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1/18 c29 SLAYA2750
As a whole I have enjoyed this story a lot. I think you wrote about Harry’s personal growth as an individual as well as his increasing magical abilities very well. However there were a few plot holes and to me Tonks’ decision to ‘join’ Voldemort seemed a bit random and forced. Ultimately though I think you have done a good job and should be proud of your work.
1/15 c29 1isekai-me-away
Overall, I enjoyed the story! Some criticism though: I didn't really like the epilogue considering it was wayyy to much of a happy ending and the tone didn't really fit in with the rest of the story. Also, there's a lot about Harry being an amazing fighter, but there's not a lot of fight scenes, which was a bit disappointing. Also, Harry seemed a bit... random with his relationship with the girls. With Tonks it was too sudden considering it takes a lot for Harry to open up to someone. With Hermione, it kind of seemed... incomplete? I dunno I just didn't find it really necessary to include potential romantic love if it wasn't going to be properly addressed and just forgotten about and kind of maybe there. The romance was only properly built up with Tracy, which I appreciate. There were some plot holes and things that didn't make sense, but overall I really did enjoy the interaction with the characters and how you fleshed out Harry's growth overall. It was a good read, considering I'm at the end, and I'm glad you posted this story :)
1/14 c29 17EdTheBeast
Sort of hated the epilogue. Really hated the years later. Loved the Story, but with the last chapter, you made it to real life, so hated it! A good what happened, would have made this a more fantastic story, especially since no sequel.
It is a must read!
1/14 c1 Organized Entropy
If the changes are supposed to be “gradual” as you mentioned before, I should’ve seen some sort of development in ch 5, 1/6 into the story (for reference, that’s the same ratio as the entirety of the first book of Harry Potter compared to the rest of the series). Because I didn’t I just have to assume your “development” is either badly paced or just doesn’t exist. Leaving this here for those who will try to claim I didn’t read enough to write my comprehensive reviews. Reading a sixth of the way into a story is enough to see the blatant flaws in this heavily praised fic. If you read this author, I give you my thanks for wasting not only my time but 7 years of yours. Adieu.
1/14 c5 Organized Entropy
I’m not going to waste any more time. I’m just going to summarize all my complaints. Clearly my time is more valuable than yours if “Harry Potter: twilight; harem edition” is your greatest work.
1. There’s comedy but it sucks. Just remove the comedy if you can’t write it properly. (See “Harry Potter and the champion’s champion”)
2. Harry’s training consisted of the author having the order hand it over on a platter, then not even explaining it and just saying “Harry went through training and got tired.”
3. The “romance” doesn’t exist. Harry sees tonks and immediately loves her. I’m impartial to Harry/Ginny, but at LEAST Rowling developed the relationship for 4 books before they had any sort of chemistry.
4. I can predict what Harry will do at every step. The drama is predictable and cliche.
5. Changing the story for the sake of having change. Harry didn’t have an outburst when confronted with his friends after the dementor, yet has a bigger outburst than canon against Umbridge.
6. As a result of what was mentioned in the previous statement, Harry comes off as some perfect teen drama protagonist meant to swoon 11 year olds entering puberty, and for everyone else who’s passed middle school it’s comparable to regurgitate.
7. Harry Potter is blander than bread. He’s such a boring character, so passive, never doing anything. He lets everything and everyone control him like a turd in the sewers, which is a good representation of this story.
8. This is only chapter 5 btw. You’re supposed to have basic character development in the beginning, so we can have an arc. But so far all I’m getting is “Harry the basic bitch” vibes.
9. NO CREATIVITY. You don’t have action scenes, skip over the training, and fights are just non existent. The only thing this story has going for it is the spelling and vocabulary. Something you’d expect to see in a 3rd grade English book. Which you might want to consult on the definition of foreshadowing...
10. Because clearly you CANNOT FORESHADOW FOR SHIT. See my previous post on how you fall very short from anything that can be considered “foreshadowing” and simply becomes “strongly imply”
Again, to reiterate, I am ending on CHAPTER FIVE. I simply cannot read on. In a story such as this maybe the humor could carry it, but as mentioned previously the author is subpar in that arena as well. I reinforce my disappointment in this highly acclaimed fanfiction, it doesn’t deserve 1/10 of the praise it’s gotten. Go read “I’m still here” if you want a power fantasy, you’re not going to find it in this bland piece of white bread that is this story and the protagonist.
3/10, only rated as such from decent grammar.
1/14 c29 LordRhyolith
Magnificent ending & awesome characters. Your characters were all nicely written and felt very real throughout the entire story, especially your Dumbledore and Harry.
I also liked Tonks, Narcissa, and Bellatrix. They were fleshed out quite well and I really like that Narcissa ended up as Harry's mother. Bella can be the crazy awesome aunty, Sirius the cool uncle, and Tonks... maybe a lover? idk. (Harry will end up being the lord of two houses, so maybe he needs two wives)

That said, it was a great story with some new and interesting concepts that were executed quite well. The magicks that were used were also not ridiculous and something that I can imagine to exist in cannon.

My only critique is that I was never really quite sure about Harry's exact strength during the fight at the ministry. He trained so much but ended up being... not so effective in that fight. But I guess that reasonable since he didn't have much experience in fighting people. Duels happen in controlled environments, but fights are dirty and anything can happen, etc.

Everything else was awesome! :D
(It makes me wonder how it took me so long to find this story, as I am always searching for something good to read)

Thanks for sharing your hard work with us!

PS: I especially loved how the Death Eaters were dealt with in the end.
(Yeah, I am all for exterminating these cowardly shits)
1/14 c28 LordRhyolith
Hmm, instead of simple combat, Harry won in a more... magical way.
I guess this is the most realistic way to win against Voldy. Using his Horcruxes against him.

It makes me wonder why Rowling didn't go that route. I mean, having the blood of your enemy is already quite the advantage - should be. I don't know about the blood magic of the Harry Potter world, but there are quite a lot of other worlds where an enemy can do all kind of nasty bullshite to you if that enemy were to own some of your blood.
The same should go with pieces of a soul. Curse the soul directly with a malicious curse or whatever. A lot of people have good reason to hate Voldy, and that hate could be channeled into a powerful curse and applied to the soul.
Horcruxes allow one pseudo-immortality, but they should also have severe drawbacks. If someone were to find a Horcrux, one (knowledgeable enough) should be able to manipulate the soul and affect the other pieces.

Anyway, I like how Voldy was taken care of. And that Bella ended up becoming more human, and less insane. Narcissa's fate is also awesome (I don't know how Draco ended so badly with a mother like her. Lucious must have been a real asshole).
1/14 c22 LordRhyolith
I am a bit confused atm because for me it feels like Harry is barely having a real impact on the war. He is just a bit better than cannon Harry right now - at least, that is how it feels like to me.
My first thought when Slytherin and Stella were introduced was that they will help Harry get an edge over the Death Eaters. Sure, he might not overpower Voldy right away, but at least his minions. But he isn't really shining in the fights, not like I expected.
Bella is also toying with him around, and Voldy isn't even taking him seriously. Seeing all these scenes, how did Harry survive the graveyard? ...being surrounded by dozen of Death Eaters, exhausted, tortured, wounded.
Boosting the enemies so much makes Harry's training sessions and so on feel like a waste of time. He will most like need some miracle to win.

Idk, I feel that the start of the story promised me a badass Harry, but ever since the battle for the prophecy, his power-level/badassness seems to have dropped for some reason.

Lastly, he is still too unfocused, especially if he is close to a girl he feels for. Harry acts like living proof that boys can't be just friends with girls at the moment. He has Tonks, Hermione, Tracy, Daphne, and seems to like all four of them, but can't decide which to aim for as a GF.
1/14 c3 Organized Entropy
I am the guest in the previous review. And I stand by everything I said, along with some new complaints.
1. Humor is still bland. I would’ve thought there would be some improvement with the massive word count, but now I see it’s primarily all fluff. Don’t try and make jokes when you can’t.
2. Your “foreshadowing,” is so heavy handed and blatant I hesitate to name it as such. At its core, foreshadowing is the implication and insinuation of future events hidden in the text. Having so much minuscule passages to formulate and paint the universe the writer describes, that foreshadowing is hidden. Take the grim Harry saw when he left pivet dr. During the 5th book that led up to Siri’s being an animagus. If Rowling didn’t take specific care in describing the world Harry was in, simply mentioning a black dog would be out of place, heavy handed foreshadowing. That’s what it feels like in this fic. You literally not only devoted multiple paragraphs but sectioned off text SOLELY for the “foreshadowing.” The whole point is to bring up multiple points, pieces of a puzzle, for the more intelligent readers to solve, then bringing it all together for a satisfying big picture realization. What you’ve done is thrown half the puzzle in our face, with the pieces already glued in place. Less of a foreshadowing and more of a forewarning. It’s clear why it’s your favorite and not “your most proficient.”
3. I mentioned previously how training segments are always interesting, and that I would have simply preferred Harry to learn on his own so it felt more deserved. I did not take into account you just having “training sessions” without describing them AT ALL. How lazy is that? That’s like instead of iron man taking time to create his suit, we just had expositional dialogue of iron man saying to Rodeyyeah man I made the suit it was a daunting task.” This cements more than anything your lack of creativity. You didn’t even describe the fight between tanks and Harry. I’ve seen what essentially is the book version of harry potter PORN have a fight scene more interesting thanand Harry trained and was tired” or “the room after the fight was demolished”
4. Predictable as shit. I predicted everything that was going to happen.
5. Harry once again has NO UNIQUE profile traits, which is a shame, after all he was an icon. At the very least some just take away what made him bad at fighting, but you’ve seemed to gone the route of: generic teenager. How EXITING.
6: drama is more predictable than a 3rd grade play slowed down to .25 speed. Seriously. Just change the tag to drama and romance, let people come to realize that having that tag doesn’t mean the author can utilize said themes well.

TLDR: I stand by all previous points except now I think you’re lazier and have less creativity, and don’t know the definition of foreshadowing. With all the praise I’ve seen this is such a disappointment. Will drop if this continues to not incite a SINGLE DROP of emotion from me. (Even porn incites emotion. Lust. Your story is somehow less? And even more of a waste of time)

I wouldn’t even read this as a guilty pleasure.
1/14 c2 Guest
Primary complaints:
1. Harry is still a passive bitch. Just like in the book.
2. I’d prefer if Harry actually learned this shit himself, rather then have it handed to him on a silver platter. Sure it seems like a cop-out looking at the big picture, but as long as it isn’t brushed over and it’s done right it can be an introspective sequence on the mechanics of magic in the current universe, AU or otherwise.
3. The humor. Doesn’t hit. At all. And I’m not a stoic person. “Harry Potter and the champion’s champion” by driftwood 1965 had me rolling. This humor is done... poorly. And the angst. Is VERY obvious. Harry keeps having this pity party. Makes him out to be this tragic stricken passive perfect human being.
4. Removing Harry’s “outburst” was not decisive for humanizing Harry. Now he seems like a perfect person who doesn’t want to inspire conflict. “Being the bigger man” is discontinuing a pointless argument, not being unable to incite discord. And Dumbledore canonically holds a lot back from Harry, so his top blowing off was imminent and expected. This “subverted expectations” as well as the Star Wars sequels.
Conclusion: good grammar and spelling, good storytelling short term, bad storytelling long term, lack of creativity, disinterest in any emotion above “passive”
1/13 c18 LordRhyolith
Well, my only criticism to the battle in the ministry is that Harry used stupefy on two Death Eaters.
Blast their heads away and it's two less psychopaths to deal with in the future.
Yeah, Harry isn't a killer, but he should have at least used something that permanently crippled these two.
I hoped he would get rid of all the DE that would come, but I guess it shouldn't be. It's just that I prefer the aggressive approach :D so, I am always eager to see Harry blasting the Death Eaters to bits.
1/13 c13 LordRhyolith
Turning Hogwarts into a sentient being, allowing it to actively help Harry, is quite an awesome idea.
1/13 c12 LordRhyolith
Would have been funny if Harry changes the second half of the prophecy Voldy doesn't know about into something mocking. Like...

"...and the Dark Lord needs to kiss the backsides of seven most loyal during a full moon on a Friday the 13th. Only then, he will rise to true power."

Hehehe... :P
1/13 c11 LordRhyolith
Lying to the Dark Lord about the condition of one of his Horcruxes?
Oh, that fool Lucious Malfoy won't have a happy future now. Can't wait to see what happens.
1/13 c8 LordRhyolith
Awesome!
I love stories with Salazar being a mentor.
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