My dears Et and Hyl,
Ah, just look around, you two worthless morons, look around. The Enemy has just created a disgustingly beautiful world and now we're going to ruin it. I have no doubt about our eventual success because I'm just too awesome to fail. Of course, I'm really counting on you two goons to be at the forefront of my plans—do you know why that is? It's because the Enemy has seen fit to make your patients the King and Queen of this world.
Now, to be sure, my mouth just dropped open and I wanted to scream when He selected your patients the first rulers of the awful place. After all, I know how stupid and worthless both of you are. But, have good news for you worthless goons. I really care about you both, so I'm perfectly willing to offer you all the help that you need in order to successfully bring your patients' souls down to me forever. Of course, you'd also do well to remember that I don't tolerate failure, so you'd better not mess up.
Do you know what infuriates me? The Enemy let your patients become His first King and Queen when He could have chosen that old geezer that was here until the Enemy sent him home. That just really ticks me off, you know. Of course, He would do something like that to mess up my plans, would He? Of course, He would. I mean really, that old Male was absolutely perfect for my purposes and now he's gone back to the world that he came from. It's enough to make my head explode-and you know how I am when I get like that. Of course, I'm relieved that the Enemy sent those two little brats back, but really, did He have to send that old clown back too?
Now, to be sure, it might have been an interesting study to find out more about those two young brats and see if we could possibly bring them over to my side, but all in all, little ones are often difficult to tear away from the Enemy. They just aren't as willing to see my point of view after they've met Him. I wonder if we have counterparts in their world who are dealing with those two little punks right now? If there is, I'll bet they're having a devil of a time, what with their patients having met the Enemy and all. I wonder what their supervisor is doing to punish them? I wonder if they're just as stupid as you two imbeciles are?
Isn't it just like the Enemy to do something like this to foil my plans? I mean really, His bringing in vermin from another world is one of the things my side will probably be dealing with throughout all the ages in this new world. You two goons, and all my employees that follow you, will have to learn to anticipate His interference, especially when you're close to bringing your patients down to me-after all, the Enemy has never been known to let me have an easy meal.
Now, I just brought up an interesting point. From what I've heard, your patients already belong to the Enemy-after all, didn't the Male say that he knows Him? Well, guess what that means? You two worthless idiots have already failed.
And don't you dare say that this world was just created and it wasn't your fault that your patients already belonged to the Enemy, because you know very well that I don't tolerate any excuses.
But I digress. I think that this lesson about anticipating the Enemy's next move is the hardest thing for you worthless tempters to understand. You just don't have the imagination to conjure up what the Enemy is planning. I really hope that this shortfall can be corrected in the ages to come, but with you two morons as the sterling examples of your graduating class, I really doubt that it will happen.
Now, of course, it's not that I don't understand your dilemma and care about your problems. After all, there is the old saying about no eye has seen and no ear has heard and no mind has conceived what the Enemy has in store for those who are in His camp, but you can bet that my Research Department is hard at work trying to figure Him out. After all, I have a whole world that needs my influence and I intend to make it so.
It just blows my mind that I have to figure Him out before I can come up with an effective attack. After all, figuring Him out is really quite impossible for my side—we look at things from a completely opposite point of view. I mean really, how could we have imagined this word love that He's infecting this world with? Of course, you can be assured that my Research Department is working hard to get on top of that problem, but as of now, they has absolutely no information on that word. The best thing that you two idiots can hope for is to counter Him by infecting your patients with the types of things that we like.
Interestingly enough, the Witch-as the Enemy calls her—who ran away from Him seems like someone who could help my side. I just knew that she was on my side when she tried to kill Him with that iron bar. Unfortunately, it seems as though the Enemy has banished her. That's too bad because that bar that she threw has grown up into something that the two little brats called a lamppost and now it will stand there for all time as a reminder of the Enemy's first victory over someone who is obviously thinks like I do-with pure unadulterated hatred for the Enemy.
Of course, I'm sure that her leaving is just more proof that you're both inept. I have no doubt that I could have stopped her from leaving.
But, again, I've digressed—where was I? You two morons need help to bring your patients down to me. Well, didn't you hear Him tell your patients not to treat His Talking Beasts in the same manner that they treated the beasts in the world that He called them out of? Didn't you hear Him that? Well, there you go, you worthless fools; that's how you tempt them. I mean really, are you so stupid that you didn't see that for yourselves? I should take away your Temptation University diplomas, you worthless idiots. How can I possible destroy the Enemy's despicably grand creation if I have to work with morons like you? Answer me that, will you?
Let me spell it out to you plainly—so even you two goons have a shot at getting it into your little pea brains. I'll do my best explain it in a way that both of you slobs will understand and therefore, perhaps, avoid my ceaseless and terrible wrath. Of course, I'm sure that you'll mess up anyway, because you're just that stupid, but I really care about you, so I'm going to help anyway. Don't ever forget that I really care about both of you.
Now, I have to tell you, I got really excited when the Enemy told your patients not to do something that they used to be able to do—after all, old habits die hard, you know. You two idiots have such an easy job. I don't know how you could possibly mess it up. Of course, I'm sure that you will mess up, but hey, what do I care? I'll just eat you after you've completely failed.
But, regardless of that, don't forget that I care about you and want you to do your best work so that I'll have something to eat very soon.
Anyway, it's quite obvious that your patients have come from a very progressive and forward-thinking world—one where ropes and harnesses are used to enslave the beasts that He has made. That means that what the Enemy told your patients today will sound very old-fashioned and quite out-of-date in their ears-and I'll hold both of you accountable if that isn't the case.
Now, given what I've just said, being progressive is going to become our great joke because progress, in this sense, would be moving away from the Enemy's instructions. I will so enjoy it when all the vermin in this world begin to think that His instructions are old-fashioned and out-of-date, because, unfortunately, what the Enemy has told your patients is the truth, and will always be the truth, no matter how long this world last. What is the truth today will, unfortunately, be the truth two-thousand plus years from now.
Yes, that's right, you two stupid fools, the Enemy's instructions are the truth, and since the truth, by definition, is unchangeable, the Enemy's instructions are incapable of being changed. The varmints in this world must never add something to His instructions and they must never take anything away from His instructions—not even if they'd like too to suit their own purposes—because that would be changing His words, after all. This concept applies to the Enemy Himself too—He is Love and He will always be Love. What an aggravation that is for us.
Of course, getting the varmints of this world to think that the Enemy's instructions are old-fashioned and cumbersome to the lifestyles that they would prefer to lead is a great advantage for us. This is because we have no problem telling lies-in fact, that's all we're capable of. And of course, lies, by definition, must change with the times. A new lie for each new situation is what I like to say. To us, what was unacceptable in one age could very well be acceptable in the next age—now that's forward-thinking progress, isn't it? Of course it is.
Now, what does this have to do with your patients? Well, let me tell you. See, it looks as though your patients are Humans who other varmints would refer to as good Humans, but that shouldn't concern either of you because the Enemy has a very different idea about what is good than most of the vermin that He created, and obviously, it's His authority that threatens us.
But, anyway, reminding your patients that they're good-as far as varmints think of themselves-will enable you to suggest to them that they should be able to use the new Talking Beasts in the same way that they could use the other world's beasts. You must constantly suggest to them that their beasts in the old world were perfectly happy and that they took good care of them and what's so bad about doing the same thing now?
As a side note, I think that when you're making these suggestions, you should ask Aeth for assistance, since his patient is the obvious choice for your patients to desire to subjugate.
Now, let me guess, you two stupid morons are wondering what you should do if another varmint tries to correct your patients and steer them back to the Enemy's Way, am I right? Of course, I am. Well, let me tell you, you simply suggest to your patients that those other varmints are being prudish and old-fashioned—and, who wants to go around with that label hanging over their heads? Let's just say that it better not to your patients. Am I making myself clear?
Anyway, reminding your patients that they're decent Humans—as far as Humans think of themselves—will make your patients doubt the Enemy's instructions about not doing what He used to allow them to do. It will also give them a reason to doubt the Enemy's intentions in giving those instructions. There's no better way to bring the vermin down to me than by getting them to doubt the Enemy's intentions. If they doubt His intentions, then it's easier to make them forget that the Enemy is completely and unchangeable Love-whatever that is-and that His intentions are completely and unchangeable based on His love for all those varmints that He has created and will create. Isn't that sickening?
Now, I'll bet you're wondering how to seal the deal when it comes to getting your patients to doubt the Enemy's intentions, am I right? Of course, I am. Well, let me tell you, you morons. You simply suggest to them that the Enemy's instructions are there to hamper their lifestyles and make their lives difficult. It's great fun to make them think that because it couldn't be farther from the truth. The Enemy's instructions are and will always be for the good of those who vermin in His camp. If you can get them to think that the Enemy is only trying to get in the way of how they want to live, then it's possibly foster a sense of disappointment and anger toward Him in them.
Oh, by the way, have you ever heard of the something called the Divine Right of Kings? I'm sure your professors taught about it at Temptation University, but I know that you two are so stupid that you probably didn't understand. Well, luckily for you two, I really care about you both, so I'll remind you. The Divine Right of Kings a philosophy that says a King or Queen who is divinely appointed by the Enemy can do whatever they want-well hey, the Enemy Himself appoint your patients to their royal position, so all you two stupid morons need to do is make sure that your patients desire the things that I like.
Now, before I sign off, let me reiterate why you're both so important for my master plan. Your patients are this world's first King and Queen, so of course, they'll have the responsibility of giving birth to and raising lots and lots, if not all, of the Kings and Queens to come after them. Now, if this first generation is listening to my side then great and productive things are bound to happen. I'm sure that even both of you worthless fools are capable of seeing how I could infect future events if I can have this first generation on my dinner platter. Tell me that you can at least understand that? All I'm hearing is silence...
Well, I bet I know why you're silent. You two morons are as excited as I am to ruin the Enemy's master plan—whatever it is. I'll let you go now so that you can get into your patients' heads. Remember, don't hesitate to contact me if you need any more of my awesome advice-and you'd better not forget all that's at stake here.
The Great, Terrible, Irresistible, Horrible Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author's Notes: First off, I'd like to thank Rose and Psyche and Quills and Inkwells for their help in picking out demon names. Without them, I'd still be languishing with an incomplete list.
Et and Hyl come from Ethyl Alcohol (or Ethanol). It's a member of a class of organic compounds that are referred to as Alcohols. It's the intoxicating ingredient found in many alcoholic beverages-let's call them, collectively, drinking alcohol. It's also used as an industrial chemical, a solvent, a synthesis for other organic chemicals, and an additive to automotive gasoline.
Now, as gross as those combinations all sound, I want to concentrate on the drinking alcohol part. Alcoholic drinks are commonly abused, but of course, for those of us who are of age, alcohol is not illegal. I chose these demon names because Frank and Helen could be tempted to abuse their royal privileges and do something illegal—I'm thinking that enslaving a Talking Beasts could be seen as similar to committing an illegal act while in a drunken stupor. Frank and Helen have royal privileges (similar to being of age), but they're not above the Aslan's instructions (even if you're of age, you must still obey the law when you drink).
Also, I was thinking that sometimes people who are in power and get caught doing something bad will turn around and say that their bad habit or obsession is their personal business and won't affect their ability to be a leader. But this is like a drunk insisting that his drinking habit won't affect his ability to drive home. It's also like Frank and Helen enslaving a Talking Beast and then turning around and saying that this one little thing won't affect their ability to rule Narnia justly.
In addition, I chose Et and Hyl because alcohol is not illegal and that sort of parallels the fact that we Humans do a good many things that are quite legal, but that God doesn't like.
Another thing I want to point out is that even though this letter was written at the very beginning of the Narnian world, and talks about establishing the leadership and customs of the new world, it can still be applied to us because we're all responsible for bringing up the next generation and the things that we teach or pass along will have an impact on someone or someones long after we're gone. We might not be rulers in the sense of being Kings and Queens, but we're all role models (good or bad).
Aeth is Fledge's demon. He'll be getting the next letter Tash writes, so you can learn more about him then.
You can read about Digory and Polly's temptations in Screwtape on the Other Four. They're mentioned again in Screwtape on the Pevensies and indirectly in Screwtape After the Train Wreck.
Bible verses: Gen. 1:26; 1 Cor. 10:23; John 14:6: Matt. 18: 2-4; 1 Cor. 2:9; Rom. 8:28; 1 Sam. 16:7.