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1/11/2016 c3 Ohlivia.smith
update please this is cool
2/20/2014 c3 60Child of Mars
Just two teeny things:

I'm not sure Sulu and Kirk 'locking gazes' is a good way to emphasize their actions during the combat. They certainly wouldn't have time to stare long. Maybe it would be better to have Kirk lock eyes on the target, as if he was firing the weapon personally. Because lock does have a ferocious, hard quality to it that's good for combat, but it also means immovability. By contrast, Sulu's eyes could fly to Kirk's, because he's quick and agile and constantly alert to new changes in battle rhythm. Just a nitpick.

Also, how did Jean sleep through all that?! Lol. Don't they have red alert going?

I laughed at the stark difference in the crew: Kirk's men are moving like a machine, working together. Vader's men are hunkered down, silent, praying Vader won't just randomly kill them. Had to laugh at that. Also at how poor Bones was green. If you haven't guessed by now, he's my favorite character.

And now the Enterprise' crew of gifted teenagers joins the Rebellion! **Dances**
2/18/2014 c2 Child of Mars
For some reason, the fact that the Star Wars crew asked what beaming up was, paused after the answer, and then began flying threateningly towards them made me crack up. All this clashing technology and rules of physics is gonna be so much fun.

Very curious to see who the mysterious creature is...some sort of hibernating Sith Lord?
2/14/2014 c1 Guest
Good. Very Good
2/16/2014 c1 Child of Mars
HEEHEEHEE I BELIEVE I HAVE FOUND YOU, SIRRAH.

I've been asked to start reviewing stories, so I thought I'd take a look at yours. I found exactly what I expected...an adventure story!

I think I'll start by telling you the bad, then finish off with the good. Those are my favorite kind of reviews when I get them. So, ahem, the critiques.

I don't know what program you're typing this on, but Word Document has a spell check you'd be well advised to use. I always use mine...I always misspell ridiculous, among others. Others have called me a grammar Nazi in the past, :P, but it's a good thing to become if you plan to write stories. If good spelling creeps into your daily life, it'll become second nature to you. The only reason it's so important is because it makes it easier on your readers. Again, the spelling's not that bad. Punctuation is really important, though, because if it's done wrong it blocks off chunks and makes it difficult to read. And that's all, really. Mere mechanics. Your characters are awesome and clearly created and the plot looks to be off to an intriguing start.

So, what's good about this? Kirk. Kirk being an idiot and a ladies' man but above all a Starship captain. It was interesting how you pointed out that other officers might be jealous or view him as a spoiled upstart. That idea had never occurred to me. Judging by his attitude, too, I could already see it was the young Kirk as we know him from the Alternate Universe. I really like Jean too. Jean is definitely a character I'd be interested in knowing more about. She firmly rejects Kirk's advances and, like him, is first and foremost an officer of Starfleet. As you continue this story, I'd like to see how her way of handling things continues to clash with Kirk's, a guy who tends to fly by the seat of his pants and pull through with outrageous luck and skill. So, WRITE MORE. AND BRING ME A SHRUBBERY.

I see you've written an author's notice...perfect. Excellent. Your notice is polite and straight to the point, something your readers appreciate. And I see now you already knew most of what I've written here. That's fine. You're well on your way to becoming a prolific writer. You've got the first steps mapped out.

AAAAND I see you promised to write bi-monthly. hehehehee...most writers never stick to deadlines, so I don't see why you'd be any different. But I do take that to mean more will come, someday! I WANT MORE OF THIS STORY YOU CANNOT LEAVE YOU MUST TURN THIS CHAPTER-SPROUT INTO A MIGHTY TREE!

Awesome first job and kudos from your friendly friend. :P

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