A Regular Day at TR's Pad
By Nichole (Neko-chan) Johnson
Written: September 18, 1999
Categories: Mark this on your "Weird S***-o'-Meter"
Spoiler: Reference to James *gasp* entering the bathroom while Jesse's in the shower! The horror! (Oh, and a brief cameo by those brats.)
Disclaimer: I refuse to write this!
Summary: A day at Team Rocket's cabin which everyone but the narrator finds normal.
Author's Note: Where did I get this idea? I don't know. I can't even seem to recall where I left my brain this morning.
Narrator: It was a regular morning at the Team Rocket hideout. Our three…er…heroes had divided the newspaper into their respective sections and were busy eating their breakfasts. Meowth had the business section and was scowling darkly down at the tiny print as he sipped away at his black coffee. Jesse had the entertainment section and was intently perusing the cinema lists for the most local showing of The Sixth Sense and munching a raison bagel. And last but not least, James had the comic section, which he was busily reading while humming to the tune of "If I were a Rich Man" as he wolfed down his donuts and Lucky Charms®.
Meowth: Son-of-a-Beedrill! If Silph stocks keep fallin' like dis, the Boss ain't gonna' be happy!
Jesse: And you're worried because? When is the Boss ever happy with us?!
Meowth: Hmm, good point.
James: Jesse, you have to hear this one! Okay, so these three guys are sitting on a park bench and the one guy turns to the one on his right and says, "Ernie stopped to think once and forgot to start again"! *starts laughing hysterically*
Meowth: *riffling through the newspapers covering the table* Where's my pen? I'm gonna' change dat guy's name to James.
James: Hey! That's not funny!
Jesse: Can we just once have breakfast without you two fighting? *rolls her eyes at her two partners who are busy wrestling over the discovered pen*
Narrator: Yep, a regular morning. But not all was well and normal.
James: *pausing* It wasn't?
Narrator: That's what I said.
James: Oh. *falls over from his frozen position, trapping Meowth under him in the process*
Narrator: As I was saying, all was not well and normal, for a wild gang of—*pauses to take a message* Er, scratch that last part. For a *reads message* dark, horrible menace was lurking nearby, ready to *reads message* severely hurt our poor heroes! *scowls* That is the sappiest, most pathetic thing I ever—
James: WE'RE GOING TO DIE!
Jesse: *smacking James* James, we are not going to die! He said we're going to be severely hurt.
Meowth: *sarcastically* Oh, what a relief! I was worried for a second dere dat something bad might happen to us!
James: Sorry, Jesse. I stand corrected. *latching onto her arm in terror* WE'RE GOING TO BE SEVERELY HURT!
Jesse: *eye roll* Somebody tell that "dark menace" to hurry it up.
Narrator: *curtly* They are otherwise occupied at the moment. *exits and scene changes to a deep forest* Not far from the cabin of the three imbeciles, three friends were frantically trying to escape our "dark menace".
Misty: *panting and running* Just going to capture it in my Pokéball, you said! It's harmless, you said! YOU CALL THIS HARMLESS?!
Ash: How was I supposed to know it had armed back up?!
Brock: Shut up, you two! Maybe if we're real quiet they won't hear us and we'll lose them!
Pikachu: PI-KA! ( #*&!)
Narrator: As you can see, the dark menace was very…horrible.
Misty: THAT'S AN UNDERSTATEMENT!
Narrator: Miss, I think you may be too close to the situation to make that insinuation. *clears throat* Anyway, pretty soon the extremely exhausted friends arrive in the clearing containing Team Rocket's Hideout. *to self* This should be good…
Brock: Look, a cabin! Maybe someone there can help us!
Ash: I sure hope so! I don't think I can run any longer!
Misty: *dryly* That's nice because then you won't run into the door.
Ash: WAAAGH! *stops short of doing so*
Brock: You had to warn him.
Pikachu: *banging on the door with both fists* PI! Pi-ka— (OPEN THIS DOOR, DAMNIT! We're being attacked by—)
Narrator: *hastily covering Pikachu's mouth* Anyway, the three friends (yes, and Pikachu) pound insanely at the cabin door, as it appears that no one is home.
Ash: I don't think anyone's home.
Narrator: Yes, Ash, we've established that already. *exits and scene changes to the cabin living room* But our heroes are home. Why have they not answered the door? *no answer* Ahem, I said why has no one answered the door?!
Meowth: *has been dancing to headphones in the corner; looks up* What? Did someone say somethin'?
Narrator: I guess that answers my question. *an angry scream and a squeal are heard* Still a regular day at Team Rocket Headquarters.
James: *running down the stairs in panic* Maybe that wasn't such a good idea…! *Jesse comes storming after him dressed in her bathrobe, hair soaking wet* EEEEEEEEE!
Jesse: JAAAAAA-MES! GET BACK HERE AND GET WHAT'S COMING TO YOU!
James: *hiding behind the narrator* That's okay, I don't want it!
Jesse: *chasing him around the room* OH NO YOU DON'T, MR. SMARTY-PANTS! THAT'S THE LAST TIME YOU POUR A BUCKET OF ICE WATER ON ME WHILE I'M IN THE SHOWER!
James: *whining* It was a joke! I'll never do it again! Just don't huuuuurt meeeee! Eeeeee-ahoo!
Narrator: Yes, now we know why the door was not answered. *remembers Ash-tachi momentarily* Oh dear, the door has not been answered. *pause* Should I tell them?
Jesse: RUNNING ONLY MAKES IT WORSE, JAMES!
Narrator: Nah. It is said never to interrupt a domestic disagreement. *exits and scene changes to the front porch* Oh…dear…I'm beginning to regret coming out here. This is a most…disturbingly graphic massacre. *the sound of screaming and gleeful war cries fills the air, along with the ominous buzz of many chainsaws* Dum-dee-dum, I'll just be going now…*returns to the living room where Jesse has pinned James to the floor with a coffee table*
James: UNCLE, UNCLE!
Narrator: Are you three aware of the event currently taking place on your porch?
Meowth: What, da parade's early?!
Narrator: Close, but…no.
Meowth: Damn! *turns back to his crossword puzzle*
Jesse: *sitting on top of the coffee table* I'm not letting you go until I'm positive you are in a sufficient amount of pain!
James: I THINK SOME OF MY RIBS ARE BROKEN!
Jesse: *sighs* Okay, good enough. *let's James go*
Narrator: *waving a hand in front of James' face* How many fingers am I holding up?
James: *squinting* Nine…?
Narrator: *counts fingers* Eh, good enough.
Jesse: So what is on the porch?
Narrator: Oh, nothing. Nothing you'd be interested in…
Jesse: Try me. *opens the door*
Narrator: I can't look. *hides eyes*
Jesse: *blinks* Chanseys?
Narrator: *peeking out through his fingers* Yes, people. The dark, horrible menace was none other than a gang of wild Chanseys.
Chansey Leader: Chaaaan-SEY! *revs her chainsaw*
Narrator: Chanseys…with chainsaws! *dramatic sound effect music* Oh, the horror! The horror of it all! What will happen to our poor, helpless heroes?!
Jesse: Um…want some…tea?
Chanseys: *clapping their hands happily* Chansey, chansey! (Why thank you, pretty lady!)
Narrator: WHAAAAA….?! *face faults*
Meowth: *happily* I just love Chanseys! They're so friendly!
James: *clutching his ribs painfully* Yeah. I've never heard of a Chansey attacking anyone.
Narrator: *shocked* But, but, but, but, but…!
Jesse: Don't you know it is impolite to leave your mouth hanging open?
Narrator: *gloomily* And so our three heroes had a lovely tea party with the "horrible, dark menace". And everyone was happy. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
James: *wrapped in body bandages* Meowth, can you tilt me a little that way so I can reach my cup?
Jesse: I think I may have gotten a little carried away…
Narrator: Hey, wait a second! I thought Team Rocket was supposed to get severely hurt?! The only one who got hurt in this thing was James!
Narrator: This is an outrage! I have never seen such a blatant display of false advertisement! I mean, who writes this stuff anyway?! *pair of 200 lb. anvils fall from nowhere onto Jesse and Meowth* Er…I stand corrected…!
James: Even I found that harsh.