mimi, if I don't bring her back that dress, she is going to kill me!'
Like this.
5- You don't need to say "Start/End of Flashback", not even a special line break, just use your normal line break, we will understand as long as it's in italic.
6- You should try a little more of description. Tell us about the place, about her thoughts, the people, the weather...
7- You did right in the first line
The first thing I think when I open my eyes is 'Man, that's some bright light! The sun must be up…wait, the sun!'
But then...
('well, today now')
'…wait, where are my shoes!
Can you guess what I'm talking about?
8- The less parenthesis you use, the better.
9- PLEASE don't make the "love at first sight" thing, or the "love at first sight after n years". Before love, there MUST be interaction.
Alas, it's a great idea and you have the talent, you just need the experience. I hope you didn't take the thing I said wrong, this is not a Flame, I really want to read this until it's finished.
Oh, yes, forgive any grammar mistakes, I'm Brazilian.
7/31/2013 c1 Valentina
OMG love this.
OMG love this.
7/29/2013 c1 Frost
Gas station should be called 'The Easter Kangaroo' or the 'Frostbite Express'.
Gas station should be called 'The Easter Kangaroo' or the 'Frostbite Express'.
7/28/2013 c1 Guest
Town - Taunton?
Gas Station - Cumberland Farms (Also known as Cumbies)
Good story by the way I'm enjoying it, although the I'm died at the end kinda ruined it, but I know it was probably just a silly mistake, I do that allll the time when I write.
Town - Taunton?
Gas Station - Cumberland Farms (Also known as Cumbies)
Good story by the way I'm enjoying it, although the I'm died at the end kinda ruined it, but I know it was probably just a silly mistake, I do that allll the time when I write.
7/28/2013 c1 5LoneErebor
I love your story! And sorry, I can't think of any ideas... Just UPDATE SOON!
Savarra Aundul
5LoneEreborI love your story! And sorry, I can't think of any ideas... Just UPDATE SOON!
Savarra Aundul
7/28/2013 c1 Guest
ok ok ok that is totally a leap of faith asking the readers. um 1st 1.) Sophie's town could b called um uh this is hard um Barnes, (barnes because thats the surname of my deceased uncle who I'm related in law but he was an awesome uncle may he rest in peace)(if theres such a town then its coincidence) 2.) um um um um uh this is hard um uh Stop'n'Rob? it stinks i know and um good luck with the story its definitely unique (in a great and awesome way) can't wait 2 c what will happen next oh and i don't care if u won't use these names (i won't blame u no. 2 stinks so bad) bye
ok ok ok that is totally a leap of faith asking the readers. um 1st 1.) Sophie's town could b called um uh this is hard um Barnes, (barnes because thats the surname of my deceased uncle who I'm related in law but he was an awesome uncle may he rest in peace)(if theres such a town then its coincidence) 2.) um um um um uh this is hard um uh Stop'n'Rob? it stinks i know and um good luck with the story its definitely unique (in a great and awesome way) can't wait 2 c what will happen next oh and i don't care if u won't use these names (i won't blame u no. 2 stinks so bad) bye