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12/29/2013 c1 4BeTheHero
I like the idea of this story! Can't wait to see where you take it!
11/30/2013 c1 155Farla
Don't flip between first and second person. Second and third if you really must jump POVs.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

["Hurry up strider, we're going to be late." she says "We really shouldn't be late for Monster defense class, I heard that we're going questing today."]

Okay, so, names get capitalized, and things that aren't names don't get random capital letters stuck on them.

Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."

[Most people who pass will eventually be chosen by the queen to eventually be one of the elite strife kind that protects the kingdom. Fail and you'll be stuck in town to protect the villages. Not that it means you're a weakling, everyone in town's a strife kind, offense techniques. The healers know the breath of life. This allows them to heal the more life threatening wounds, but they might also need specific herbs. Acquiring those usually results in life threatening wounds.]

Well that sure was a muddle. You're not a weakling because everyone in town is a strife kind, offensive techniques? Somehow this has to do with the fact "the healers" (in town? in general?) have a healing spell which sometimes needs fancy herbs and sometimes doesn't, but if it does, it's apparently a waste of time because you'll usually end up needing a healing spell from getting the ingredients for a healing spell, or actively detrimental if we're talking about multiple herbs and the getting of just one part of the list is enough to "usually result" in nearly dying.

[ Rose started pestering me about the end of the year A Quest. That is very important. it decides whether or not we pass. You sigh, great another thing for you to be worried about. He needed to pass this since his brother is a prince of heart]

Good god now you're jumping through all three possible POVs within a paragraph.

[Ms. Paint an endearing and caring teacher came up to Mr. Slick & gave him what appears to be black licorice dogs. He seemed content after that.]

1) If Ms Paint could stop Slick's stabfests, Hussie probably wouldn't have been getting used as a pincushion.
2) "And" is three keystrokes. & is two. Just write the damn word.

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