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for Beacon Legends

4/19/2015 c10 2Cat-Soup64
Wow. I can't believe you would restart this. Those are horrible realistic excuses that would make anyone not write and you should feel ashamed. How dare you have a life and problems that don't let you attend to this fic 24/7. What are you, human? For shame.

- A Very Disappointed Fan

P.S. It's all Blake's Fault.
1/4/2015 c1 Spike Spiegel
So is Landon some type of gangster?
12/25/2014 c7 trninjakiller
Due to the events of last chapter and the flagrant slap in the face in the lore of RWBY (mainly the grimm with aj aura) I am discontinuing the reading of this story. Have a nice night. And happy holidays whichever one you celebrate.
12/25/2014 c6 trninjakiller
You should be giving laden the spotlight afterall he is the main character. Stuffing your story full of oc's and jumping from one to another's point of view is a good way to loose readers. I am not trying to be mean or anything I am just going to warn you.
12/21/2014 c1 trninjakiller
Sorry but I don't read stories with more than one main oc that the story is centered on
11/19/2014 c9 5Dr.Schadenfreude055
Sorry for a late review, but good work! And a chapter containing character files would be useful...
11/5/2014 c2 6TheChefSHIPWRECK-5897
I really enjoy this. The characters are interesting even though I'm not the biggest fan of OC's
9/7/2014 c8 5Dr.Schadenfreude055
Nice work! Although there were a few points that could use some proofreading, but those were fairly minor. And are you shipping Riley and Cobalt? Well worry not, for I approve! ;)
7/29/2014 c7 Dr.Schadenfreude055
Very nice work so far. I'm still liking the character's interactions with each other quite a bit. And you have a very clever idea for the origins of the Faunus. But there's one tiny little gripe I have with this: "Oh my dust". In episode we clearly hear Yang say to Ruby: "Oh my god, you really exploded." Dust is energy used in everyday situations in this universe so saying "oh my dust" is a lot like saying "oh my electricity/fire/water". It just sounds weird and it just plain irritates me. That's just a little nitpick on my part though, you did a very good job either way. Keep it up!
5/5/2014 c6 Dr.Schadenfreude055
Very nice work so far; I like the different approach you are taking with the main characters' personalities, they're actually pretty believable. By the way I have an OC for you to use if you want to. PM me if you're interested, here's the link: ( document/d/10mm6zVfYM1n0907Uzs4272xmt9nVrhtg1GK36bqeTxA/edit ) let me know what you think! Anyway, keep it up!
3/8/2014 c1 11The Engulfing Silence
Alright, so from the very get go, I've noticed several areas that your story could do with some improvement in.

To start, you have an issue with your tense. You'll randomly switch from past to present, and you can tell it's not done purposely because you'll do it within the same paragraph; using words like "was" "did" and "grew" (past), and "is" "does" and "grows" (present). This is something you should be very conscious of when editing your work. Mistakes like these are very off putting.

In the beginning of this story you also had some seriously large paragraphs. Now, I've done some of these myself, so believe me when I say you should avoid these as much as possible. Large blocks of text are notoriously difficult to read. I actually skipped a good deal of those paragraphs simply because it was difficult on my eyes, as in, it literally, physically hurt them to read. My suggestion here would be to find a way to separate and space these large blocks into smaller, more manageable parts.

Next up are all the standard English and grammar mistakes. You have a number of them, mostly problems with punctuation. You tend to use comma's incorrectly, putting them where they don't belong, leaving them out where they do belong.

You sometimes add extra words as well. A good example of this is right here: "she just watched as Ruby she" where you added an extra "she". This tends to throw people off. Be careful of doing this.

Finally, your syntax could use some work. Syntax is the way you structure your sentences. The words you use and the way they are arranged to form a sentence. Yours tend to be a little skewed, when I read them out loud they sound off.

All in all, the best suggestion I can make is finding a beta reader, someone who not only understands the subtle nuances of the English language but is also willing to work closely with you. Have them help you by betaing your story and look at the corrections they make alongside your original work to see what you're doing wrong and what you're doing right.

Thankfully, the story itself seems fine. This might be due to my lack of knowledge about RWBY, but I can't see anything wrong with the story itself, plot or otherwise.
2/2/2014 c4 2Cat-Soup64
This story is amazing, and it saddens me it doesn't have as many followers and favorites it deserves. The humor is some of the best I've read, and the conversations actually feel like conversations, not some one sided thing. I could say more, but I'd simply be ranting by then, so I'm just going to finish off by saying this story is exquisite.
1/7/2014 c1 2IamgRiefeR7
This is really good! I hope you continue this fanfic.
12/26/2013 c1 kurosagi-sama

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