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for The Story of Suzie: The Second Adventure

4/16/2014 c1 Angelz of Light
Wow, this is really nice. I enjoyed the story, the way you described the emotions and most of all the fact that Suzie is brought to the spotlight. She's a minor character and they aren't usually given much spotlight. I do feel a bit left out of the action though, makes me wonder if I need to read some other story before taking a look at this one. Interesting though. Jaarin seemed a bit OOC but that's just a personal thought.
2/19/2014 c3 1k+reminiscent-afterthought
While your beginning puts things into context nicely, listing all the names can drag the sentence out a little. Within that same paragraph, Marcus, Agumon and Gumdramon pop up again, so maybe you can consider presenting all the names like that as opposed to straight-out listing them. Lists aren't the most memorable things when reading prose. I can remember a list, but not what's on it when it's surrounded by more engaging prose.

[wondered whether such...Enthusiasm and liveliness] - enthusiasm should be lowercase there.

"as him and Agumon" - not sure about this, but "he and Agumon" flows off the tongue better. That sentence runs on a little too; there's two parts to it; the watch, and how Marcus feels towards Falcomon, which can be separated out. Particularly since it's a one-sentence paragraph otherwise. The paragraph below is somewhat similar, however the semicolon makes it much more reasonable. This seems to occur less later on in the chapter, so it doesn't seem to be a part of your writing style as a whole.

I like how you've kept the general scene from Savers, yet shown off the two significant changes very nicely. Gumdramon's personality being different to that of Biyomon is shown off in the first paragraph, and Suzie's additional presence a little later on. Clever way of showing the changing canon.

[Marcus wondered why Suzie was sticking her nose...] - at this point, Suzie hasn't really done anything, so I don't think that's a fair thought on Marcus' part at this point.

"She declared firmly" - lowercase she. You've done that a few times too. And here is where Suzie's involvement showcases itself; the way you've tied her previous experiences into Kristy's current ones is very interesting, particularly with all the changes Suzie has undergone since. It's almost preempting that Kristy might undergo the same sort of change as a consequence if she does stay with Gumdramon.

I really like how you approached Suzie telling her tale; instead of provide all the facts, you remove that and simply provide the elements that stand out, focusing on the reaction. Her giving cards to Kristy is also reminiscent of Ryo giving her her first card, another lovely piece of subtlety. The way you switch to humour in the end was a nice touch as well; though I think Marcus must have been really fishing for a distraction.

So the egg winds up taking a somewhat different/additional backstory than in canon. Interesting, and it does sound like something Spencer would wish for, though I can't see him doing anything to the Digiegg - unless it's like the fairies' gifts in Sleeping Beauty?

Suzie and Lopmon/Antylamon sure know a lot about the Savers world. I wonder if this is stuff they found out during their first adventure, or from Ophanimon before coming here for the second.

A nice chapter; I'm particularly interested in how Gumdramon, and Kristy retaining her partner, are going to change things. As well as Merukimon looking like he won't become an immediate antagonist in the storyline, so Gotsumon and SaberLeomon may not as well. With Kurata gone as well, I wonder who'll fill in the black hole for villains, or if King Drasil may surface early.
2/15/2014 c2 reminiscent-afterthought
[Thomas pointed to Samspon] - pointed out? I wonder if that's true though; Miki and Megumi might not be field operatives, but that doesn't mean they can't do it if the situation calls for it. Their digimon are capable of evolving all the way to Ultimate after all. The difference between Yoshino and Thomas you show here is clever too in such a few lines.

Suzie lands in the middle of DATS. Well, I suppose after mentioning only DATS aside from Hypnos, that was a given.

["Suzie?!" Everyone exclaimed] - "everyone" should be lowercase.

{yet it had opened] - opened seems like an odd word for that context.

Marcus notices her /clothes/? *giggles* Very amusing, though I guess he wouldn't be too thrown off with the aging like the others.

And even Samspon is surprised; you've got a very nice balance of character and plot, something that's very tricky to do. I'm not sure "stony" is really the word to describe him, but the qay he quickly repairs his expression is clever.

[ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!] - I wonder exactly what it was that Thomas witnessed from her.

I'm not sure it really is unethical to allow her to join, considering the problems with Kristy and Biyomon in canon. She's certainly not twelve, and unlike Suzie she didn't have any battle experience either. Unless that didn't happen in your universe?

The twist the conversation takes to Marcus' house was an interesting one. Certainly I expected an interruption of some sort, but not quite that.

[Elsewhere, Suzie...] - implies the scene before that happened at the exact same time.

[outta the sky] - sounds odd for Sarah to be speaking in slang. I don't recall her doing that in the series.

So this takes place before the whole drama with Merukimon. This should be interesting. I wonder if they'll still try to recruit Kristy.

I don't see why Sarah should be shocked Biyomon can talk, when Agumon can as well.

["Agreed," Marcus intoned] - intoned doesn't really seem to suit Marcus.

An interesting chapter. It sets the scene into canon Data Squad nicely, and a slightly different angle of Suzie is shown. And protective Marcus is always entertaining to see. I really need to watch that episode again.
2/15/2014 c1 reminiscent-afterthought
Aww, the beginning really gives this a fairytale feel. It's gorgeous, and explains things quite nicely too, particularly for the benefit of those of us who haven't read the prequel. I also love how even the minor tamers like Kenta and Kazu get mentioned; it shows you're not leaving anyone out.

[For better or worse, the state of affairs...] - the last clause, while making sense, reads somewhat oddly. I'm wondering if there should be something other than a comma there.

[is beginning for the two] - I think it's more impactful without the "for the two".

[On a few conditions," She promptly answered] - "she" should be lowercase here.

"excactly" - exactly.

[Henry decided it likely to be a pre-recorded message] - that seems to contradict the fact that a conversation is taking place and matching so perfectly; it's not quite like the pre-recorded message Gennai sent to Izzy.

[This version of Suzie Wong knew this well] - two "This" in the same sentence sound a little odd; I'd recommend changing the second to "it".

[I promise, Mum. You won't even notice I'm gone." She assured the family] - "...gone," she assured...

An interesting conversation there. I love how emotionally tangible it all was: how especially Jarrin and Mayumi are so worried about Suzie, and how Suzie is so mature about it all. I'm a little surprised there's no emotional involvement from Henry though; he doesn't have any feelings about becoming the minor character?

Time confusions. That should be interesting to keep track off. So Suzie's been back in her world for two years, but it's been ten minutes in the Data Squad world. The description of the state of the world in that state is very nicely done, particularly how fragmented it is. Works nicely to give an additional layer of effect. The bit about the psychiatric evaluation at the end is very professional and realistic; it gives that something special that sets this story apart from some more censored adventures.

[His posture was deathly still as he rose to his full height] - deathly still and rose? Those two contradict each other.

Not Marcus though? I assume he was somewhere else then, since Sampson only says for.
11/21/2013 c20 8The Keeper of Worlds
Oh, what happened to the others joining? This is going to have a massive set-up:)
11/20/2013 c19 The Keeper of Worlds
Wow, that's a really good foreboding epilogue!
11/20/2013 c18 The Keeper of Worlds
Sweet finisher!
11/20/2013 c18 NatNicole
Wow. I feel bad for the people whose families and friends died, but I'm glad things are working out. As for Lucemon, I wish he wasn't all bad. Which is why I'm gonna make him more of a grey area in my fics.
11/16/2013 c17 The Keeper of Worlds
Well, you've set up a nightmare scenario. Well done:)
11/14/2013 c16 NatNicole
YEAH! I wanna know what's gonna happen to Keenan!
11/13/2013 c16 The Keeper of Worlds
Oh boy, this will be very fun soon. Her reaction to "The Big M" was about as expected.
11/10/2013 c15 The Keeper of Worlds
Oh, that is going to be soooo much fun in that form. Suzie will freak, epically:)
11/9/2013 c14 The Keeper of Worlds
Dude, she better not be dead*deadpan stare with living shadows*. I have family her age and younger, not cool Boo-Boo. Great update drama though:)
11/9/2013 c14 4Something dictionary related
That was a rather anti-climactic end
11/7/2013 c13 Gogglegirl
This fic is really awesome!
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