for The Golden Devil2/19/2019 c6 redbaron297
In earlier chapters he was fine, he was made to realize that he was holding himself back. He overcame that threshold, and now you're saying he's back to square one?
In earlier chapters he was fine, he was made to realize that he was holding himself back. He overcame that threshold, and now you're saying he's back to square one?
1/3/2019 c21 arctusarva
I find it a bit annoying that people keep getting kidnapped, yet canon did the same thing for many of its arcs. I do hope you don't do the Diodora arc with another kidnapping though...too many kidnap arcs too close together. Anyway I love the story so far even with that complaint, so thanks for writing and I'm excited for the next chapter!(I would be annoyed if I read this a year earlier, not gonna lie! I thought you dropped this until I checked your recent story updates and the poll xD...seriously though so many of these stories got dropped even in the middle of their arcs so it wouldn't be surprising :/)
I find it a bit annoying that people keep getting kidnapped, yet canon did the same thing for many of its arcs. I do hope you don't do the Diodora arc with another kidnapping though...too many kidnap arcs too close together. Anyway I love the story so far even with that complaint, so thanks for writing and I'm excited for the next chapter!(I would be annoyed if I read this a year earlier, not gonna lie! I thought you dropped this until I checked your recent story updates and the poll xD...seriously though so many of these stories got dropped even in the middle of their arcs so it wouldn't be surprising :/)
12/28/2018 c1 NatsuSparda09828
I'm so stupid. I just realized the Fate reference and I barely saw the bottom of chapter and it's been 4 years since then
I'm so stupid. I just realized the Fate reference and I barely saw the bottom of chapter and it's been 4 years since then
12/12/2018 c21 Guest
Meh.. honestly, even if this wasn't the last chapter, I would have dropped the story with this one.
You let your main character get beaten up for keeping a secret he had no reason to tell. Rias certainly never told him -everything-, nor does Akeno, so what right do they have too need to know every single detail of his life like this? He made a friend and was helping her out, possibly recruiting her into his peerage. It was none of their business, once he deemed her a non-danger to their territory.
The fact that he just let them physically beat on him like a submissive little shit cemented what a poor character he is, and there is very little reason to want to follow him after that.
At least the Kuroka plot was original, even if it felt quite forced. This family suddenly thinking they can go against the Gremory family and even attack the Lucifer family just to get "revenge." How they throw away life after life just to get even. From a family who supposedly want to pursue strength and power, that seems completely illogical. They are basically showing their hand completely, revealing hidden research to go on a chase that will literally gain them nothing and possibly have them alienated and targeted by the entire devil community.
Then you had Mito get kidnapped AGAIN. Outside of her slight connection with Asia, that has literally been her only purpose this story. Getting taken, only for your main character to go all angry bull and power up. It's cliché, uninteresting and just not pulled off well in the first place.
While you do have some skill in writing, you have a lot of issues to work on. Thanks for posting.
Meh.. honestly, even if this wasn't the last chapter, I would have dropped the story with this one.
You let your main character get beaten up for keeping a secret he had no reason to tell. Rias certainly never told him -everything-, nor does Akeno, so what right do they have too need to know every single detail of his life like this? He made a friend and was helping her out, possibly recruiting her into his peerage. It was none of their business, once he deemed her a non-danger to their territory.
The fact that he just let them physically beat on him like a submissive little shit cemented what a poor character he is, and there is very little reason to want to follow him after that.
At least the Kuroka plot was original, even if it felt quite forced. This family suddenly thinking they can go against the Gremory family and even attack the Lucifer family just to get "revenge." How they throw away life after life just to get even. From a family who supposedly want to pursue strength and power, that seems completely illogical. They are basically showing their hand completely, revealing hidden research to go on a chase that will literally gain them nothing and possibly have them alienated and targeted by the entire devil community.
Then you had Mito get kidnapped AGAIN. Outside of her slight connection with Asia, that has literally been her only purpose this story. Getting taken, only for your main character to go all angry bull and power up. It's cliché, uninteresting and just not pulled off well in the first place.
While you do have some skill in writing, you have a lot of issues to work on. Thanks for posting.
12/12/2018 c16 Guest
Your villains are still horrid, standing still and explaining their evil plans and whatnot. And you're also still forcing the canon plot on your story despite so many things being different. It makes your whole story look like fluff, as nothing real actually changes.
My biggest issue, though, is how incredibly hollow it is relationship-wise. Him and Rias have barely interacted throughout the story, and they are supposed to be the big two. He said a few lines to Akeno, but basically didn't speak either. Koneko got a few head pats, but nothing personal. Even Arcueid, his queen, who always follows him around, have basically not had any real, personal interactions. She was allowed to suck his blood once, but we didn't even get that whole personal scene to the end, and it hasn't even been mentioned since.
There is zero relationship between him and his mother (or father), and the one with his grandmother has been entirely jesting and training. Asia just got thrown in as a little sister but didn't get interactions with him either, and his actual little sister has just had a few repeated scenes that ended in head pats. You labelled this a romance, and I can't help but laugh at how disgustingly wrong that is.
Overall, you're really, really bad at relationships and characterization so far. It feels like 80% of the story is either information dumping or standing around talking before/during/after fights and people shouting out what amazing new thing your main character did this time, as he steals scenes from canon Issei. I have zero investment in any of your relationships or characters after reading for this long (over 150k words by now), and that's a real, serious issue in a story. I'd highly suggest you train yourself on this aspect of your writing.
Your villains are still horrid, standing still and explaining their evil plans and whatnot. And you're also still forcing the canon plot on your story despite so many things being different. It makes your whole story look like fluff, as nothing real actually changes.
My biggest issue, though, is how incredibly hollow it is relationship-wise. Him and Rias have barely interacted throughout the story, and they are supposed to be the big two. He said a few lines to Akeno, but basically didn't speak either. Koneko got a few head pats, but nothing personal. Even Arcueid, his queen, who always follows him around, have basically not had any real, personal interactions. She was allowed to suck his blood once, but we didn't even get that whole personal scene to the end, and it hasn't even been mentioned since.
There is zero relationship between him and his mother (or father), and the one with his grandmother has been entirely jesting and training. Asia just got thrown in as a little sister but didn't get interactions with him either, and his actual little sister has just had a few repeated scenes that ended in head pats. You labelled this a romance, and I can't help but laugh at how disgustingly wrong that is.
Overall, you're really, really bad at relationships and characterization so far. It feels like 80% of the story is either information dumping or standing around talking before/during/after fights and people shouting out what amazing new thing your main character did this time, as he steals scenes from canon Issei. I have zero investment in any of your relationships or characters after reading for this long (over 150k words by now), and that's a real, serious issue in a story. I'd highly suggest you train yourself on this aspect of your writing.
12/11/2018 c7 Guest
One thing that doesn't make sense is.. you clearly set Kushina up to be a weak human, as Rias was able to affect her with her powers the first night after they slept together. Yet now she is a powerful granddaughter of Lucifer himself who's fully aware and in control of her powers. How do those two facts even remotely match together?
One thing that doesn't make sense is.. you clearly set Kushina up to be a weak human, as Rias was able to affect her with her powers the first night after they slept together. Yet now she is a powerful granddaughter of Lucifer himself who's fully aware and in control of her powers. How do those two facts even remotely match together?
12/11/2018 c6 Guest
Super lame direction you took that in.
Super lame direction you took that in.
12/11/2018 c5 Guest
Two things you really do poorly so far is: 1) Your antagonists/enemies are extremely simple and crude. They yell obscene things in caps and look down on everyone with zero reason for us to like any of them. They're boring. 2) You seem insistent on following canon so far, and this is troubling for the future, seeing as you've got a character that would change so much. Hopefully you go more original, or you'll end up limiting yourself and forcing the story to go places it's not meant to go.
Two things you really do poorly so far is: 1) Your antagonists/enemies are extremely simple and crude. They yell obscene things in caps and look down on everyone with zero reason for us to like any of them. They're boring. 2) You seem insistent on following canon so far, and this is troubling for the future, seeing as you've got a character that would change so much. Hopefully you go more original, or you'll end up limiting yourself and forcing the story to go places it's not meant to go.