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for Kujaku

3/17/2016 c9 12DemiDemon99
I hate you. (cries) Tora (continues to cry) I'll kill Natsuo!
2/23/2015 c2 Ronniemac28
12/6/2014 c1 7TheElementist
It's a good thing I read the reviews before jumping in cause as a fan of MinatoxMiya, I can't read this if it's MiyaxSeo.
10/17/2014 c14 1SpecH82T
So you winged Miya to Seo of all people, noooooooooooooooooooooo, can't read this after that, we all know how much Miya likes Seo, not at all. So I could have lived with almost anyone but him!
10/6/2014 c8 6Godric Kharg
For something that is supposed to be fated, I can't believe any of Minato's camp would allow anyone to be winged in such a manner... It seems... Incredible. You can argue fate if you want but they should be reacting to the ashikabi, or make a specific choice..

Otherwise not sure I like how this is going...
8/18/2014 c16 Animana
I do not know where you are going with this, and at times it seems a little odd, but I commend your efforts. Keep it up.
6/28/2014 c15 Adv Satoshi
i leave, the MiyaxSeo really make me leave the story, bye men.
6/26/2014 c15 vienx.001
what ?
miya become seo's ?
i thought its gonna be minato..
6/4/2014 c1 Ronniemac28
omg i freaking love homura pairings!
5/26/2014 c13 MangaMan
Interesting, I am curious to see where you are going with this.
5/2/2014 c12 ethan.lukkar
Magnificent chapter can't wait for more please update soon.
3/7/2014 c10 vienx.001
well when will miya's turn ?
and if uzume activated again will she be unwinged ?
1/27/2014 c6 22Leonidas701
Well, jumping right into the middle here with absolutely no context, I can say that this does feel like a standard chapter of plot-driven Harem series.
Each character does manage to feel slightly distinct, either by action or description, which is a hard thing to do in a series with so many characters.
I don’t really have that much to say about this, the grammar is fine, it’s nicely divided, really the only problem I have is the fanservice, like the descriptions of what they’re doing in the bath. I realize that that’s just a feature of the genre, but it doesn’t translate very well to a purely print form. It’s distracting and unnecessary, and breaks up the flow of conversation when you have to read it in between dialogue. Still, that’s really just a personal pet-peeve of mine. Overall this chapter was unremarkable, but not bad.
12/27/2013 c3 9lifesbutawalkingshadow
Review Time: Go.

So, a harem series, huh? Alas, I can’t say I’m familiar with the series, but a quick google search gave me a basic idea of what it’s about, so we’re all good on that front.

Now before I begin, I should mention that I’m being as critical and ruthless as possible, so don’t be offended.

Okay, so, I gave your previous chapters a quick flick-through. And while I can see that you do have potential, this story of yours has a number of issues that make it quite difficult to follow.

So, first of all, there are several noticeable grammatical issues that really get in the way of things. Full stops and question marks are missing (“Minato has been kidnapped”, “able to actually tell us where they are”), you misuse semi-colons (“Matsu; I.. Didn’t know they would come” should be “Matsu.. I.. I didn’t know they would come!”) and there seem to be random spaces in the text (“when you had the chance ?”). You occasionally switch between past tense (“Miya asked...”, “Musubi opened the door”) and present tense (“she broods”, “A figure stands with the light behind them”), which you really don’t want to do.

Additionally, many sentences don’t actually make sense. Take this one, for example:

“Now they’re stronger and have been even greater modified”

It just doesn’t flow. You’d probably be better off going with something like:

“Now they’re stronger, and the MBI have modified them even further.”

Or this one:

Musubi opened the door. Inside was an usual space. A bed, a sofa and a kitchen all in the smallest space she had ever seen. Musubi, walked into the bathroom.

First, I think you mean unusual. Second, the third sentence just trails off, and possibly would be better off as “it was composed of nothing but a bed, a sofa and a kitchen, all compressed into the smallest space she had ever seen.” Third, you don’t need that comma after Musubi’s name. It’s just “Musubi walked into the bathroom”.

Your dialogue also has a few problems. Not all of it, certainly, but there are just a few cases where people say things that just wouldn’t come out of the mouth of a human being. For example:

“You should not call other people things like ‘idiot’ - I am Sekirei 88, Musubi; return Minato peacefully or I will violently take him back.”

It just doesn’t work. Try saying that sentence aloud. It just sounds kind of strange.

You also occasionally misuse words. In the previous chapter, you began with “Itatakimasu !” everyone in the Inn screamed as they prepared for their breakfast”. “Screamed” is not the right word here. “Screamed” indicates that they’re afraid, or in pain. “Yelled” would be better, or “shouted”. In chapter three, you began with “Tsukiumi thought to herself before incidentally fainting”. You can’t incidentally faint. Incidentally is more like when you add something extra. (“Incidentally, you haven’t seen John around, have you? I need to pay him back.” or “It was an incidental discovery.”) It doesn’t work the way you’ve put it. I know how tempting it is to use big, fancy words ( I fall for it all the time), but you need to make absolutely sure that you know what that word means first.

Finally, it’s quite difficult to follow what’s going on at times. Your focus tends to bounce around a lot, which makes your tale harder to read.

And... I think that’s about it. Once again, please don’t be disheartened or upset about what I’ve told you. It wasn’t too long ago that I was making those same mistakes myself. Because what you’re struggling with seems to be of a primarily grammatical nature, I would seriously advise checking out The Elements of Style by William Shrunk Jr (you can find the pdf with a cursory google search), which will tell you pretty much all you need to know. Anyway, good luck, and keep improving!

12/26/2013 c1 6EagleJarl
Fair warning: I'm fandom blind on this one.

So let's see...here's what I think is happening: Homura identifies as male ('he' pronoun) but has breasts. He is a Sekirei, which sounds something like a harem member. Minato is a young man (I think), and the owner (?) of the harem. Minato needs to choose one of the Sekirei for his to lose his virginity to. He had an erotic dream about Homura and when he woke up he discovered that Homura had shared the dream with him.

If I'm on target with that, then you're doing a great job at communicating your setup. If someone with no knowledge of the fandom gets it, actual fans will find it quite vivid.

(Incidentally, instead of 'there can only be one', I would write it as 'there can be only one'. But I'm a Highlander fan, so YMMV. ;) )

A couple copyedits:

- "draped", not "drapsed"
- elipses should have three dots, not two

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