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for I Stand Alone

5/7/2014 c2 11shadowkat678
Please start again! I really like this idea.

How about a wolf kid (not like the erasers), or a toad, or snake? There could also be kids with just powers like with Star and all them that Fang hung out with for a while. Maybe a pyro mutant, or a kid that had earth shifting powers? One that has X-Ray vision?
12/7/2013 c2 1Sulimo
Oh, I have an idea for a kid who doesn't have an ounce of avian DNA! Or, rather, not an ounce of any land-dwelling creature's DNA. Completely nautical character, here. I'll send him to you via PM!

But I'm reviewing mostly to give you advice. There are some places where your grammar needs some work - you might go back and re-read your chapters to put a period wherever you left a sentence hanging. Then there's the "there", "they're", and "their" mix-up issue; "there" indicates a place, while "they're" means "they are", and "their" means "belonging to them". I remember it like this: they're is missing an A, and their has an I (as in "me", opposite of "them"). Other than that, the only major issue I saw was the descriptions of the characters. Having your OC look into a mirror to show what they look like is really cliché, no offence; you can instead do something like this...

()()()
I ran skinny fingers through my hair, pulling and tugging at the tangled mass until a single grimy lock of golden red came free. Another thing you should know about those so-called scientists: despite their sterile halls and spotless white coats, they obviously couldn't care less about the cleanliness of their projects. Scrunching up my nose, I looked at the almost brown hair in my Vitamin-D deprived hand disdainfully. At least the grunge would never infect the violet eyes I've named myself after.
()()()

And maybe instead of listing all of the characters, you could give one or two sentences about each of them, just so the readers know where everyone is at least?

Also, though this isn't too major an edit, I'd just like to point out that when a quote is followed by a sentence indicating that a character said that quote ("-she asked", "-he exclaimed", "-she said", "-he muttered", "-she whispered", etc.), the quote should end in a comma. Like this:

()()()
"I hear voices," said the boy with fair hair and milky eyes. "Be very afraid."
()()()

And my last note was on the introduction of the Eraser. It was kind of choppy; first they're running and talking to each other, and suddenly there's an Eraser in the convo? How did they know he was an Eraser? How did he get there? Apparation?

I guess my point is this: when introducing another character suddenly, don't automatically
reveal to the audience what they are. Instead of saying *"But not just yet," said an Eraser, the biggest and ugliest of them all,* Say...:

()()()
A barking laugh echoed down the corridor, a spectre forming in the darkness. "I think not," the figure growled hoarsely, a smirk evident in their tone of voice. Out from the shadows stepped a mutt, a beastman with just enough wolf features twisted into human genes to look distinctly not human at all: an Eraser. I've always wondered if Erasers were in constant pain; from the way their bodies were, I wouldn't be surprised. I'm just happy I'm not one of them.

The leading wolf man - who, in the light, looked somewhat familiar (or at least, as familiar as a half-human half-wolf face can get) - was soon followed by a whole pack of the beasts; the sewer was blocked off. There was nowhere left to run besides the way we came.

Well crap.
()()()

My best suggestion to improve your writing would be to emulate what you see in other writers - the good ones, not the bad. I'm sure you know the basics of grammar; if you're reading a fanfic that has bad grammar, you might want to stop reading it lest you pick up that habit. Try to read fanfics that have lots of elegant descriptions and good grammar and in-character characters and stuff; it'll help you to see the different ways you can describe things without being too boring or just plain incorrect.

Remember, SHOW what's going on, don't TELL it. In the words of Anton Chekhov, "Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass."

Definitely continue this! It has lots of potential! I hope this didn't sound mean; it's supposed to be constructive criticism, so if I ever came off too strongly I apologise. I'll give you my character in about half an hour!
11/26/2013 c1 Guest
Name: Aiden Burnon
Gender: Male
Hair color: Copper Brown
Eye color: One light blue the other a dark green
Height: 6ft
Build: Muscular
Mutation: Part fish, has gills, webbed hands, adaptive eyes to see underwater
Personality: Loner
Siblings: None
Opinon: Dislikes the flock for abandoning them and doesn't talk to violet that much so doesn't really have an opinion
11/26/2013 c2 3avatargia
I liked it. Dee was pretty awesome and I liked how it played out. I think Dee not being able to fly is kinda interesting. I didn't realize there weren't any other non-avian OC's when I sent her in. You should definitely continue!
11/5/2013 c1 Guest
Rainbow (or Rain)
Girl
15
Multicolored
Multicolored
6 feet
Average
Parrot
Goes through mood swings sometimes angry, then happy, then crazy, then angry again
Dark and Light
They idolize The flock and Look up to Violet

Dark
Boy
14
Black
Black
5.6
Scrawny
Raven
Dark, gloomy, hot headed, and unsocial able. protective of his sisters
Light(his twin), and Rainbow
Don't really care

Light
Girl
14
gold
gold
5.6
skinny (but not to skinny)
Golden Eagle
Cheerful, un-breakable, funny, creative, happy, and can get anyone (Even Dark) to smile
Her twin brother Dark, and Rainbow
She wants to meet the flock and she likes violet
11/5/2013 c1 Guest
Gold
12
Black
Gold
Average
Golden Eagle
Cocky and constantly annoying scientist, erasers, ect.
None
They Hate the Flock for leaving her and look up to Violet like a Leader
11/6/2013 c1 kay.ness
Name: Fumiko

Gender: Female

Hair color: Dark brown hair that goes to her elbows with strawberry blonde tips

Eye color: Icy blue

Height: 5'8

Build (skinny, strong, scrawny etc.): Skinny

Mutation: 3% Snow owl

Personality: She is stubborn, sarcastic and reckless at times. Also is kinda impatiant. other than that she is calm, has serious trust issues as well!

Siblings: Iggy

What is there opinion on The Flock and on Violet? :
Max- She's really nice but too strict!

Fang- at first I thought he was scary, but he's ok and really quiet. I like annoying him by saying he is emo

Iggy- He's my brother and I love him. I feel bad that he's blind though, I wasn't there for him.

Nudge-She talks so much! I can barely get a word in when she talks but she is kinda annoying.

Angel-I don't like her, she tried to convince iggy that we weren't related! She may look like an angel, but in reality she's a little devil.

Gazzy- He's so cute! I love how he mimicks Max and Fangs voices to annoy them.

Violet-She's really nice but I'm not sure about her being leader. She's kinda hesitant on making decisions.

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