Chapter 5: If you're Wondering How He Eats and Breathes,

Mike awoke for the fifth time today, this time on a bed, like in his apartment. But this room was not his apartment. The walls were made of hexagon/pentagon shaped panels. You could barely see the panels, as they were covered in photos of cute little robots, strange doors, that sleepy-eyed man in the red jumpsuit. Wait a minute; this is the Satellite of Love. Mike got up and saw the four robots from earlier, staring at him. They all stood there in awkward silence until Mike decided to break it.

"Um, hi?" He waved weakly. His head still hurt from the four hits to the head.

"Hi," was all Gypsy could say.

"Uh, sorry about the crowbar; I'm not used to that, huge face of yours. Why'd you have it on?" Crow inquired.

He leaned to the right, a trick that always got an answer out of Joel. Tom and Crow theorized that the human's Achilles' heel, was they'd do anything for anything that looked cute.

"Well, I was born with it," Mike answered.

"Why don't you replace it?" Crow asked, again implementing the leaning.

"I can't replace it. Humans don't work like that," Mike explained. This is how Eddie must've felt when I was a kid, Mike thought.

"So, welcome Ambassador from Earth," Tom announced, trying to sound professional. He didn't.

"Welcome, to the Satellite of Love!" Servo said, managing to raise his arms in the air.

"Okay, so who're you guys?" Mike asked. The four bots looked at each other.

"Gypsy, get the Robot Roll Call!" Crow ordered.

Gypsy coughed a clipboard out of her mouth. Mike was a bit uncomfortable taking something deposited from someone else's mouth, but after seeing it was dry he lifted up it up and read the names on the paper.


"Show yourself!"

"I'm right here," Mike said, thinking Cambot was serious. The camera robot nodded.


"I'm not ready!"

"Sorry, I'll wait 'till you are," Mike wasn't getting the sarcasm. He would eventually.

"Tom Servo?"

"H'llo there!" Mike just stared.


"That's one 'o'!"

"Sorry, there was four 'o's on the paper," Mike explained.

"Yeah, that's how Joel wrote it," Crow informed him.

"JOEL!" Tom cried out.

"Servo, we already panicked!" Crow reminded him.

"Oh yeah, I'm good," Tom said, chuckling.

"So, I'm really up here. In space?" Mike asked, despite knowing it was probably a dumb question.

"Yeah, see for yourself!" Crow answered, pointing towards the window behind him.

Mike turned around to see it. The endless void. The final frontier. The inky blackness with a bunch of bright dots. And beyond it, who knows. He looked down to see an insignificant little blue planet. His home. Earth. His family, friends, girlfriend. All so far away. Mike wiped away a tear. The Bots watched him curiously. They had seen this sort of behavior from Joel before, but it was rare. He loved being on the Satellite. But Mike, he would need time to get used to it. He'd need some friends who would be understanding of his situation, and forgive his unfamiliarity to the weekly routines of the S.O.L. Tom and Crow do not fit this description. After a few more minutes of silence, Tom spoke up.

"Well, I guess we should show around the ship…"

"Mike. Mike Nelson."

"Well Mitch, let's go!" Servo hovered out of the room.

Crow groaned and followed, tailed by Cambot and Gypsy. Mike stared at the door for a minute then hesitantly followed them. The five went through several hallways, corridors, stairs, ladders and elevators until finally they made it to the bridge.

"This is the bridge! That big screen there is where we talk to the Mads."

"Who?" Mike asked. Servo sighed.

"Those two guys who launched you here!" Crow explained irritably.

"Oh, right." Mike replied sheepishly.

"That other big screen is where we talk to other people, like Winky, Gamera, Mothra, John Banner, that Russian guy," Servo listed some of their various visitors; confusing the hell out of Mike.

All Cambot could think was how much all the people Tom listed looked and sounded like Mike. Cambot shaked it off as Servo explained the buttons to Mike.

"When the red one blinks, which means the Mads are calling. You have to press it and call them a funny nickname, like the elusive uberlords,"

"Or the Glimmer Twins," Crow added.

"Or Crate and Barrel," Gypsy continued.

"Bidi-bidi-bidi!" "Huh?" Mike blurted out; still incapable of comprehending Cambot's unique mode of communication.

"He said: Or big cheaters" Crow translated. Cambot thanked him with a nod and beep.

"Okay then, I'll come up with some nicknames." Mike finished, utterly flabbergasted by all of this.

"Now that we have that settled, when the yellow one blinks, that means it's commercial sign," Tom continued with his flamboyant explanations. "Commercial sign?" Mike inquired.

"Yeah, when we cut to commercials. Dum-dum," Tom groaned.

"No, I mean how do we get commercials?!" Mike threw his arms out, hoping for a semi-logical explanation.

"Well, the Mads film us each week and air it on some cable channel." Crow explained.

"…And no one has bothered to come get you guys out of the clutches of two maniacs?"

"Well, everyone thinks this is all fake. They think the ships a cheap TV studio garnished in random junk, that us Bots are puppets, that Joel, Governor and J.J, and all the alien visitors are just actors! The letters we get are nice, though," Crow explained.


"The evil hell spawn thought it'd be a good idea to make us give out a fake address that fans could send letters to, then the Mads fax them up here and we read some of them." Gypsy answered.

"…How does a fax machine work in outer space?" is all Mike could say.

"Just repeat to yourself, it's just a show, I should really just relax." Cambot said in perfect English.

"…What?!" was Mike's response.

"Anyway, press the button and Cambot's video feed will cut to commercials," Tom instructed, pretending nothing weird just happened.

"…Okay then," Mike replied, realizing it might be better just not to question the insanity.

"Good, now, when all the lights start flashing and the siren goes off, that's Movie Sign," Tom continued.

"What's Movie Sign?"

"Well, that's when we have to run into the Mystery Science Theater and watch the movie," Crow explained.

"Why?" Mike asked bluntly.

"Cause if we don't, Quisp and Quake will switch off the oxygen or electrocute us or something," Crow interpreted.

"Okay, but why do the, er, evil overlords," Cambot nodded approvingly at Mike's nickname choice.

"Want us to watch movies?" Mike finsihed.

"So they can find one that drives us loopy," Gypsy told.

"Loopy?" Mike interrogated.

"Insane, crazy, nutty, kooky, bonkers, cuckoo, ludicrous," Servo rattled off the synonyms.

"They want to find the worst movie ever made; a film so vile, so horrid, so ghastly, that it will drive a man to the very edge, destroying his will power and crushing his soul. Then the evil nincompoops will show this accursed piece of motion picture to everyone on Earth, making mankind helpless to stop them taking over," Cambot clarified.

Too bad Mike didn't catch a word of it, and Crow had to translate.

"So, that's their plan? Make us watch crappy-"

"Poopy," Crow interrupted.

"...Make us watch poopy movies until we go insane and then take over the world?!"

"Affirmative," Gypsy confirmed.

"Their plan is incredibly flawed," Mike understated.

"Well, DUH!" Crow retorted.

"Yeah, those two morons couldn't take over a coffee shop, let alone the world!" Servo commented.

"So, why do we bother watching the movies?! Why don't we just escape?!" Mike inquired, his mind boggled with the Bots timidity over the whole situation.

"…WHY DIDN'T WE THINK OF THAT?!" Crow roared.

"WE'RE SO STUPID!" Tom bellowed.

"Well, you are," Crow snickered as Tom slapped him.

"HEY!" Crow yelled as pushed Tom over the desk; the two started fighting.

"Do they always do that?" Gypsy and Cambot nod.

"Ah. So, what do we do?" Mike asked.

"Separate them," Gypsy answered. Mike looked at the two brawling robots.

He grabbed Crow by his basket, and Tom by one of his arms; as soon as he lifted them up, the fight seemed to drain out of them, and they stopped reaching for each other and just huffed and puffed.

"No more fighting, okay?" Mike told them.

"You're not my real father!" Crow hollered.

Mike was set back at this. That other guy, Joel. He must have built them. He was their creator, their father. And now he's gone. But what is Mike? Uncle? Big brother? College dorm roommate? Or just some doofus they were stuck with? Probably the second or third one.

"I may not be, but, no more fighting!" Mike retorted.

"Fine!" Both robots shouted.

Mike put them down.

Tom hovered to Crow's eye level and they glared at each other before Gypsy said: "Maybe we should show Mike a Movie Sign?" Gypsy said to break the mood.

"Great idea!" Tom proclaimed.

He went up to Mike then said: Now, Cambot's gonna start up the Movie Sign. You have to yell: "WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!" then hit the red button. No the blue one, not the yellow, the red one. Next, run over to one of those hallways."

·Crow and Gypsy gestured to the corridors to the left and right of the bridge.

"They both will lead to a door labeled: "Move Door." You go through that door, go down the hallway, and eventually you'll find me and Crow. There, you have to pick me up and carry me into the theater."

"Why do you have to be carried?" Mike inquired; trying to get all of this memorized, which was hard since Servo talked so fast.

"Because there's an air grate right in front of my seat that my hover skirt can't fly over!" Tom declared annoyed by the constant questions.

"Wait, what about Gypsy?" Mike asked.

Tom growled.

"I don't watch the movies; I have to run all the higher functions on the ship." Gypsy explained.

"And she just can't handle them." Crow snickered until Gypsy whacked him with one of her coils.

"Anyway, when you get into the theater, you sit down next to Crow, and you put me on the seat next to you." Tom continued his earlier instructions.

"Where does Cambot sit?" Mike asked.

He couldn't help but smirk a bit as Tom screamed in frustration and started banging his head on the wall.

"He sits next to the projector so he can film us watching it and riffing the moive," Crow explained for Servo.

"What's riffing?" Mike asked.

"WHAT'S RIFFING?!" Crow, Tom (who stopped banging his head at the sound of this), and Cambot (although Mike couldn't understand him) all cried out in awe.

"This is gonna be a long night," Mike sighed.