for Twist of Fate7/30/2013 c1 MrTerrorist
Yes! A Touma x Harem doujin.
And you even included Konori!
Can't wait for the next chapter.
Yes! A Touma x Harem doujin.
And you even included Konori!
Can't wait for the next chapter.
7/29/2013 c1 
15Mas2009
hope it will be humor/romance/action story! don't turn it into drama or angst because it's what most writers did this past week & I'm tired of the gloomy atmosphere!
good work!
harem: Oriana T./ Laura stuart (nobody ever used her or bother to show her deep character or past)/ koori/ misaki/ fukiyose/ kurokawa S./ Kaori/ sherry/ mikoto Worst last order.
you can add: Index/hyouka/awaki/itsuwa/ Mizusu (yes MILF)/Aiho
see you!
15Mas2009hope it will be humor/romance/action story! don't turn it into drama or angst because it's what most writers did this past week & I'm tired of the gloomy atmosphere!
good work!
harem: Oriana T./ Laura stuart (nobody ever used her or bother to show her deep character or past)/ koori/ misaki/ fukiyose/ kurokawa S./ Kaori/ sherry/ mikoto Worst last order.
you can add: Index/hyouka/awaki/itsuwa/ Mizusu (yes MILF)/Aiho
see you!
7/29/2013 c1 5Phantom Dark-Knight
i finally found touma x harem, i been looking for it in M rate, and it look like it don't have it oh well better than nothing
5Phantom Dark-Knighti finally found touma x harem, i been looking for it in M rate, and it look like it don't have it oh well better than nothing
7/29/2013 c1 1rock96
The idea is OK. However, I feel that this chapter is rather bland. I can get the sequence of events easily, I give you that, but it's nearly impossible for me to imagine them. Basically, the whole chapter starting from a fight with Pyrokinesist can be cut down to action leading to another action and nothing in-between. You're telling the story, but you're not showing it. It's a problem that every writer has, so, please, take it into consideration.
Next, events themselves. You might consider foreshadowing them slightly, like making Touma ignore strange sounds nearby due to his fatigue. It helps establishing the mood and the pace. Also, I'll take some piece if you please.
"Touma moved back to see a girl with short dark hair and glasses. She was wearing a blue uniform and a green arm band. Before Touma could react she tackled him and pushed him away from the vending machine into the grass. Before he realizes what's happening the vending machine exploded sending parts everywhere."
Way too long. Four sentences for Konori tackling the poor boy down. My point is that you use too many words for action-sequences while not 'seasoning' the exposition.
Also, Misaki's appearance. It's completely out of blue. Partially, it's due to Kamijou's lack of reaction towards unexpected guest. By the way, you never mentioned that Maika had been in his room before giving her some lines. It made me lose concetration and broke the flow.
All in all, you have room for improvement. Your choice of characters is nice, but a good harem requires much attention to little details. Phew.
1rock96The idea is OK. However, I feel that this chapter is rather bland. I can get the sequence of events easily, I give you that, but it's nearly impossible for me to imagine them. Basically, the whole chapter starting from a fight with Pyrokinesist can be cut down to action leading to another action and nothing in-between. You're telling the story, but you're not showing it. It's a problem that every writer has, so, please, take it into consideration.
Next, events themselves. You might consider foreshadowing them slightly, like making Touma ignore strange sounds nearby due to his fatigue. It helps establishing the mood and the pace. Also, I'll take some piece if you please.
"Touma moved back to see a girl with short dark hair and glasses. She was wearing a blue uniform and a green arm band. Before Touma could react she tackled him and pushed him away from the vending machine into the grass. Before he realizes what's happening the vending machine exploded sending parts everywhere."
Way too long. Four sentences for Konori tackling the poor boy down. My point is that you use too many words for action-sequences while not 'seasoning' the exposition.
Also, Misaki's appearance. It's completely out of blue. Partially, it's due to Kamijou's lack of reaction towards unexpected guest. By the way, you never mentioned that Maika had been in his room before giving her some lines. It made me lose concetration and broke the flow.
All in all, you have room for improvement. Your choice of characters is nice, but a good harem requires much attention to little details. Phew.
7/29/2013 c1 9Icefriend
Well, I'm already really excited for more. Who doesn't love a Touma/Harem fic. I can't wait for the next chapter.
I would recommend putting in scene changers though. It's a little annoying to jump from place to place without them.
9IcefriendWell, I'm already really excited for more. Who doesn't love a Touma/Harem fic. I can't wait for the next chapter.
I would recommend putting in scene changers though. It's a little annoying to jump from place to place without them.
7/29/2013 c1 MoRGzY1
This was a really good first chapter, it's well written/typed and it leaves a lot of possibilities open for future chapters while still having a slight sense of suspense, over all looking forward to the next chapter and hope you update soon.
(it would be Touma who accidently becomes involved in a esper style bank robbery :) )
This was a really good first chapter, it's well written/typed and it leaves a lot of possibilities open for future chapters while still having a slight sense of suspense, over all looking forward to the next chapter and hope you update soon.
(it would be Touma who accidently becomes involved in a esper style bank robbery :) )
7/29/2013 c1 DarkGath
This is pretty good, I liked how you integrated Misaki and Seria into it. Im on the same boat as you, its pretty clear that Misaki and Seria where close to Touma at one point, which would explain the somewhat friendship/rivalry those two have with each other, since Seria is probably the closest thing to a friend Misaki has. Anyways, good story.
This is pretty good, I liked how you integrated Misaki and Seria into it. Im on the same boat as you, its pretty clear that Misaki and Seria where close to Touma at one point, which would explain the somewhat friendship/rivalry those two have with each other, since Seria is probably the closest thing to a friend Misaki has. Anyways, good story.
7/28/2013 c1 withdrawnmadness000
i enjoyed reading this. im looking forward to the
is series.
i enjoyed reading this. im looking forward to the
is series.
7/28/2013 c1 12ArmoredCoreNineBall
Your first story for the toaru-verse, eh? Well might i say your off to a good start.
Lets see how well you can do; followed.
12ArmoredCoreNineBallYour first story for the toaru-verse, eh? Well might i say your off to a good start.
Lets see how well you can do; followed.
7/28/2013 c1 Junior
I like this story so far, especially Touma's encounter with Konori. I never seen that in any of the fanfics I read; I must say I enjoyed it quite a bit. I can't wait to read the next chapter.
I like this story so far, especially Touma's encounter with Konori. I never seen that in any of the fanfics I read; I must say I enjoyed it quite a bit. I can't wait to read the next chapter.
7/28/2013 c1 3Takawai
I Read this chapter three times and i kept on forgetting to a chapter review... so I'll start now.
*Well written, maybe a tad rushed but didn't bother me
*Was slightly dialog heavy but again it didn't bother me
Positives-
*Again well written
*Very good read for my eyes
*And Enjoyable
3TakawaiI Read this chapter three times and i kept on forgetting to a chapter review... so I'll start now.
*Well written, maybe a tad rushed but didn't bother me
*Was slightly dialog heavy but again it didn't bother me
Positives-
*Again well written
*Very good read for my eyes
*And Enjoyable
7/28/2013 c1 Orcodon
Nice chapter, Love the line with "I'm usually the one who does that." Cant wait for more.
Nice chapter, Love the line with "I'm usually the one who does that." Cant wait for more.