for A Demi-Saiyan for a Familiar Rewriten!5/5/2022 c3 Reyecito
I have lots of respect for a fanfic author who is willing to go back and give a concept another try. A second draft, at least. I really like this concept, and I think it can be done very well.
First, I want to address the original story. The biggest problem is that it spent so long completely divorced from the main plot, and with plot elements that didn’t mesh neatly with the story. However, there was a running problem of poor writing which didn’t do a great job expanding on character motivations and emotions, as well as inconsistent characterization and a general lack of attention to detail.
This reboot is doing a lot better on addressing emotion and motivation. The characters actually seem to have rich internal lives! But there are still huge problems with characterization and attention to detail, and I’m sensing some potential issues with not finding inspiration within constraints.
Here’s a few things I noticed which bode poorly:
1) Colbert ignoring Gohan’s severe injuries and prioritizing the familiar ritual. Unless it’s setup for something else, it’s jarring for Colbert to be so cruel. Well, it’s jarring either way, but at least then there would be a good reason for it.
2) Despite the waffle about nerfing Gohan to not make him overpowered, Gohan is almost immediately STILL overpowered! An offhand comment that Gohan can casually scan an entire planet, especially when the Z Fighters seem to suppress their power level by default, is absolutely game-breaking. Either this is wrong, or Gohan can’t ever fight someone remotely competent by DBZ standards, possibly not even up to Master Roshi’s level. It also potentially breaks any plotline where someone goes missing or is hiding, because being able to scan the planet for suppressed power levels would imply being able to easily search a country for a specific normal power level.
2 cont) It makes sense to want to make Gohan feel alone, but there are alternatives. The density of the ambient magic, for example, could act as a fog limiting Gohans range of visibility. Or the specific magic of the familiar seal could cause problems for Gohan’s precision and sensitivity. Or Louise’s void magic acts like a ki-sensing singularity, and no other signatures read clearly while she’s nearby. Point being that there are ways to get the effect without the contradiction of making Gohan overpowered while complaining about Gohan being overpowered.
3) In chapter 2, Louise saying “I feared you wouldn’t understand me.” There’s clearly a scene missing where Louise and Colbert take Gohan to the infirmary and either comment on or notice his unusual clothing (what rags remain), and come to the conclusion that he is not from Halkeginia. Possibly, someone could be proactive and cast a translation spell on him while he sleeps so that there would be no miscommunication upon waking. Or this line could be skipped because everyone in Dragon Ball speaks the same language, even if local languages exist in addition.
4) In chapter 3, the “hellish construct” line and “Do you believe in magic?” These show a severe lack of keeping track of characters’ mental states, what they know and don’t know.
4 cont) Without knowing how extremely durable Gohan is (maybe an observation while carrying him to the infirmary that he is preternaturally dense and/or difficult to injure), Gohan’s injuries are nothing special. Were he a normal human, he could have been trampled by a horse. Louise should not be thinking something that implies awareness of Cell.
4 cont) Along the same lines, Louise lives in a world of magic, where magic is divine law. Where their Christ figure is the person who lead to human magic. Louise cannot fathom a world where magic does not exist, and would never ask “Do you believe in magic?”
4 cont) On the flip side, Gohan has not yet confirmed being on a planet other than Earth, so the breakdown seems out of place. He has confirmed that anyone who would have been at the Cell Games isn’t around, but that could mean that they died during the final explosion. Even assuming that he does come to the conclusion that he’s on another planet, Louise doesn’t know this. She has no reason to believe that sending him back would be more complicated than putting him on the right airship. She wouldn’t send him back (he is the only proof that she can do magic correctly), so it makes sense for her to refuse, but not to treat it as some impossibility. It makes no sense at this moment to imply that it’s necessary to reverse the ritual.
4 cont) Then we’re right back to Louise assuming too little knowledge from Gohan. She should assume that what a familiar is is common knowledge. And that having a familiar means she’s a mage. And that being a mage makes her a noble. Maybe she would grumble about “ignorant commoners”, or even “savages” a la Germanian non-magic nobility, but to so readily assume that Gohan knows none of this seems out of character. Hell, she should probably be offended that this commoner isn’t ready to drop everything to work for her. An in-universe kindness that I don’t think I’ve seen explored anywhere is after the summoned person mentions having a family, Louise could offer to ask her parents to have the family transferred to the Valliere territory. After all, as demonstrated with Siesta, it’s not unusual for commoners’ employment contracts to allow them to be moved like chattel. Maybe unsavory, but not unusual.
Lastly, I want to address the idea that Gohan has to be nerfed in order to make compelling or tense encounters... No. Of course not. To get broad advice, I recommend watching Hello Future Me’s video “On Writing: Magic Systems and Handling Power Escalation”, especially the bit about Jessica Jones and types of challenges.
For specific ideas in the FoZ universe, it’s important to remember how kindhearted Gohan is, and how much he wants to avoid standing out. It also wouldn’t be that hard to give him a little political savvy (canon: from book learning. fanon: from being the Ox King’s grandson), which would constrain him even more. It’s a world of magic and battles, yes, but it’s also a world of politicking and reputation and subterfuge.
For example, Gohan could reveal his powers to Louise, who then freaks out because they’re heretical and she fears an inquisition. Or maybe Gohan decides that he doesn’t want to become an agent of the crown, or that he can’t ethically favor one nation or another, and unintentionally makes things worse (like analyses of Superman 4 have pointed out against nuclear disarmament). Or maybe Gohan realizes that the mere assumption that he is an agent of Tristain would destabilize geopolitics too much. That’s still not getting into issues that can’t be solved with violence (check out Solid jj’s “Superman vs. the Economy” for a comedic example). Other more immediate disincentives, like magical deadman’s switches, could also be employed. Gohan could also be trying to avoid killing people, and as a result he would often be unable to act as aggressively as he would like (e.g. not outright destroying or toppling Foquet's golem because someone was inside). And of course, Gohan can’t be in two places at once.
I can’t blame anyone for thinking of conflict and tension in that one-dimensional power sense because that’s the one place where DBZ (and a lot of anime) fails miserably. It’s a significant shortcoming of the series and of most of the genre which we as fans don’t have to settle for. You don't need the protagonist to be physically weaker than the current antagonist to have an interesting conflict. And said conflict doesn't have to take the form of a brawl.
I still applaud the effort, and I hope that this feedback can be useful whether or not this story continues.
I have lots of respect for a fanfic author who is willing to go back and give a concept another try. A second draft, at least. I really like this concept, and I think it can be done very well.
First, I want to address the original story. The biggest problem is that it spent so long completely divorced from the main plot, and with plot elements that didn’t mesh neatly with the story. However, there was a running problem of poor writing which didn’t do a great job expanding on character motivations and emotions, as well as inconsistent characterization and a general lack of attention to detail.
This reboot is doing a lot better on addressing emotion and motivation. The characters actually seem to have rich internal lives! But there are still huge problems with characterization and attention to detail, and I’m sensing some potential issues with not finding inspiration within constraints.
Here’s a few things I noticed which bode poorly:
1) Colbert ignoring Gohan’s severe injuries and prioritizing the familiar ritual. Unless it’s setup for something else, it’s jarring for Colbert to be so cruel. Well, it’s jarring either way, but at least then there would be a good reason for it.
2) Despite the waffle about nerfing Gohan to not make him overpowered, Gohan is almost immediately STILL overpowered! An offhand comment that Gohan can casually scan an entire planet, especially when the Z Fighters seem to suppress their power level by default, is absolutely game-breaking. Either this is wrong, or Gohan can’t ever fight someone remotely competent by DBZ standards, possibly not even up to Master Roshi’s level. It also potentially breaks any plotline where someone goes missing or is hiding, because being able to scan the planet for suppressed power levels would imply being able to easily search a country for a specific normal power level.
2 cont) It makes sense to want to make Gohan feel alone, but there are alternatives. The density of the ambient magic, for example, could act as a fog limiting Gohans range of visibility. Or the specific magic of the familiar seal could cause problems for Gohan’s precision and sensitivity. Or Louise’s void magic acts like a ki-sensing singularity, and no other signatures read clearly while she’s nearby. Point being that there are ways to get the effect without the contradiction of making Gohan overpowered while complaining about Gohan being overpowered.
3) In chapter 2, Louise saying “I feared you wouldn’t understand me.” There’s clearly a scene missing where Louise and Colbert take Gohan to the infirmary and either comment on or notice his unusual clothing (what rags remain), and come to the conclusion that he is not from Halkeginia. Possibly, someone could be proactive and cast a translation spell on him while he sleeps so that there would be no miscommunication upon waking. Or this line could be skipped because everyone in Dragon Ball speaks the same language, even if local languages exist in addition.
4) In chapter 3, the “hellish construct” line and “Do you believe in magic?” These show a severe lack of keeping track of characters’ mental states, what they know and don’t know.
4 cont) Without knowing how extremely durable Gohan is (maybe an observation while carrying him to the infirmary that he is preternaturally dense and/or difficult to injure), Gohan’s injuries are nothing special. Were he a normal human, he could have been trampled by a horse. Louise should not be thinking something that implies awareness of Cell.
4 cont) Along the same lines, Louise lives in a world of magic, where magic is divine law. Where their Christ figure is the person who lead to human magic. Louise cannot fathom a world where magic does not exist, and would never ask “Do you believe in magic?”
4 cont) On the flip side, Gohan has not yet confirmed being on a planet other than Earth, so the breakdown seems out of place. He has confirmed that anyone who would have been at the Cell Games isn’t around, but that could mean that they died during the final explosion. Even assuming that he does come to the conclusion that he’s on another planet, Louise doesn’t know this. She has no reason to believe that sending him back would be more complicated than putting him on the right airship. She wouldn’t send him back (he is the only proof that she can do magic correctly), so it makes sense for her to refuse, but not to treat it as some impossibility. It makes no sense at this moment to imply that it’s necessary to reverse the ritual.
4 cont) Then we’re right back to Louise assuming too little knowledge from Gohan. She should assume that what a familiar is is common knowledge. And that having a familiar means she’s a mage. And that being a mage makes her a noble. Maybe she would grumble about “ignorant commoners”, or even “savages” a la Germanian non-magic nobility, but to so readily assume that Gohan knows none of this seems out of character. Hell, she should probably be offended that this commoner isn’t ready to drop everything to work for her. An in-universe kindness that I don’t think I’ve seen explored anywhere is after the summoned person mentions having a family, Louise could offer to ask her parents to have the family transferred to the Valliere territory. After all, as demonstrated with Siesta, it’s not unusual for commoners’ employment contracts to allow them to be moved like chattel. Maybe unsavory, but not unusual.
Lastly, I want to address the idea that Gohan has to be nerfed in order to make compelling or tense encounters... No. Of course not. To get broad advice, I recommend watching Hello Future Me’s video “On Writing: Magic Systems and Handling Power Escalation”, especially the bit about Jessica Jones and types of challenges.
For specific ideas in the FoZ universe, it’s important to remember how kindhearted Gohan is, and how much he wants to avoid standing out. It also wouldn’t be that hard to give him a little political savvy (canon: from book learning. fanon: from being the Ox King’s grandson), which would constrain him even more. It’s a world of magic and battles, yes, but it’s also a world of politicking and reputation and subterfuge.
For example, Gohan could reveal his powers to Louise, who then freaks out because they’re heretical and she fears an inquisition. Or maybe Gohan decides that he doesn’t want to become an agent of the crown, or that he can’t ethically favor one nation or another, and unintentionally makes things worse (like analyses of Superman 4 have pointed out against nuclear disarmament). Or maybe Gohan realizes that the mere assumption that he is an agent of Tristain would destabilize geopolitics too much. That’s still not getting into issues that can’t be solved with violence (check out Solid jj’s “Superman vs. the Economy” for a comedic example). Other more immediate disincentives, like magical deadman’s switches, could also be employed. Gohan could also be trying to avoid killing people, and as a result he would often be unable to act as aggressively as he would like (e.g. not outright destroying or toppling Foquet's golem because someone was inside). And of course, Gohan can’t be in two places at once.
I can’t blame anyone for thinking of conflict and tension in that one-dimensional power sense because that’s the one place where DBZ (and a lot of anime) fails miserably. It’s a significant shortcoming of the series and of most of the genre which we as fans don’t have to settle for. You don't need the protagonist to be physically weaker than the current antagonist to have an interesting conflict. And said conflict doesn't have to take the form of a brawl.
I still applaud the effort, and I hope that this feedback can be useful whether or not this story continues.
3/15/2022 c3 SeanHicks4
Interesting, might have to look at the original if I haven't before...looks like you had a RWBY cross too...
Interesting, might have to look at the original if I haven't before...looks like you had a RWBY cross too...
1/29/2019 c3 Sid89
I'm surprised to see that you are still working on this story off and on. I thought it was dead a long time ago. Did you ever manage to find a suitable beta reader to help you out? My knowledge on the Familiar of Zero is still lacking so I can't help you there. That said, I have been helping out a different author on the site for a long while now. I noticed your grammar could still use some polishing.
You actually appear to be a fan of the story I help with as well. This War of Mine. If you wanted to, I could see about getting you into our discord server and see if I could try helping out with your editing again. Using discord for communication and googledocs for editing stories is a lot more reliable than the messy way we tried interacting in the past. Just shoot me a PM if you are interested. I'd like to try giving your story another shot. We have a few writers in the server and the writing styles are varied. And the only reason I suggest discord is because it's a quick efficient means of communication.
Also ignore the hate spam you are getting. I have no clue where such hostility arose from, but advocating suicide is something only a child would have the nerve to do. I already reported a few reviewers here for those types of reviews.
If I don't hear back from ya, good luck with the story.
I'm surprised to see that you are still working on this story off and on. I thought it was dead a long time ago. Did you ever manage to find a suitable beta reader to help you out? My knowledge on the Familiar of Zero is still lacking so I can't help you there. That said, I have been helping out a different author on the site for a long while now. I noticed your grammar could still use some polishing.
You actually appear to be a fan of the story I help with as well. This War of Mine. If you wanted to, I could see about getting you into our discord server and see if I could try helping out with your editing again. Using discord for communication and googledocs for editing stories is a lot more reliable than the messy way we tried interacting in the past. Just shoot me a PM if you are interested. I'd like to try giving your story another shot. We have a few writers in the server and the writing styles are varied. And the only reason I suggest discord is because it's a quick efficient means of communication.
Also ignore the hate spam you are getting. I have no clue where such hostility arose from, but advocating suicide is something only a child would have the nerve to do. I already reported a few reviewers here for those types of reviews.
If I don't hear back from ya, good luck with the story.
11/22/2018 c1 
1Wassa110
Just stop writing stories involving Gohan. You are obviously not a good enough writer to put Gohan as he is in another setting, or creating plots that would still test Gohan(even if only mentally), nor are you a good enough wroter to capture Gohans personality. What you've got is an OC character which is similar in some ways to DBZ Gohan. Just stop. I've read plenty of stories where they put an OP character in a new setting, and still made it work. You just aren't one of them. There's no shame in it, just focus on universes that are more comparable in power.
Thanks,
Warryn.
1Wassa110Just stop writing stories involving Gohan. You are obviously not a good enough writer to put Gohan as he is in another setting, or creating plots that would still test Gohan(even if only mentally), nor are you a good enough wroter to capture Gohans personality. What you've got is an OC character which is similar in some ways to DBZ Gohan. Just stop. I've read plenty of stories where they put an OP character in a new setting, and still made it work. You just aren't one of them. There's no shame in it, just focus on universes that are more comparable in power.
Thanks,
Warryn.
10/28/2018 c3 It'sMe123
Just what we need. Another fucking Gohan fanboy story. One that isn't even well written, at that. Do us all a favor and discontinue this. It's absolute garbage
Just what we need. Another fucking Gohan fanboy story. One that isn't even well written, at that. Do us all a favor and discontinue this. It's absolute garbage
9/29/2018 c1 1Watchdog Man of Justice
It would be way better for you to go fucking kill yourself than to nerf gohan you stinking piece of shit of an author.
1Watchdog Man of JusticeIt would be way better for you to go fucking kill yourself than to nerf gohan you stinking piece of shit of an author.
7/17/2018 c3 NoahTheNerd
Interesting start, I think this fic has some good potential. My only request is that you not nerf Gohan at all. He would be able to ANNIHILATE anything he comes across in the FoZ universe.
Interesting start, I think this fic has some good potential. My only request is that you not nerf Gohan at all. He would be able to ANNIHILATE anything he comes across in the FoZ universe.
6/24/2018 c3 Guest
Advise:
1: No harem.. Gohan is not some horny pig that womanize Woman... Even if he is old enough. That is mostly Author's fantasies in to a Chracter.
2: Do Not Ignore Chracters and treat them like they never Existed. This mostly due to biased or/and lacking creativity in writing them in unique way or giving them more character development when New Chracters bonding and interacting with them or/and new events happended.
3: if a powerful character appears in the New World he or she would be careful not to much of his power to avoid Casusing historia and panic... especially if he or she is capable destroying a planet in the blink of an eye.
4: Speed... Know if Chracter want to prevent making a Scene... He or she could end the conflict in a span of second without anyone noticing what they did. Lol... look at classroom assassination regarding Koro Sensei.. He may not be fast as Dragonball Chracters but he showcase what a person like him can do with that speed when it comes to multi tasking.
Advise:
1: No harem.. Gohan is not some horny pig that womanize Woman... Even if he is old enough. That is mostly Author's fantasies in to a Chracter.
2: Do Not Ignore Chracters and treat them like they never Existed. This mostly due to biased or/and lacking creativity in writing them in unique way or giving them more character development when New Chracters bonding and interacting with them or/and new events happended.
3: if a powerful character appears in the New World he or she would be careful not to much of his power to avoid Casusing historia and panic... especially if he or she is capable destroying a planet in the blink of an eye.
4: Speed... Know if Chracter want to prevent making a Scene... He or she could end the conflict in a span of second without anyone noticing what they did. Lol... look at classroom assassination regarding Koro Sensei.. He may not be fast as Dragonball Chracters but he showcase what a person like him can do with that speed when it comes to multi tasking.
6/19/2018 c3 Guest26
Can Gohan have a harem in this rewrite or just have lemon scenes .
Can Gohan have a harem in this rewrite or just have lemon scenes .
6/19/2018 c3 Guest
You surely too your time coming up with a new chapter this time bro! I almost convinced myself that you quited. Update sooner next time Ok!
You surely too your time coming up with a new chapter this time bro! I almost convinced myself that you quited. Update sooner next time Ok!
6/15/2018 c3 Guest
Are you going to gohan to gain access to super saiyan blue and ultra instinct and which universe of 12 is the zero no tsukaima is and which is the supreme kai and god of destruction of this universe.
Are you going to gohan to gain access to super saiyan blue and ultra instinct and which universe of 12 is the zero no tsukaima is and which is the supreme kai and god of destruction of this universe.
5/21/2018 c3 Ki Magic
I hope you do not tend to drag out Gohan's injuries.. It would get Dull.. Even if He was Weakendef.. It is not going to stop him from one Shoting Everybody.
Luckily for this universe Gohan is a lover not a fighter.. He Fights if he has to or Save others.
I strongly advise that you prioritize character interaction and character development over simply trying to Sideline Gohan.
Gohan does not need to fight every battle.. What if Gohan can teach Loiuse how to defend herself..
She can not use Ki.. But She incoperste The Concept of Ki To utilize her Void Magic in Unique Ways.
But that is only if She is humble enough to let Gohan try to her and in return..
Keep in Not Everything will be Flawless. If it does Happen.. It likely it take A While before get become powerful Magic User... At leastbin her World's Standards
I hope you do not tend to drag out Gohan's injuries.. It would get Dull.. Even if He was Weakendef.. It is not going to stop him from one Shoting Everybody.
Luckily for this universe Gohan is a lover not a fighter.. He Fights if he has to or Save others.
I strongly advise that you prioritize character interaction and character development over simply trying to Sideline Gohan.
Gohan does not need to fight every battle.. What if Gohan can teach Loiuse how to defend herself..
She can not use Ki.. But She incoperste The Concept of Ki To utilize her Void Magic in Unique Ways.
But that is only if She is humble enough to let Gohan try to her and in return..
Keep in Not Everything will be Flawless. If it does Happen.. It likely it take A While before get become powerful Magic User... At leastbin her World's Standards