By Nichole (Neko-chan) Johnson
Written: June 21, 2000
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Duh.
Rating: PG due to language
Category: Humor; a hint of JJRN
Summary: If Pokémon characters were really actors, (yes children, Ash is not a real person) what would the actors be like, and how would they differ from the characters they play?
Author's Note: Don't take any of this seriously. I didn't make their realities and personalities really realistically because I was forming them the way I would like them to be, mostly. Just enjoy the idea.
Author's Note II: I kept everyone's names to avoid confusion. Plus, *sniff* I could never give Jesse and James different names—it'd be like a crime!
(Scene: A well-lit warehouse, located behind a Breeding Center. A large, cage-like crate slides through a hole in a nearby wall along a conveyor belt…)
Butch: The next Pokémon's a Sandshrew.
Cassidy: Hmm! (leans down to peer in the crate) Look's like this one is in pretty good shape. It could be very useful—as long as we can teach it to use Fury Swipes.
Butch: (turning to look at a large stack of crates) We've got an awful lot of Pokémon piled up in this dump.
Cassidy: Yeah! Just goes to prove that a lot of Pokémon trainers are suckers! (chuckles) Now all we have to do is pick out the choice Pokémon and ship them out to the Boss!
Butch: (grin) We'll be his absolute favorites!
Cassidy: (excited) And we'll be in for a big bonus!
Butch: (equally excited) This Breeding Center was a great idea!
Both: (joining arms) We believe in love power! (covertly) That's because we love power…! (Both burst into evil laughter)
(Both break into coughing fits.)
Cassidy: (cough) Have you got it this time? All this 'evil laughter' is killing my throat!
Butch: (wheeze) Tell me about it! (pours a handful of lozenges down his throat; starts choking on the lozenges)
Cassidy: Hey, buddy, take it easy! (whacks him on the back a few times)
Director: Yeah, I think we've got that scene. You two go take a break. (angry) Butch, I told you to stop taking those damned lozenges!
Butch: But sir, I—
Director: No buts! We still haven't finished this episode—I don't want your voice changing on me now!
Butch: (downcast) Yes, sir…
(Butch and Cassidy exit the stage for their dressing rooms)
Cassidy: I told you to hide those things, Butch.
Butch: I know, I know! But my throat's killing me! (droops) Awe, damn, why is it I only get casting jobs when I've got laryngitis?!
Director: (using a megaphone) Okay! Reset the "back-room" stage and let's get Ash, Misty, Brock and Todd out here! And I want Team Rocket off stage—they're scene's up next! Pronto people—I want to continue filming in five!
Assistant Director: Mike, do you want to continue with Butch and Cassidy's scenes after we've finished the scenes in the back?
Director: Yeah, we'll let them recover their voices a bit and then we'll finish filming. (angry) Except for Butch! Damnit, I just remembered! Lucy, get someone in the guys' dressing room to confiscate all lozenges, cough drops and cold medicines—PRONTO!
Lucy: Yes, sir. Do you what me to have James frisked again?
Director: No, no, nothing that drastic. Just a thorough search of all personal belongings. Make sure they're rude and make a nice mess.
Lucy: Sure thing, sir.
(In the guys' dressing room…)
James: (struggling to pull his pants on) Damn…these…stupid tight…pants! AAAARRGGHH!
Brock: (studying himself in the mirror vainly) They made them tight on purpose, you know. So they can take gratuitous shots of your ass without being inappropriate.
Ash: (practicing his cap spin) Because he's the show's bishonen, right?
Snap: (spinning his prop camera on it's strap in boredom) Yeah.
James: (pissed) I don't give a damn if they take 'gratuitous shots of my ass', I just wish they'd made these pants looser! (hopping on one foot) Damnit, why did I sign that stupid contract?! WHOA! (falls over and gets tangled in his pants)
Brock: (pouting) At least they take gratuitous shots of your ass!
Ash: Oh brother…
Brock: (crying) What, is my ass not good enough for them?! (pounding his head on the mirror) WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO PLEASE YOU PEOPLE?!
James: (sweat drop) Are we going to have to call one of those shrink guys in again?
Snap: God, I hope not.
(Butch rushes into the room and slams the door behind him hastily)
Butch: Agh, you guys their after me! Hide my lozenges!
James: Nu-uh! I ain't smuggling those things again! Gratuitous ass shots are fine 'n dandy but when they start strip searching, that's where I cross the line!
Ash: Hey, don't look at me!
Snap: Put 'em in a Ziploc and swallow them. That's how they smuggle drugs onto airplanes.
Butch: Hey, good idea! (runs into the bathroom to look for a baggy)
Brock: (still beating himself up) I WANT AN ASS SHOT, I WANT AN ASS SHOT!
James: Hey, you can have mine!
(Suddenly, two burly guards burst into the dressing room)
Guard 1: Alright, boys, hand over the lozenges!
Guard 2: Cough 'em up—we know they're in here!
James: AGH, YOU'RE NOT GETTING ME ALIVE! (runs out of the dressing room, his pants still around his ankles)
Guard 1: Jeez, I wasn't even gonna' strip search him this time…
(Down the hall in the girls' dressing room…)
Misty: So she said, "As if!" and I was like, "Totally for sure!"
Jesse: (to Cassidy) Are you listening to her?
Cassidy: I don't think she's even speaking English. (or 'Japanese' for those of you 'politically correct' buffs) So, Jess, you wanna' join me for coffee when we're through shooting today?
Jesse: (applying her lipstick) Oh, sorry, I'd love to, but James and I were going to catch a movie. You could join us if you want.
Cassidy: That's fine, I'll pass. We've been so busy with filming lately, I'm sure you two hardly get any time alone. I wouldn't want to intrude.
Jesse: (sigh) Ain't that the truth. But hey, that's showbiz.
Cassidy: (chuckle) You sound like a freakin' black and white movie.
Jesse: (grin) Want me to break into song and dance?
Misty: …but he was just like, totally freaking out, you know? So I was like, "Take a chill pill, dude!" I totally thought he was going to have a coronary!
Jesse: I think I actually understood some of that.
Cassidy: Misty, like totally take a chill pill! Cut the teen lingo, girl!
Misty: Huh? (goes back to brushing her hair and chattering to herself in the mirror)
Cassidy: We really need to get her an invisible friend to talk to or something.
Jesse: Or maybe a nice gilded mirror.
James: (pounding on the door) JESS, JESS, LET ME IN!
Cassidy: Ooh, someone sounds desperate.
Jesse: (laugh) Oh, shut up! (let's James in)
Cassidy: Jeez, he's already got his pants down and everything!
Jesse: (blush) James, put your pants on damnit!
James: (blush) Whoops! (finally manages to pull his pants on) Forgot they weren't quite on!
Cassidy: (smirk) Sure you did…
Jesse: James, what's so urgent that you had to rush in here anyway? You know you're not allowed in here!
James: (acting smooth) I just wanted to see you of course! (wraps his arms around her)
Jesse: (flattered; blushes prettily) Really?
James: No, not really. I was just running from the guys who were going to strip search me.
Jesse: (groan) You are hopeless!
James: (hastily) Hey, hey, but I still wanted to see you! (sighs and kisses her forehead) I hardly get to see you anymore.
Jesse: (smirk) Except on the set everyday.
James: Aw, but that's different. We're working then.
Jesse: And I'm mostly abusing you in some way.
James: Yeah, that too.
Jesse: (kisses him long and passionately) Let's just say that's for when the prop mallet ended up being a real mallet.
James: Hey, the bruise is almost gone!
(They start to make-out some more while Cassidy pretends to read a fashion magazine)
Cassidy: (sarcastic) Oh look! Pastels are in again!
Misty: (still talking to herself) …if he didn't hurt himself so much! I swear, that guy totally needs major mental health! He is like, so totally whack!
James: (pulling away from Jesse) Does she do that all the time?
Cassidy: No, sometimes she talks to the coat rack.
(Back out on the set…)
Director: WHERE ARE MY ACTORS?! WE START SHOOTING IN A MINUTE!
Ash: We're here, Mr. Haigney! *
Brock: (sniff) Can we add an ass shot to this scene? Please please please?!
Director: No, we can not add an ass shot to this scene, Brock! So QUIT ASKING ME! Now, where the hell is Misty?!
Snap: I think she's still in her dressing room.
Ash: (under his breath) Probably talking to herself in the mirror again…
Snap: (imitating Misty) Like, totally for sure, Ash!
Both: Tee hee hee!
Director: Quit your gossiping, you two! We start shooting in 30 seconds! WHERE IN GOD'S NAME IS MISTY?!
(Jesse walks in, smoothing her skirt. She is followed by James who has a scowling Misty over his shoulder)
James: Right here, Mikey.
Director: Oh, brother! Could somebody get this girl her medication?!
Lucy: Sure thing, sir. (injects Misty with a gigantic needle)
New Camera-hand: What the hell's wrong with her?
Cameraman: (shaking his head sadly) She went crazy after that freak accident we had during the filming of "The March of the Exeggutor Squad".
Camera-hand: Freak accident?
Cameraman: Yeah. Tragic really. The entire herd of trained Exeggutors accidentally became confused, instead of just pretending to be. Trampled her a few times and knocked her into several walls.
Camera-hand: (cringing) Dear God!
Director: OKAY PEOPLE! TO YOUR PLACES—WE'RE BEHIND ON SCHEDULE SO THIS BETTER NOT TAKE TOO MANY TAKES! Ash, Misty, Brock, Todd: we need you around the conveyor belt!
Snap: (sigh) Sir, for the last time, my name is Snap.
Director: Todd, you can talk to me later in your 'gangster' lingo! I need you on the set now!
Snap: (under his breath) Stupid Nintendo writers and their stupid indecisive name changes…**
Director: PLACES PEOPLE!
Brock: (pouting) Well, here we go. With no ass shots for me.
Ash: Wait! We're forgetting Pikachu and Togepi!
Director: Damnit! Where are my animal trainers?! Lucy, get the Pokémon on set!
Lucy: Right, sir.
(Motions to a pair of guards who pull a pair of small, cramped cages off-set)
Lucy: Release 'em, boys.
(Guards timidly open the cages then pull back)
Pikachu: Chu! (rushes onto the set and makes as if to attack Ash)
Ash: (covering his face with his arms) Agh, Mr. Haigney, he's doing it again!
Animal Trainer: Killer! Sit now!
Pikachu: (sits) Pi!
Director: (rubs his temples) Thank you, Mr. Crueltopets. Okay, people. Please, can we get on with this now?
Misty: (nervously picking up Togepi) Yeah, we're ready sir…(shiver)
Director: Okay! In 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,
Ash: So, it's all a big fake…
Misty: We've got to do something to stop them!
Brock: We can't let them treat Pokémon like this!
(Of this season, that is…)
*Michael Haigney is the actual director of Pokémon. I read it on the back of one of my Pokémon videos. I only used his name, though, to be accurate. I have no way of knowing if he is actually like the director in this story. Please, Mr. Haigney, I meant no offense by the portrayal of your character.
**We all know that Todd's actual name is Snap. In the original episodes, in Pokémon Snap, and in the video containing the episodes he appears in (Pokémon: Picture Perfect) his name appears as Snap. (For those of you who didn't know this, whoa you're really out of it! J/k) In actuality, the only time his name ever appeared as 'Todd' was in the episodes that aired on Kid's WB. In the episodes "Pokémon Paparazzi", "The Ultimate Test", and "The Breeding Center Secret" on the video from Pioneer, he introduces himself as 'Snap' and all of the characters refer to him as 'Snap'. Weird, huh? I wonder how they dubbed it in so well…