By Nichole (Neko-chan) Johnson
Written: June 17, 2000
Disclaimer: You don't care. I don't care. So we won't bother.
Rating: PG…13—not quite
Category: Humor (whatever floats your boat) Some slight, Buffy the Vampire Slayer crossover going on
Summary: What happens when Jess, James and Meowth decide to narrate their own fanfic? You said it. Uh-oh…
Author's Note: Don't worry—I'm getting therapy.
Narrator: Let me relate to you a tale. A horrible tale. A tale of deceit, betrayal, and lost friendships. A tale so horrible, in it's rendering I may be forced to stop for the benefit of yours and my own sanity! A gruesome, gripping, terrifying—
Jesse: I think you're going just a little too far, Mr. Narrator.
Narrator: Too far?! Too far is exactly what happened to create such a retching horror story that I am forced to recreate!
James: He's very dramatic.
Narrator: Why thank you! It was my major!
Meowth: Maja' what? Pain in da—
Narrator: (sniff) Do not insult me with your petty wit, cat thing!
Jesse: He's a Meowth, Oh Intelligent One. Perhaps if you had read the story before hand…
James: Hmm, if he had he would have realized he was over-dramatizing the whole thing in the first place.
Meowth: Drama queen!
Narrator: I don't have to take this! You do not boss me around! I narrate this tale, you supporting cast filth so butt out and let me do my—
Jesse: Did he call us 'supporting cast filth'?!
Meowth: (growl) Sounded like it ta me!
James: The impudence!
(Sounds of a scuffle.)
Jesse: Ahem. Now, let's narrate this 'horrible tale' the way it was meant to be told!
James: (whisper) Jesse, you're in the way of the opening sequence!
Jesse: Uh, oops! ^_^;;
Narrator: It all began on a beautiful, sunny day. (I thought it was a cloudy day?) It was sunny! ((Wasn't it rainin'?)) Shut up! I remember it being sunny!
Ash: (confused) Uh, what's going on with the narrator?
Misty: It sounds like its got multiple personalities…
Narrator: Now look what you did! *smack* *smack* Now keep your big mouths shut until its your turns! Ah…ah ha ha…Now where was I?
Brock: (blush) Dur…something about a beautiful sunny day? Duh hu hu… The narrator's a girl! Du hu hu!
Narrator: Oh, yes! Note to self: Brock is scary It all started on a beautiful sunny day! Our three brats were...what! It says 'heroes' on this thing?! Who the hell writes this stuff?!
Ash: Um, Nintendo or something.
Narrator: Well it's a big load of bull! *scribble scribble* Ahem! Our three brats were walking along being their regular gay, goody-goody selves, causing the local wildlife to puke at random intervals broken by Ashy-boy's retarded laughter. Hmmm…pretty good. I should be a writer! (Cue retarded laughter!)
Ash: Ah ha ha ha ha hur hur!
Narrator: *evil laughter* Now, where was I? (We're forgetting something.) Hmm? And what is that?
Ash: (projectile crying) PIKACHU! WHERE ARE YOU?!
Misty: Togepi! Where's Togepi?!
Brock: (sob) MY GIRLFRIEND—SHE'S MISSING!
Narrator: *sheepish* Oh, right. How could I miss those? Pikachu appears next to Ash and Togepi appears in Misty's arms.
Pikachu: (definitely not Pikachu) Pika…chu?
Ash: AGH! What is this thing?!
Misty: Since when does Togepi have fangs?
Togepi: Hissss! (dives at Misty)
Narrator: Oh right, like I was going to give you your real Pokémon! I finally managed to capture Pikachu, I mean, uh, er…get…rid…of Pikachu—I'm not giving it back! (We did? I don't see it anywhere.)
Ash: No fair! Give me back my Pikachu!
Misty: AGH, IT'S SUCKING MY BLOOD!
Brock: Hey, where's my girlfriend? I never got her back!
Narrator: Nice try, Brock.
Ash: Oh my gosh, he said potty-mouth!
Narrator: Shut up, Brat. I need to get on with this story.
Misty: …so…faint…everything going…black…ugh…
Narrator: Okay. So our three brats were walking along on this sunny day, with their respectable Pokémon—
Ash: This isn't Pikachu!
Narrator: …in tow, again lost without a trace. When suddenly, who should appear, but the devastatingly good looking, intelligent, brilliant Team Rocket! ((Da true heroes of da show!)) (You've got that right!)
Team Rocket: YA-TADDA-TA!
Narrator: Ooh, look! We're here, but we're also there! (Man, I look good!)
James: I have a feeling I look really good right now.
Narrator: Right, so anyway, the beautiful goddess Jesse says:
Jesse: Prepare for trouble!
Narrator: …and everyone cringes in terror…but not after taking a moment to gaze at her perfection of loveliness.
Ash: I'm not doing that!
Brock: Whatever you say, Miss Narrator! Duh hu hu…
Narrator: And then James says—(Wait! And then the handsome, dashing James says:
James: And make it double!
Narrator: …and all the women within hearing range swoon because he's so fine)
Jesse: (swoon) Oh! James is so fine!
Misty: (still unconscious) James…really fine…huh huh…
Narrator: WHAT?! It did not happen that way! (Hey, you got to doll up your scene, so I got to doll up mine.) ((An' now it's my turn ta doll dis whole ting up! And den the super intelligent and adorable cat Pokémon, Meowth pushed fast forward and we all skipped da motto. … Except for Meowth's part.))
Meowth: Meowth, dat's right!
Ash: There's an edit I agree with!
Brock: Can I still gaze at Jesse's perfection of loveliness?
Narrator: Um…a bit more.
Brock: Duh hu hu…
Narrator: (That's enough.) ((Stop makin' me wanna' puke!)) Men! *smack* Now stop interrupting! Where was I, damnit?!
Ash: (blanching) Bad word!
Narrator: (Oh I know! This was the part when w—I mean Team Rocket, tells the Brats of their brilliant plan to take over the world!) ((Oh, uh, yeah! Dat's where we was!)) *grumble* I don't remember that part…
James: We, Team Rocket, have a brilliant plan to take over the world!
Ash: Are you really lab mice posing as incompetent super-villains bent on stealing my Pikachu in an attempt to take over the world?
Jesse: Um, no. We're just incompetent super-villains bent on stealing your Pikachu in an attempt to take over the world. Minus the incompetent part.
Ash: Oh, my mistake.
Narrator: So just exactly what was Team Rocket's brilliant plan to take over the world?! (Uh, er…)
Jesse: What exactly is this brilliant plan, James?
James: Uh, er…
Meowth: We should 'ave come up with one before we came 'ere.
Misty: (coming back to life) Ugh…ooogghhh…I vant to suck your blood!
Narrator: Think of something quick! You got us into this, now think of something!
James: Um, well…we were going to build this giant…"laser"…and, um, turn everything in the world…into cute fuzzy things that no one can resist…but they'll really be evil and, um, kill everyone or…drive them insane with their cuteness…and then we'll conquer everyone while their either insane or, um, dead, and we'll use another laser to destroy the cute things…and then we'll rule the world…and be really happy…
Narrator: Oh, what a brilliant plan. NOOOOOTTTTT!
Ash: Your plan is stupid.
James: No it's not—you're stupid!
Brock: Misty, you look a little pale.
Narrator: Suddenly, the brilliant beautiful Jesse came up with a better plan.
Jesse: Why don't we just use the second laser, kill everyone, and live happily ever after?
James: That…would work.
Meowth: Okay, killer laser it is!
Narrator: *whisper* Okay, now this is just getting way out of control! I never thought trying to narrate your own story could be so hard! (We can't stop now!) ((Make a laser, damnit!))
Ash: Oh no, a killer laser!
Misty: Blood! (dives on Ash)
James: Okay. Going to kill everyone with laser now.
Meowth: La dee da. Killer laser.
Misty: More blood! (dives on Brock)
Brock: Misty, no! You're too young for me!
James: Oh, what's the point? They're killing each other anyway!
Jesse: What a waste of a perfectly good laser!
Misty: Need—more—blood! (dives at Team Rocket)
Narrator: Yipes! I don't think you can kill a vampire with a laser! ((WE'RE DEAD! AGHH!)) (I've got an idea!)
Jesse: Alright, you spawn of Satan! Come and get me! For I, the beautiful Jesse, am not only a member of Team Rocket, but also the beautiful and deadly Vampire Slayer, Velrose!
Narrator: Ooh, I like it.
James: Agh, save us Velrose!
Narrator: Jesse rips off her Team Rocket uniform—
James: SHE RIPPED OFF HER CLOTHES!
Narrator: No baka hentaii! She ripped off her uniform to reveal her Velrose costume: pink midriff tank under a black lace shirt and white cut-offs and running shoes.
James: Me like.
Jesse/Velrose: No baka hentaii! (kicks him in the behind)
Meowth: Just save us already, Jesse or Rose-whatsit or whatever your name is!
Narrator: ALRIGHT ALREADY! Velrose pulled out her trusty stake and mallet—
James: Did you say steak?
Narrator: A wooden steak, I mean stake, dimwit! (Aww…) Anyway, Velrose pulled out her trusty mallet and stake, and drove the stake into the demon's heart!
Jesse/Velrose: DIE, SPAWN OF DARKNESS!
Misty: (hiss) NOOOOO!
Narrator: And the horrible undead monster dies dramatically!
Misty: (dies dramatically)
James: Ooh, now there's something they need to invent rewinds for.
Meowth: DERE'S SO MUCH BLOOD!
Narrator: Right. Lot's of it.
James: I guess I'm starting to feel a little queasy…
Meowth: (pukes and blacks out)
Narrator: In fact, because she had been directly in front of the dying vampire, Velrose was now covered in blood!
Jesse/Velrose: My outfit! It's ruined!
James: (sob) Your outfit! It's ruined!
Narrator: So of course, there was only one thing to do…(Get Velrose out of those dreadful bloody clothes of course. ^_^)
James: J J J
(Need I say more?)
Nintendo writer: I don't remember writing this! Where the hell is my original script?!
Other Nintendo writer: You did have a little too much punch at the staff party the other night.
Nintendo writer: Damn those staff parties and there excessive amounts of punch and Smash Brothers! This is the third time this has happened in the last week! The producers aren't going to be happy…
Other Nintendo writer: The producers were at the staff party too.
Nintendo writer: Oh, in that case, have copies of this made and sent to them immediately.
Other Nintendo writer: Hey, I'm not your slave. Have your secretary do it.
Nintendo writer: Mr. Handerson, get your lazy butt over here right now!
Mr. Handerson: (definitely not Mr. Handerson) Pika?
Nintendo writer: What in God's—?! Where the hell is my secretary?!