You are reading this Movie Trailer in the voice of the late great Don La Fontaine.
Kaijuu killed his family. Burned his house. Kicked his dog.
As the narrator droned on, Dogulu forged an RPG-7 round in a cave from a box of scraps.
It was a shaggy dog, too. A Šarplaninac. A fluffy dog with a fluffy tail. Come on. Touch fluffy tail. You know you want to.
A red bandanna went around his head. Black camouflage paint went on his face. His shirt came off. His muscles were so sharply defined that he could cut someone up by hugging that person to his manly chest and grinding his victim upon his man-boobs.
Huddling behind a steel oil drum, Dogulu dug up an RPG-7 round that he had previously stashed beneath his current cover. He plugged it into the launcher and took careful aim at the head of the approaching Kaijuu.
IBRAHIM DOGULU is SIRDAR in…
The RPG-7 was designed to kill the main battle tanks of the Sixties. The Kaijuu's head was many times bigger and more heavily armored than the biggest tank ever built.
It still exploded, probably from testosterone poisoning.
"Raaampaaage!" went Dogulu in his hammiest, narmiest voice.
~The Turkish Rambo~
"It's over, First Lieutenant Dogulu," Yui urged. "It's over!"
"Nothing is over!" roared Dogulu while brandishing a loaded RPG-7 launcher.
KORKUSUZ II: First Sequel
Gretel Jeckeln's eyebrows and trigger finger twitched. "I hate capitalism," she muttered. "Always with their milk cow franchises…"
[This is the BETA Superior. Before the movie begins, please turn off your cell phone and recording devices.]
[Recording this movie is illegal. Violators will be fed the 00 Unit's Drill Milky Punch. Survivors will be thrown to the Mad Dog.]
[Thank you for your patronage. Please enjoy the movie.]
"Wakey wakey, Yui…" Beneath the blanket they shared, Yuuya Takamura ran his fingertips across the gentle curves of his human body pillow. "Kaiju alert…"
Yui weakly swatted at the hands exploring her ticklish body. "I can't believe my big brother is so energetic in the morning," she muttered.
"And who kept me up all night long?" her half-brother replied while flashing an unrepentantly handsome smile.
She flicked his nose. "Pervert." But Yui returned the smile before smooching Yuuya on the lips. "I love you."
'Some things you can't fight,' Yui mentally mused. 'Acts of Kami-sama. You see a typhoon coming, you have to get out of the way.'
She and Yuuya stomped the two thousand tons of awesome that was the Mark III Jaeger, Shiranui 1C, through the stormy Sea of Japan, not stopping or slowing down for wind or wave.
'But when you're in a Jaeger, suddenly, you can fight the typhoon. You can win.'
"Kuso," Yuuya protested as the not-quite-dead Knifehead tore him out of Shiranui 1C's head. "I guess I wasn't YAMATO DAMASHII enough for this fic…"
"Yuuya!" Yui screamed. "YUUYAAA!"
Three years passed. Still in mourning for her brother, the mopey Yui received an unexpected guest.
"I cannot have anyone else in my head again," she explained. "I'm finished. I was still connected to my brother when he died. I can't go through that again, I'm sorry.
Yui started to walk off, only to stop when her former CO called out to her.
"Haven't you heard, Miss Takamura? The world is coming to an end. So where would you rather die? Here?"
Marshal Ibrahim Dogulu gestured dismissively at the incomplete and useless Sapporo Life Wall that Yui had been helping to build.
"Or in a Jaeger?"
Upon arrival at the secret location of the last Jaeger Shatterdome a.k.a. Hong Kong, Yui and Dogulu were met by a princess-haired girl who was of the same age as Yui.
"Miss Takamura, this is Kazusa Yamashiro," Dogulu said. "She's one of my brightest."
"Marshal." The princess-haired girl saluted Dogulu before eyeing Yui, who returned her stare. "Takamura-san," she finally said.
"Miss Yamashiro helped rebuild your Jaeger," Dogulu explained. "She will be your copilot."
Yui looked unimpressed by her new partner. "I don't need a copilot," the veteran grumbled. "I can pilot Shiranui by myself."
"Just because you're one of two pilots in the world who finished a sortie solo doesn't mean you'll do it all the time," Dogulu warned.
Judging by the way Kazusa glared at her, Yui just knew this was going to be a long intro.
Cue title drop.
Pacific Rim: Alternative ~Total Eclipse~
I don't own Pacific Rim or Muv-Luv: Alternative ~Total Eclipse~.
Believing that peace could be conceived after war, Dogulu reluctantly allowed Yui and Kazusa to work out their issues by way of a sparring match. This proved to be a mistake whose magnitude rivaled that of Alternative V in an alternate universe.
"You heard me right! You're the apotheosis of tsundere! The tsundere on top of all tsundere! The Top Tsun!"
"Why, you teacher's pet!"
Shinai went forgotten as Yui and Kazusa furiously engaged each other in the time-honored feminine martial arts of the catfight.
Nearly every man present for the grudge match promptly brought out popcorn and soda. The sole exception was Dogulu, who palmed his face at the blatant interplay of sex and violence.
"This is way above my pay grade," the big Turk muttered over the squeals of the 'combatants' and the cheers of the audience.
Jerzy Sandek glared at the Fourth Dimensional Wall. "Why am I one of the pilots of the Crimson Dynamo?" he grunted.
Why? Mr. Sandek, cackled the Author, I expect you to DIE.
Sandek refused to be cowed. He decided to get this unpleasant task over with. "So who is my copilot?" he asked.
Fikatsia Latrova gave him an armor-piercing look of utter derision that did Real Soviet Damage to his chances of survival.
"A couple heading for divorce," Natasha Ivanova observed.
Aside, Cryska and Inia were trying very hard not to sulk.
"Sheo's sidelining us," the younger Esper whined. "And he killed off Yuuya, too… I thought he liked us…"
"Maybe if we appeal to him by making out," her senior wondered, "He'll expand our roles and bring Yuuya back…"
"Cryska, you're a genius!"
"Let's do it, Inia!"
It's a bonus feature on the Blu-Ray release. Wait for it warmly.
"Hey, Vincent!" Tarisa called out as she approached the mechanic. "Can you do something about Venus D's-" She hesitated. "Main battery?"
"Sure thing," Vincent agreed. "What needs doing?"
I feel inadequate enough around other women, Tarisa was tempted to admit. I don't want to envy my Jaeger as well…
"I think storing missiles in the bre-the torso," she corrected herself, "Is dangerous. They take up so much space. What if an attack penetrates the armor and cooks it off?"
Vincent thought about it. "Yeah, the front glacis plate could use some additional armor…"
The thought of further expanding that part of Venus D brought a wince to Tarisa's face. "Just put something less… dangerous," she finally said.
"You sure you want smaller guns?"
"Yes," Tarisa insisted while trying and failing to fight down a flinch. "I want some extra armor in case the enemy manages to close in on us…"
"Okay," Vincent replied. "Give me a day to work on it."
When Tarisa dropped by the hangar later on, she found the frontal projections of the renamed Venus C diminished. They were still arresting (in more ways than one; we're looking at you, Ryusei Date. Stop ogling Valsione and Angelg. They filed a TRO against you, remember?) to the eye, but less of an eyesore for the petite Gurkha.
"So what did you replace the missiles with?" Tarisa asked.
And still later:
"BREAST FIRE!" Stella yelled while thrusting forth her bust to trigger Venus D's newly-installed dual flamethrowers.
"I hate you, Vincent," Tarisa muttered as she was forced to mimic the gyrations of her far more generously talented copilot.
"Don't chase the RABIT," Yui warned Kazusa during their first Drift together.
"I can't help it! He's so annoying!"
"Eeeehhh," went the virtual anthropomorphized hare as it loudly munched on a carrot, "What's up, Doc?"
Yui twitched. "On second thought," she told the frustrated Kazusa, "I'll help you kill it."
"Booting up systems," Leon Kuze announced.
"Initiate start-up sequence," Sharon Heim confirmed.
"(VOICE MODULE ONLINE... AUDIO FUNCTIONALITY TEST... INITIALIZED. DESIGNATION: LIBERTY PRIME. MISSION: THE LIBERATION OF ANCHORAGE, ALASKA. PRIMARY TARGETS: ANY AND ALL RED CHINESE INVADERS. EMERGENCY COMMUNIST ACQUISITION DIRECTIVE: IMMEDIATE SELF-DESTRUCT. BETTER DEAD THAN RED!)"
"You despise nobles like me," Yui related to Kazusa as they soaked their aching bodies in the steaming waters of the hot spring. "Nobles looked down on your family because you were lower class samurai. They disregarded your accomplishments."
"You keep everyone at arm's length is because you don't want to lose them like you lost your brother Yuuya," Kazusa cited. "You were still connected to him when he died. You felt everything he felt. And then he was gone. And you don't want that to happen to anyone else."
"Dogulu-san saved your life when you were a child," Yui responded. "He finished the fight solo to protect you. He adopted you and brought you up as his own daughter. He was not just your teacher. He was family. When I treated him coldly, you considered me an enemy."
"Your father died fighting the Kaijuu," Kazusa continued. "So did your uncle. Your mother died during a Kaijuu attack. All you had left was Yuuya. He wasn't just your lover. He was a father and a brother to you, too. He meant the world to you."
The two girls locked gazes, blue against purple. But this time they were sympathetic and even appreciative to each other.
"Daddy's girl," Yui chuckled.
"Brocon," Kazusa giggled.
"Thundercloud Formation!" Cui Yifei and Lingyin 'Rin' Huang called out together.
Dai Miku proceeded to rip apart Leatherback using the blades hidden in the detachable armor sleeves of its arms and the charged razor wire that comprised the twin ponytails jutting from either side of its head.
"Don't cheat on me, Yuuya!" Chinese Miku yelled.
"Die, Ichika!" Ling yelled.
Their love interests shuddered. Yes, Yuuya shuddered even though he's dead. That is foreshadowing, by the way.
And then the communications channel exclusive to Jaeger pilots abruptly began roaring.
"America! [REDACTED] yeah! Comin' again to save the mother[REDACTED] day, yeah!"
"(COMMUNISM DETECTED! COMBAT SYSTEMS, ENGAGED!)"
Liberty Prime eye-beamed Dai Miku in the back.
"What the heck?" Cui and Ling exclaimed. "Friendly fire?"
"(ENGAGING RED CHINESE AGGRESSORS,)" Liberty Prime boomed before continuing its attack on its erstwhile ally.
"We've lost control of Liberty Prime!" Leon warned.
"Bad Big Guy!" Sharon scolded. "Sit! Stay!"
"(DEMOCRACY IS NON-NEGOTIABLE.)" And to the tune of I Am A Real American, Liberty Prime put Dai Miku in a headlock and unleashed the dreaded Noogie Strike on the latter's teal blue top. "(EMBRACE DEMOCRACY OR YOU WILL BE ERADICATED.)"
"I'm from Taiwan!" Cui yelped. "We're democratic!"
"Why is everyone getting between me and Ichika?" Ling raged.
As the American Jaeger delivered a bully beat down to the Chinese one, Otachi shot Leatherback a confused look and a question over their hive mind. Is that why they call it 'democrazy'?
Medic, the latter mentally groaned as it bled Gatorade Blue Bolt. Corpskaiju…
Hearing the blaring bullhorn and rocking riffs of the crowning music of awesome in the background, Otachi looked up from the public shelter it was digging out of the concrete. Its bulbous eyes nearly popped out of its sockets.
Walking tall and proud towards the Kaijuu was the rebuilt Shiranui Second, dragging an oil tanker along for the ride as if it was the biggest two-by-four plank in the world.
Nice boat, gurgled the Kaiju upon belatedly realizing it had come to the wrong neighborhood, a neighborhood protected by the mecha equivalent of Mr. Rogers.
Inside the revitalized Jaeger's cockpit, fire-forged friends grinned in synch.
"Boatmurdered!" Yui crowed as she brained Otachi with the oil tanker.
"Baseball Boat!" Kazusa called out as she followed up with a home run hit to the stunned Kaiju's skull.
To its credit, Otachi managed to prolong the beat down into a proper battle until it could grab Shiranui Second, spread its bat-like wings, and take to the stratosphere fifty thousand feet up.
"Deploy Type-74 PB Blade!" Kazusa ordered.
Shiranui Second drew the massive Melee Halberd from its back.
"YAMATO DAMASHII!" Yui swore before cleaving Otachi in half.
A three-point landing later, Shiranui Second posed with its big freaking sword.
"We are the sword that cleaves evil!" declared the girls. "There is nothing we cannot cut!"
"Today," Dogulu recited to his avid audience. "Today... At the edge of our hope, at the end of our time, we have chosen not only to believe in ourselves, but in each other. Today there is not a man or woman in here that shall stand alone. Not today.
"Today we face the monsters that are at our door and bring the fight to them. Today, we are cancelling the apocalypse!"
"(Category Five!)" a bridge bunny cried out over the comm.
Shiranui Second braked at the lip of the chasm hosting the otherworldly portal. Out came a Kaijuu that dwarfed all previous Kaijuu, a superior existence that dwarfed the humans who opposed it, a tyrant king of all monsters, the 2014 incarnation making an early cameo appearance.
Gojira (none of that Godzilla crap; YAMATO DAMASHII!) roared.
"How is he doing that underwater without choking?" Kazusa wondered.
"He's got gills," Yui pointed out.
They braced themselves for the fight of their lives. Then a ghostly voice made itself heard throughout the cockpit.
"Yuuya?" she gasped. "Is that you?"
Her brother appeared before them, all faint and aglow with eldritch light and wearing only his birthday suit.
"Why is he naked?" squeaked the red-faced Kazusa, who was rapidly discovering the wonders of bisexuality.
I'm too sexy for my clothes, Yuuya responded, too sexy for my clothes…
"So sexy, oh, yeah," Yui sighed breathily.
Use the Force, Yui.
"The what?" his sister repeated.
Kazusa startled. "Of course! The Final Omni Reconfiguration Combined Engager! F.O.R.C.E. for short! But how did he know about it?" she wondered.
I'm a ghost. I know these things. Also, Yuuya added, Sheo Darren showed me the script. And here comes the cavalry.
At that exact moment, Crimson Dynamo, Venus C, Liberty Prime, and Dai Miku performed dynamic entries that knocked Gojira away from Shiranui Second, buying them time and space to combine their machines.
"How did you get Liberty Prime to lay off Dai Miku?" Yui asked Leon and Sharon.
VWORP VWORP VWORP
A helicopter flew Ibrahim to the preoccupied Liberty Prime. The Marshal had shaved his head and donned a spiffy black suit. He cleared his throat. "Awww, hell naw," he quoted.
"(VISUAL PROFILE RECOGNIZED,)" Liberty Prime boomed. "(MATCH CONFIRMED: PRESIDENT WILL SMITH.)"
The American Jaeger released Dai Miku, stood at attention, and saluted.
"(THIS UNIT IS HONORED TO SERVE, MR. PRESIDENT. WHAT ARE THIS UNIT'S ORDERS?)"
"Let's get jiggy with it," Dogul said as lightly as he could manage.
VWORP VWORP VWORP
Yui and Kazusa kicked off the F.O.R.C.E. transformation sequence with a combined cry of "Let's volt in!"
"Form feet!" Latrova and Natasha reported.
"And legs!" Leon and Sharon continued.
"Form arms!" Cui and Ling contributed.
"And body!" Stella was extremely pleased when she said this. In contrast, Tarisa was very disgruntled.
"And we'll form-" Yui began as the hitherto headless Super Jaeger F.O.R.C.E. took hold of Shiranui Second, the latter having reconfigured itself into a giant samurai head a la Giga Fortress.
"The head," finished Kazusa.
[PILDER ON,] GLADOS flashed.
"With our powers combined," all pilots recited, "We are DAIRUGGER XV!"
"Die who?" went Leon and Sharon right after.
That's the YAMATO DAMASHII name of Vehicle Voltron, Yuuya explained, the one made up of fifteen vehicles launching from the Explorer, which in the original YAMATO DAMASHII was called Rugger Guard.
"Yuuya's a ghost?" Sharon wondered.
"Why are you naked?" Leon shrieked.
"So that's why they call him Top Gun," Stella realized.
"I'm necrophiliac?" Tarisa worried.
"Come to Mama Russia," Latrova purred.
"I want to be the borscht to his potato," Natasha moaned.
"Oh, wow," Cui gulped.
Ling looked unimpressed. "Ichika has better goods," she asserted.
"You take that back!" snapped her copilot.
Leon continued to claw at his eyes. "You will no longer see all those atrocious things I suffered," he promised the organs he savaged in the manner of King Oedipus during the climax of the eponymous tragedy, "The dreadful things I did! No. You have seen those you never should have looked upon, and those I wished to know you did not see. So now and for all future time be dark!"
"You know, Leon," Sharon reminded him once the phantom pain had gone away, "We're still linked through the Drift. You can see through my eyes." She licked her lips. "And I like what I see."
"DAMN YOU AND YOUR NEW PENCHANT FOR YAOI PRANKS, SHEO DARREN!"
It's during times like this, the befuddled Gojira thought, that I'm glad I'm asexual…
You fool, groaned its alien controller, you just compared yourself to that tuna-eating lizard from the horrible 1998 movie!
And then Gojira was killed by a wasabi-chomping Jean Reno. Anti-climactic, much?
"Ivanova-san?" Yui asked as they headed back to base. "I'm not complaining or anything, but why are you Latrova-san's copilot for the final battle and not Lieutenant Sandek?"
"Comrade Sandek was… indisposed," Natasha revealed.
VWORP VWORP VWORP
About to execute Operation: Total Eclipse, Sandek was stopped by a battle rifle caliber Origin Bullet to the belly that left no visible injury while also leaving him crippled for life.
Kiritsugu Emiya blew out the smoke issuing from the muzzle of his Thompson Contender. "I'm taking back my family, Kayneth Archibald," he growled.
"Daddy!" Inia –full name Iniasviel von Einzbern- glomped the Mage Killer. "You're my Hero!"
Cryska –full name Cryskasviel von Einzbern and actually Inia's absurdly youthful mother- draped herself upon Kiritsugu. "Oh, Kiritsugu," she huskily uttered, "You're so YAMATO DAMASHII…"
"I hate you, Sheo Darren," Sandek wheezed.
Vincent shrugged at the retcon. "At least I got more screen time than V.G.," he considered.
Curled up into a fetal ball in a cobwebbed corner of the Shatterdome, an unloved Macaroni cried himself to sleep.
And just to poke fun at Charlie Hunnam (who is a swell guy, really) for failing to achieve a kiss with Rinko Kikuchi during the course of two-plus hours:
Now that, Yuuya approved, is YAMATO DAMASHII.
Directed by: BETA Superior
Ultra Directed by: Haruhi Suzumiya
Written by: Sheo Darren
Produced by: Meiya and Yuuhi Mitsurugi
All Menial Stuff by: Kyon and Sumika Kagami
Special thanks to: Sky Zephyrus and Lone Wolf NEO
No stinger, guys. This isn't a Marvel Movie Universe production. I only write Omake.
Pacific Rim Alternative: Total Eclipse: Fate/Zero a.k.a. That Is One Helluva Long Title For A Bonus Segment, so call it "You Suck, Sandek/Kayneth"
Jerzy Sandek glared at the Author. "Why am I one of the pilots of the Volumen Hydragyrum?" he grumbled.
Why? Mr. Sandek, I expect you to DIE.
"Why don't you let Lancer and I pilot the Volumen Hydragyrum, Archibald?" eagerly asked Sola-Ui Nuada-Re Sophia-Ri. "Your Servant and I are Drift-compatible."
Sandek stared at the redhead. "Who in the name of Stalin are you?" he asked.
Diarmuid sighed. "This is going to suck for us all, my Lord," the Celtic Servant fatalistically muttered.
Shiranui Second whipped out the Peculiar Arms series Close Combat Dagger and CC Trident, a mecha-scale knife and fork.
"We will show you respect," Kazusa purred.
"-and present you with our human weaponry!" Yui mewled.
[PILE BUNKER,] helpfully announced GLADOS.
Despite the Fist of the North Star beating, Otachi didn't explode when it died. That would have been a waste of food. Right, Kyouko Sakura?
The face plate of Shiranui Second peeled open to reveal the leering jaws and razor sharp teeth of an apex predator freed from the constraints of humanity, The Beast.
"Itadakimasu," growled its hungry pilots.
OM NOM NOM MOGU MOGU
"Why, Sheo?" wailed Marimo Jinguuji. "Why do you keep tormenting me?"
"I thought we were friends, Sheo?" cried Mami Tomoe. "I thought you liked us?"
Gretel refused to pry her face from her palm, which obscured the visually appealing sight of the traumatized Marimo and Mami hugging each other. She was heterosexual like any good communist, damn it!
"Comrade Author," sighed the glasses girl, who did possess standards despite being a political officer from an alternate history Cold War era East Germany of an even more crapsack world, "Surely there are better ways to enact Operation: Symmetrical Docking…"
LEWDS FOR THE LEWDS GOD! YURI FOR THE YURI THRONE!
Kyouko glared Black Keys at Sheo. "Your sin is beyond the grace of God," she hissed while taking up a spear in defense of her tearful senpai.
GOD? I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM!
The resulting collision was too powerful to be called an explosion.
"And that was how the world of Needless came to be," the former Eve Neuschwanstein told little Lilith Blade. "Now, as to how I met your father…"
Adam Blade rolled his eyes. "I would never have married her if she didn't have a loli mode," he grumbled in a tsun-tsun manner.