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for The Nimbus Incident

2/10/2019 c1 2k+Hawki
-Like the intro. I don’t know if it’s intentional, but it reminds me of Zapp’s monologue at the end of his debut episode, only played straight. So, one could say that playing sci-fi tropes straight goes against Futurama, but that’s not inherently a bad thing.

-“Amy may be a friend, she may be dating…”

Slipped into present tense here.

-“…and rendevo…”

Should be “rendezvous.”

-“He probably broke there Array.”

Should be “their array.”

-“…Explorer.” replied the Squadron leader.

Should be a comma after “Explorer” rather than a full stop. This mistake is repeated more than once.

-“…of Colonial Marines…”

Colonial marines exist in the setting? I mean, obviously DOOP maintains a military of some kind, but the term really feels out of place given the ubiquity of the term with ‘Aliens’.

-Anyway, I think it’s time I provide a more general comment. Thing is, this chapter has a very severe case of tonal whiplash. I’m not talking about diverting from the tone of Futurama, because that’s what the story is selling itself as. Rather, it’s a shift in tone within the chapter itself. The first section is fairly light-hearted, but in a few thousand words at most, we’ve gone from that to bracing for impact.

-“…and out the door before Amy could finish her sentence. Amy was yelling her sentence…”

Using “sentence” in close proximity here. Makes the writing feel clunky.

-“The marines assault rifles…”

Should be an apostrophe after “marines.” Also, I notice you’ve capitalized it as “Marines” elsewhere, but here, it’s uncapitalized.

-So, anyway, very mixed on this. Again, I’m not against a Futurama story playing its setting straight, but in the scope of 3000 words, we’ve already gone from “introduction to mission” to “point where mission goes FUBAR” to the point of introducing OCs. Now, depending on the intended length of the story (which may be a moot point as this was posted in 2013), that may be fitting if it’s proportional to said length, but whatever the case, the rapid plot progression and jarring shift in tone is noticeable, and not in a good way.
3/24/2015 c1 1Jamie McCrimmon
Just as you suck me in, it ends. Please update! :D
2/14/2015 c1 2Ryan-El
PleasePleasePleasePlease! Update!
9/4/2013 c1 OrangeC
Please do more!

its great!
8/29/2013 c1 cartoonlover27
Nice so far!
8/29/2013 c1 mel
Wow, very creepy so far, can't wait to read what happens next!

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