for Traumatizing Turn6/11/2015 c1 Guest
XD my GOD I love this :P
XD my GOD I love this :P
7/9/2014 c1 totallynotagirl
jean...
jean...
2/16/2014 c1 
23Shadow-ying
Hot and oddly sweet.
I like this pairing but I don't think they get enough love.
Hope you do more with them in.
23Shadow-yingHot and oddly sweet.
I like this pairing but I don't think they get enough love.
Hope you do more with them in.
12/11/2013 c1 Guest
: )
: )
12/10/2013 c1 Guest
Good story, I wish it were a little longer, because it was actually very interesting.
Here take this candy *gives you a piece of candy* : )
I love Connie, make another lemon with him in it. : D
Good story, I wish it were a little longer, because it was actually very interesting.
Here take this candy *gives you a piece of candy* : )
I love Connie, make another lemon with him in it. : D
11/25/2013 c1 Adventure Span
When I first looked at the story I realized it had no reviews so I was like "I gotta change that!" Look, let me tell you a couple of things of constructive critisism to assist you further. Before anything I love the concept of your story so let's get that out of the way. So congrats on creativity. That said here is the things you should look at
First: In the VERY first sentence there is a spelling mistake "It had failed" Not "It was failed". Making a spelling mistake in the beguining of your story is LETAL. I know because I made the same mistake ;) Second, your dialogues are almost chat format. Check good fanficts and you'll see that in the dialogue is mixed with emotions an actions.
And third there are HUGE chunks of texts and then there is dialogue. That is a little jarring.
My best advise for you is to keep writting, since you are good at it, but should take a good look at popular fics and see if you can copy their style in order to see how to make your fics better :D Good luck!
When I first looked at the story I realized it had no reviews so I was like "I gotta change that!" Look, let me tell you a couple of things of constructive critisism to assist you further. Before anything I love the concept of your story so let's get that out of the way. So congrats on creativity. That said here is the things you should look at
First: In the VERY first sentence there is a spelling mistake "It had failed" Not "It was failed". Making a spelling mistake in the beguining of your story is LETAL. I know because I made the same mistake ;) Second, your dialogues are almost chat format. Check good fanficts and you'll see that in the dialogue is mixed with emotions an actions.
And third there are HUGE chunks of texts and then there is dialogue. That is a little jarring.
My best advise for you is to keep writting, since you are good at it, but should take a good look at popular fics and see if you can copy their style in order to see how to make your fics better :D Good luck!