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for The melacholy of Shizuka Miyamoto

4/21/2017 c2 Berlioz Chaos Lord of Khorne
Kung Fu Panda quote, check, Squiggoth, check, loads of gore, check.

Liking it thus far.
9/10/2015 c7 Stone474
In a time where there is only war, why is it bad to have a lot of battles in your story?! Can't wait for the next update
3/28/2015 c7 GLORIA CONEHEAD SPACE MARINE
Just wondering, are you going to finish this? It's been quite the joyride so far.
2/20/2015 c1 Berlioz Chaos Lord of Khorne
Hmm. Interesting to say the least. Kinda reminds me of... Crap can't think of it. Curse not the Xenos live or something? They picked up a eldar child. Liking it so far. And a mediocre ranger? Crap. I mean, I play Eldar, Tau, and Space Marines in the few games I play, but I very rarely use rangers, unless I'm helping a friend with a apocalypse or something.
1/1/2015 c1 1Elder Sibling
This is too idealistic for the grimdark warhammer universe.
why the hell those Eldar care about a war orphan?
Why caroline after orphaned by xenos quickly trust these eldars? A 14 years old imperial citizen should be old enough to hate xenos due to imperial creed's indoctrination.
And most importantly WHY the hell these Eldars have Japanese names ?
It is a break of protocol, GamesWorkshop has strict rule about naming a character, so are other game developer like Blizzard entertainment. Tolkein also has strict rules about naming his characters.
Overall, this opening chapter is too odd and naïve for warhammer universe.
the only normal Eldar here is the Ranger, Aveneth. His name is also fitting for an Eldar.
12/29/2014 c1 42tsuki-llama
I’m fandom-blind here, so forgive me if I miss/misunderstand some things that most of your readers wouldn’t.

Great opening - I love Gulagg’s voice. Simple sentences, repetitive thoughts, a very dismal outlook on his life. It gives an immediate feel for what his character and world is like.

[It was the manner of which he had not expected] – I understand what you’re saying with this sentence, but at the same time it’s difficult to parse. “Had not” makes me think that this happened in the distant past; but there’s no indication that Gulagg is recounting this event from after he dies, rather than in the present like the rest of the section suggests. “The manner of which” I think is referring to “death” from the previous sentence, but that phrase should be modifying a verb, not a noun. Changing it to “It was the manner of dying which he was not expecting” or something similar would read a little better. Except, that contradicts the entire previous paragraph in which Gulagg thinks about how he *isn’t* going to die; I wouldn’t think that dying while pulling a cart would surprise him.

[And then it happened to Gulagg too and he died.] – I love the abruptness of his death, but “and then it happened” is really vague. Up until this point I was assuming that Zegg (and thus Gulagg) had just died from pulling the cart, but then we find out that it was an attack in the next paragraph. It’s surprising, but confusing; maybe move the paragraph starting [Sparkling projectiles] before [Zegg fell] would help?

I’m glad that you took the time to introduce the Eldar; a regular fan probably wouldn’t need it, but it’s brief enough that it’s not annoying exposition yet has enough info that someone like me can follow along. My only complaint is that after you listed all of the Eldar who were there, you didn’t say which one Shizuka is. I’m guessing Fire Dragon, because of her weapon (you do say it later, but earlier on would be better)? Also, you say that Aya is the youngest; because you go on to say that there are no age limits in the army, I’m guessing that she’s teenaged or younger, but you never say. “Youngest” could mean middle-aged if the rest of the group is older.

Sometimes your phrasing is a little odd: [There were Orks all plenty around. Luckily, all of them were in no condition to fight.] might be better phrased as [There were plenty of Orks around. Luckily, none of them were in any condition to fight.] There’s not really anything technically wrong with the way you wrote it, it’s just very unusual which makes it harder for the casual reader to understand.

[The picture was rewritten] – maybe use “repeated” instead? A picture can’t be rewritten, because it isn’t written in the first place.

[Shizuka began] – began what? To speak? To move?

Your action happens very abruptly. I don’t mean plot-wise, but writing-wise, if that makes any sense. [The next thing she knew, an Ork came in abruptly and smacked her with a brutal fist]. It feels very disconnected from Shizuka; she has no emotional reaction to finding the child, no reaction to hearing the Banshee, there was no lead-up to the Ork appearing. Even though you described the carnage of the village, there was nothing to indicate that there might still be Orks lurking nearby – the characters never felt afraid or worried, so I didn’t either.

As far as the events of the chapter go, I think it’s great. Good pacing, not too heavy on exposition, good mix of action and dialogue. But I felt completely unconnected from any of the characters. I don’t know who they are as people because with the minor exception of Aya, they don’t have emotional reactions to anything. Maybe that’s a trait of their race, in which case it’s even more challenging (and even more crucial) to help the reader connect. There’s a lot of telling ([But she was very curious]) and almost no showing. After Shizuka is hit by the Ork, you give a paragraph of detached description of it, then a move-by-move account of Shizuka calmly thinking about how her weapon works and deciding how best to fight the Ork; I never feel like she’s in any danger, which makes the whole scene a little pointless.

[The battle waged for another ten minutes without much excitement] – I hate to say it, but that sort of sums up the entire chapter. Things happen, but it’s just not that exciting (how can there not be excitement in a battle?). The problem is that there is no emotion – not between the characters, not in the reader, not in the writing. You asked if there is anything you can do to improve it short of rewriting it – yes and no. The events are fine: the hook is great, the elements of the plot (finding a slaughtered village, being ambushed, battling Orks) are great. You just need to convince me to care. I honestly cared more about Gulagg than I did about any of the Eldar or the little girl, because I knew who Gulagg was based on how he felt about his lot in life.

I would say that maybe it’s because most of your characters are not human – but the little girl had her parents killed in front of her, was terrified by a strange new creature, and she’s suddenly cheerful to join up with a group of strangers who aren’t even human? I have trouble relating to that because it doesn’t ring true. Likewise, based on Shizuka’s (non)reaction upon finding her, I don’t understand why she suddenly declares that the girl must go with them and is now devoting herself to caring for the girl.

SPaG:

[en mass] in the intro quote should be “en masse”.

Missing “that”s – this may just be me, but I think that there are a lot of “that”s missing from sentences that aren’t necessarily *required*, but would help the grammar look a little cleaner. For example, [he wished whoever killed him] should be [he wished that whoever had killed him]. Again, mostly a style thing.

[WHAT THE HECK IS THAT THING] – lose the caps, you don’t need them; an exclamation mark is all you need to show that he’s shouting. Also, the dialogue between the Eldar switches between very mature and very high-schooly; it makes it hard to get a good grasp on their characters.

Overall there are some missing prepositions and commas that are probably just typographical errors and that you’ll probably catch yourself in another read-through. Too many to list in the “short” review game, but if you want a second pair of eyes to help spot them, just PM me.

One problem that crops up frequently is the use of the wrong tense. If your narration is in past tense and you’re describing something that happened *before* the present action, you need to use past perfect tense: [Back on Polyzon, she *had* served on the rear echelon]. Unless it’s in dialogue, there shouldn’t be any present tense: [Beil-tan *had* no age limits].

Again, structurally I think the chapter is great; but it does need some heavy revision if you want your readers to really get emotionally invested.
12/24/2014 c7 Fuck off1
Great story:)
there is allot of war going on so allot of action witch is a very good.
I really like that the human and elder are fighting with each other instead of against each other.
I mean humans have enough enemies why add the elder...

I did need to read it a second time to fully understand what was going on but it did give me a kick to read it like it should.
ohh and what happened to caroline I really did not expect like oh crap... but that make it interesting because shizuka will probably storm in and take revenge with fury:)
I do wane see more of the elder romance but I think the blood and guts of war make up for that:)

but to put it short good story.
11/11/2014 c7 24Kamzil118
My goodness, I really want to make a COH2/40K Crossover. I love how some of the weaponry makes me want to play Company of Heroes. Got to say, I enjoy this.
11/7/2014 c3 drSpliff
Overall good fic could of done without the japanese names though you should've went along with more elf like names like gladriell Yaradelth since thats what the eldar were supposed to be. Action scenes are good and fast paced but I kind of got alittle lost between chapters. Also during the second chapter the humor should've been toned down alittle and I dont see how a eldar woman could be that concerned with the little girl and hiw motherly she was acting. Eldar are supposed to be more straight to the point and alittle on the humorless side unless your dealing with dark kin. Despite those things good fic.
11/5/2014 c7 15Heir of the void
Great story. Sorry for the Long Wait. Now for my specific thoughts.

I like the alternate setting you’ve created. I feel like there’s a whole saga in the story of how this setting came to be, but it’s interesting enough getting to see it. I like how you’ve managed to create an entire space-German culture in a relatively short period of time.

It’s also pretty interesting to read about the cooperation between Humans and (Craftworld) Eldar, which is frankly overdue. The two factions have far more in common than any others, and they have a lot to gain from working together. The Imperium needs forces or allies that can respond quickly, which the Eldar could, and the Eldar need allies that can frankly afford to take casualties.

(Rant off)

Anyway, it would appear that things have devolved into the mutli-directional brawl that is so typical of 40k. Probably only a matter of time until the ‘Crons and ‘Nids show up. I’m really enjoying the interactions between the humans and Eldar, and I think you do a good job of covenying both the alien nature and human similarity of the Eldar.

This story may be one battle after another. I see nothing wrong with this.

I loved the bit where Godoka wore Orky Bitz to use the Ork Chainsword. ‘Zots proper Okry!

Keep up the good work.
11/3/2014 c1 TAINTLORD
like all elder, they are very arrogant. and this seems interesting, I give it a follow.
10/13/2014 c7 Ernest.Shippinglane89
It's a pretty intresting AU. However having so many Eldar with asian sounding names makes it a little confusing.
10/12/2014 c7 3KINGTIGERACE
Love it though I have to reread it a few times to under stand it but over all great story so far
10/1/2014 c4 4Wayward AMP
The melancholy of Shizuka Miyamoto by BIBOTOT, Revised Version all four chapters online on date of writing.

Please check your title for a left out letter? Rhetorical Question.

Chapter 1 and original impression and thoughts:

In short I liked it, but found it a bit too reliant on WH40K insider knowledge. I would have to WIKI or rulebook-check what in example a Dark Reaper is. Such could be avoided, by adding descriptions and comments to the classifications like Warlock.

In example: „Dark Reaper Kenjiro was still checking his Rocket Launcher and Ammunition packs, when Ranger Hirohito already stared up the hill from where he could make the optimal use of his sniper rifle! The same Empire which fought the endless galactic war against Chaos to assure that millions of people could live a peaceful, civilized, and cultivated life without the horrors of war unleashed upon them.“

Such a description gives a minimal chance to readers who don't know much of WH40K to still understand your story. As even knowing Dark Reaper Veteran Sniper is much more than just wondering what a Dark Reaper is supposed to mean. ;-)

Needless to say such is a choice. You wrote exclusive WH40K fan-fiction and actually readers can do some research without dying. We authors often have to do our own, too.

The Japanese creed I liked, too. While a bit exotic as mixture of Eldar, I see no problem with it. Further topics like duty and honor had high value in Japan, and suit loyal servants of the Empire. Or its allies.

Orks. Warhammer Orcs build feces-idols of their deities, if I remember it properly? ;-) Or was that only in WH Fantasy?

Khaine, God of Murder. One of my favorite Warhammer Fantasy deities. I did not even know he is part of the WH40K universe. But that is cool, the constant alliance versus horde, ahem, I mean Empire vs Chaos, was never really entertaining for me anyway.

Format was fine until you decided to mistake plus-sign for “ on dialogues (below in the text). It is the one flaw I found obvious. First I thought I had some loading or display error.

Story-Flow: You can describe what a figure does and says, but usually it is more entertaining, when the figures are described during some action to associate with them. Especially as the 9 are a team with defined roles.

Anyhow I don't regret reading it, and intent to read more of the chapters. If I have the time to write you a real review I don't know. See my profile-LINK to Issuu on demand. My Shadowrun file has a structured self-review at the end: Self-Skellyfication.

Chapter 2:

I found the story-flow much better here. The marching song and the song at the end were too a nice idea in my opinion. Format was fully OK, means I found no mistake at all.

Chapter 3:

From Adolf Schmidt to the notion of Craddol, a new Eldar God of Order, I encourage you to resist limiting yourself too much to official sermon. RPG & Tabletops are actually open to creativity. Even though plenty of WH40K-Pseudo-Experts only know the PC games.

Chapter 4:

Khorne warriors, rang Kishinuma was with plus-signs again. I don't get it. “ ” for dialogue. Damsel in distress was funny. And the Germans, formlly Nazi Germany, had the Wehrmacht in that period of history, not the Wermatch. Otherwise it is getting bigger, much as your own notes foretold. Chapter 2 read well, but more like a roleplaying group. Nine Eldar companions. With chapters 3 and 4 we have an army-unit and the bigger war around. It conjures a greater picture and does NOT fail to remain atmospheric.

Four chapters read and I do not regret it. Even as someone who only liked “WH40K Chaos Gate”, a real oldie of the product line. I am pretty sure that when your work is finished it will be a formidable and worthy reading!

My best wishes

AMP

post skriptum

Thanks to "Disciple of Ember" for unasked corrections & making me add "Please don't make your PMs and replies seem to me, as if provoking a meeting of your face with my hammer is your one & only motive for writing them." to my profile once more.
9/30/2014 c1 Wayward AMP
The melancholy of Shizuka Miyamoto by BIBOTOT, first impression review of chapter 1 only.

Please check your title for a left out letter? Rhetorical Question.

In short I liked it, but found it a bit too reliant on WH40K insider knowledge. I would have to WIKI or rulebook-check what in example a Dark Reaper is. Such could be avoided, by adding descriptions and comments to the classifications like Warlock.

In example: „Akuzi was proud to have graduated into the Dark Reapers. Dark Reapers, one of the most respected sniper units in the Empire. The same Empire which fought the endless galactic war against Chaos to assure that millions of people could live a peaceful, civilized, and cultivated life without the horrors of war unleashed upon them.“

Such a description gives a minimal chance to readers who don't know much of WH40K to still understand your story. As even knowing Dark Reaper Veteran Sniper is much more than just wondering what a Dark Reaper is supposed to mean. ;-)

Needless to say such is a choice. You wrote exclusive WH40K fan-fiction and actually readers can do some research without dying. We authors often have to do our own, too.

The Japanese creed I liked, too. While a bit exotic as mixture of Eldar, I see no problem with it. Further topics like duty and honor have had high value in Japan, and suit loyal servants of the Empire. Or its allies.

Orcs. Warhammer Orcs build feces-idols of their deities, if I remember it properly? ;-) Or was that only in WH Fantasy?

Khaine, God of Murder. One of my favorite Warhammer Fantasy deities. I did not even know he is part of the WH40K universe. But that is cool, the constant alliance versus horde, ahem, I mean Empire vs Chaos, was never really entertaining for me anyway.

Format was fine until you decided to mistake for “ on dialogues. It is the one flaw I found obvious. First I thought I had some loading or display error.

Story-Flow: You can describe what a figure does and says, but usually it is more entertaining, when the figures are described during some action to associate with them. Especially as the 9 are a team with defined roles.

Anyhow I don't regret reading it, and intent to read more of the chapters. If I have the time to write you a real review I don't know. See my profile-LINK to Issuu on demand. My Shadowrun file has a structured self-review at the end: Self-Skellyfication.

My best wishes

AMP
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