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for Shin Seiki Gaiden: Ningen

12/21/2013 c1 4RealRemainder
Holy crap dude! I didn't know you wrote this!

This is pretty sweet, even if a little melow for Misato...

AND I know a bit of japanese, so I can give pointers on this too! Here we go:


-misute rareta - In japanese, the verb in passive is althogheter, so "misuterareta", one word.

-kyohi sa re - Same problem a in the first verb, only in this case you used a compound verb: "kyohi suru": to abandon. So unlike the first it's two words, and also in passive past form: "kyohi sareta"

-misute - you repeated the verb... I know "abandoned" and "Forsaken" are synonimons in english, but in japanese may7be you could us "wasureru", which can also be translated as "forgotten", so "wasureterareta"

-te no naka ni ha o kyousei - Nothing wrong with the second verse except with the use of "ha". You see, "ha" is just the edge of the sword\blade\knife. "ha" means any sharp edge. Maybe you could use "katana" or "bureedo". But since this is a poem, maybe it's okay to use "ha"

-koroshi - the past form in japanese is the so called "-shita" form, so "koroshita"

-tsukura reta - same problem as in the first sentence, one verb in passive past tense, one word: "tsukurareta"

-shikashi, anata ga yatta - lol you're thinking in english, so this sentence became "you killed" or even "you did me" ... not kidding... You see in japanese, you have to make reference to the verb used, so you should just repeat the verb(in this case "return") from the previous verse: "shikashi, anata ga modoreta".

-fukuzatsudearu - the "to be" verb in japanese is the famous "desu" form. In poems and formal speach it can be "de aru", but it is still another word. So should be "fukuzatsu de aru" or "fukuzatsu desu"

-Choodo watashi ga suki - LOL once again you're thinking in english. Or maybe it was google translator that screwed you here. You see, "suki" can mean "to like", but it's To like as in "to love"... yeah so this sentence is saying "Just as I love\like you"... If you want to change it to what you meant then it should be "Choodo watashi no you ni" (the form "you ni" in japanese means "like" like that, "to be like me")

-Mi - I don't know what you typed in google translator to get this, but "for me" in japanese should be "Watashi no tame ni"(you got it right a few lines below...)

-tsuneni nani o subeki ka shitte iru - In this, "tsuneni" means more "constantly" than it means "always"(this difference seens subblte but its not, trust me), so you should use "itsumo" instead. Also the particle for knowledge is "Ga", not "ka"(ka is for questions only), so it should be "itsumo nani o subeki ga shitte iru"

-sore wa tsune ni hoka - same problem as before, "tsuneni" means more "constantly" than it means "always", use "itsumo" - "sore wa itsumo ni hoka"

- Again, I don't know what you typed in google translator to get this, but "with me" in japanese should be "Isshou ni" (or if you wanna put the whole thing, which is common only when speaking or writing formaly: "Watashi to isshou ni")

-Gaikoku hito - Um... another "thinking in english" just writing what the translator gave you. "Gaikoku hito" or "Gaikokujin" means "foreigner"... aline is "Uchuujin" or "Uchuu hito"

-irudeshou - the verb "to be" in japanese is the famous "desu" form. The form "desho" of it is a seperate word as well, so should be "iru desho"

Phew, that was long. Sorry about the grammar lesson. It's just that Japanese is a VERY diffenrent language and errors from thinking outside of it are common, and this time I had to explain the errors instead of just pointing them out. I Still had a lot of fun reading! Nice one-shot, keep up the good work!
11/27/2013 c1 2shadowrunner22
Wow that's... Wow, I'm speechless.
11/12/2013 c1 EVAFan
I liked this. If this is from Misato's POV then it was really sweet.
When are you going to update Book 2?
11/11/2013 c1 131jboy44
will Shin Seiki; Joutei no Yokai Hoshi ii be updated soon

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